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Description
Once upon a time there was a little duck called Ernie. Ernie was just like the other duckies: he had feathers, webbed feet and an affection for wholemeal bread, but one thing made him stand out from the rest: whenever he quacked, magical things happened.

Ernie was born on a farm, and when he went "QUACK" for the first time, he turned the farmer into a giraffe wearing a frilly pink tutu, who then started to do ballet. Then, he quacked again and turned the cows into corned beef sandwiches, the sheep into beatboxing gerbils and the pigs into really terrible Dustin Hoffman impersonators. It was all fun and games for Ernie until one of his quacks summoned up a steamroller which crushed Ernie's duck mummy to death until she looked like a bloody feathery pancake.

Poor Ernie was devastated, and was banished from the farm for creating such chaos and tragedy. After leaving the farm, Ernie walked for many miles in the pouring rain quacking very sadly to himself, until he came to the town of Gloucester, home of the famous tapdancing shrimp. There, he met a kipper salesman called Dr. Sweetcheeks. Ernie loved kippers, and Dr. Sweetcheeks loved having Ernie as a customer. The two became best buddies, and one day Dr. Sweetcheeks took Ernie into his home, where he told him that he also ran the local freak show, and that he wanted Ernie's quacking talents as the main attraction (replacing Moses Posies the Man with Eight Noses).

At first, Ernie was happy to oblige, and quickly made Sweetcheeks rich enough to move out of his cardboard box house and into a mansion made out of chewed up lolly sticks, but Sweetcheeks became drunk with power and refused to give Ernie a fair share of their earnings. One night, a bunch of vandals broke into Sweetcheeks' mansion and captured Ernie. They loaded him in the back of a van and they drove off into the night.

When Ernie woke up, he found out that his kidnappers (or should it be duck-nappers?) were a death metal band on the way to a gig, and that they have chosen him as their new singer. Early rehearsals went well, and Ernie learnt the songs very quickly, but when they performed to the crowd, Ernie got so excited that he quacked really loudly, creating a huge firey moshpit full of demons from the underworld, who went on the steal the other band members souls. 500 people were killed in the accident and about 200 others suffered from whiplash and dreaded nosebleeds.

By now Ernie got fed up of causing bad things to happen, and decided he needed to find his true calling in life. So he quacked up a rowing boat (cause his legs were too tired to swim) and set off on a long journey to uncharted territory. After many days, he came upon an island made entirely out of frozen lard. Ernie decided to check out the island and looked around until he bumped into a girly duck called Ernietta, who had beautiful golden feathers and wore a cowboy hat with a garden sprinkler on top.

It was love at first sight! Ernie and Ernietta made a little lovenest in the tallest tree on the island and together they had 3 little duckling babies who they named Skipper, Egg Mayonnaise and Gary Coleman Jr.. They ate kippers all day long and lived happily ever after until they all died from stomach ulcers six months later.

THE END

Description
Once upon a time there was a little duck called Ernie. Ernie was just like the other duckies: he had feathers, webbed feet and an affection for wholemeal bread, but one thing made him stand out from the rest: whenever he quacked, magical things happened.

Ernie was born on a farm, and when he went "QUACK" for the first time, he turned the farmer into a giraffe wearing a frilly pink tutu, who then started to do ballet. Then, he quacked again and turned the cows into corned beef sandwiches, the sheep into beatboxing gerbils and the pigs into really terrible Dustin Hoffman impersonators. It was all fun and games for Ernie until one of his quacks summoned up a steamroller which crushed Ernie's duck mummy to death until she looked like a bloody feathery pancake.

Poor Ernie was devastated, and was banished from the farm for creating such chaos and tragedy. After leaving the farm, Ernie walked for many miles in the pouring rain quacking very sadly to himself, until he came to the town of Gloucester, home of the famous tapdancing shrimp. There, he met a kipper salesman called Dr. Sweetcheeks. Ernie loved kippers, and Dr. Sweetcheeks loved having Ernie as a customer. The two became best buddies, and one day Dr. Sweetcheeks took Ernie into his home, where he told him that he also ran the local freak show, and that he wanted Ernie's quacking talents as the main attraction (replacing Moses Posies the Man with Eight Noses).

At first, Ernie was happy to oblige, and quickly made Sweetcheeks rich enough to move out of his cardboard box house and into a mansion made out of chewed up lolly sticks, but Sweetcheeks became drunk with power and refused to give Ernie a fair share of their earnings. One night, a bunch of vandals broke into Sweetcheeks' mansion and captured Ernie. They loaded him in the back of a van and they drove off into the night.

When Ernie woke up, he found out that his kidnappers (or should it be duck-nappers?) were a death metal band on the way to a gig, and that they have chosen him as their new singer. Early rehearsals went well, and Ernie learnt the songs very quickly, but when they performed to the crowd, Ernie got so excited that he quacked really loudly, creating a huge firey moshpit full of demons from the underworld, who went on the steal the other band members souls. 500 people were killed in the accident and about 200 others suffered from whiplash and dreaded nosebleeds.

By now Ernie got fed up of causing bad things to happen, and decided he needed to find his true calling in life. So he quacked up a rowing boat (cause his legs were too tired to swim) and set off on a long journey to uncharted territory. After many days, he came upon an island made entirely out of frozen lard. Ernie decided to check out the island and looked around until he bumped into a girly duck called Ernietta, who had beautiful golden feathers and wore a cowboy hat with a garden sprinkler on top.

It was love at first sight! Ernie and Ernietta made a little lovenest in the tallest tree on the island and together they had 3 little duckling babies who they named Skipper, Egg Mayonnaise and Gary Coleman Jr.. They ate kippers all day long and lived happily ever after until they all died from stomach ulcers six months later.

THE END