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Description

Part 1: www.deviantart.com/druidpeter/…

Part 2: www.deviantart.com/druidpeter/…

So... this is the 3rd and final part of a 3 part short image series that I wanted to do, whereby 3 of my Female OCs showcase their personalities in how they would respond to a trolling question. The trolling question IN QUESTION was from a twitch stream that I saw some time back where the e-girl was trolled with the trick question, "You're in a room with a thousand cocks. How many do you choke on?" When I first came across it, I thought that it was hilarious, and I decided to take part.

Of course, like and all sorts of shit got in the way, and so it took me forever to finish with this final part 3. I actually quite like this style of coloring, and I think that my artwork is going to increasingly move in this direction moving forward.

Now then, updates and stuff... hm. Well, my activity has dropped off over the last two weeks. The reason is simply that I hit a massive wall of depression and feeling overwhelmed, as well as some specific emotional trauma that triggered massive wall of depression and feeling overwhelmed. I'm not sure how I'm going to recover from this. I'm very hurt at the moment, and I'm still feeling the negative effects of what happened.

Having said that, I'll probably come back to posting semi regularly between 1-3 times a week as a best I can. I... probably won't be making as many comments or... well, I don't want to go too into the details, but one of the (admittedly vast quantity ) many anxieties and issues I have with social media is the idea that unless I give 250% and really ramp up extremely high quality comments, engagement, and end up being this sort of super cheerful cheerleader on the site...

well, it's the idea that if I'm not like, 100% invested in the success of others and I SHOW IT at 100%... well, then no one will ever care or become invested or consider anything I do to have any value to them. I don't want to stop supporting other artists and creatives. But if I don't get this sort of massive emotional trauma under control then every time I go 100% on supporting another artist, it's only going to increase my anxiety 10-fold, and I just can't keep operating with that sort of headspace.

So I need to decouple my art output from my engagement output. This is absolutely 1000% terrifying for me, but it's better than the alternative, which is living in a sort of state of constant fear, wondering if the only reason anyone gives any sort of shit about me is because of a certain level of engagement I gave them which... frankly is just unsustainable.

To give an example of how this was affecting my behavior before: I often would go on engagement blitzes before uploading any art, in which I would give the best comments I could, favourited as many artworks as I could, etc. I always tried to do it in a way that I wasn't being false and just shitting out comments, of course. But this led to me being almost paralyzed with uploading any artwork unless I did something like this. I HAD to do it, or else no one would ever care that I uploaded a piece of artwork. So I would berate myself because I couldn't meet some sort of imaginary *engagement* bar that had to be met before I could get my own small amount of dopamine hit...

What's worse is that even if I did get that engagement back... well, outside of a very select few of individuals, I ended up always wondering where the hell I stood with others on this site. Was I actually making a genuine connection? The level of text I output was way more than other people... surely the difference in the level of engagement that I gave on a per artwork/user basis versus others was coming across as anomalous. Were people simply thinking that I was coming off as too weird? That, because I was a weirdo, were they then disengaging from me except for responding to my usually very in-depth and over the top comments? Did I have to hide my own emotional issues behind being super cheerful and supportive?

I mean... it's easy, I find, to see something genuinely good and worth appreciating in just about everyone. (Well, outside of one very specific individual, but I'm not opening THAT CAN OF WORMS right now... ) But people these days are extremely cynical. Much of us, like myself, are dealing with serious emotional issues. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand that many might be apprehensive and distrustful of the... level of intensity with which I tried to engage with others on this site.

And it was a learning curve, as well.

So... I have all of that in my head. And then, something happened these past two weeks and hoo boy, my own emotional time bomb straight up exploded. Been dealing with an avalanche of shit lately. Fun fact, I actually lost my voice due to shouting, screaming, crying, etc haha. It's coming back, albeit slowly.

Well, the point is, I can't do anything to verify the status of my online relationship with anyone else. I know this. Getting of the super intense and super cheerful cheerleader treadmill in the long run is good for me. In the short term, however... well, if I drop the facade, then you guys are going to see a much more broken, damaged, hurt and sad individual.

You're also going to see an optimistic, excitable, enthusiastic, playful and mischevious one, as well.

I don't think I can hold back from being strange. Strange is something I'll always be. But if I'm going to be strange, then I might as well work to ensure that whatever strangeness I present to others is at least accurate to the strangeness that I feel I am myself. And if I can't manage something like that... well, fuck, then who the hell am I even living for?

Description

Part 1: www.deviantart.com/druidpeter/…

Part 2: www.deviantart.com/druidpeter/…

So... this is the 3rd and final part of a 3 part short image series that I wanted to do, whereby 3 of my Female OCs showcase their personalities in how they would respond to a trolling question. The trolling question IN QUESTION was from a twitch stream that I saw some time back where the e-girl was trolled with the trick question, "You're in a room with a thousand cocks. How many do you choke on?" When I first came across it, I thought that it was hilarious, and I decided to take part.

Of course, like and all sorts of shit got in the way, and so it took me forever to finish with this final part 3. I actually quite like this style of coloring, and I think that my artwork is going to increasingly move in this direction moving forward.

Now then, updates and stuff... hm. Well, my activity has dropped off over the last two weeks. The reason is simply that I hit a massive wall of depression and feeling overwhelmed, as well as some specific emotional trauma that triggered massive wall of depression and feeling overwhelmed. I'm not sure how I'm going to recover from this. I'm very hurt at the moment, and I'm still feeling the negative effects of what happened.

Having said that, I'll probably come back to posting semi regularly between 1-3 times a week as a best I can. I... probably won't be making as many comments or... well, I don't want to go too into the details, but one of the (admittedly vast quantity ) many anxieties and issues I have with social media is the idea that unless I give 250% and really ramp up extremely high quality comments, engagement, and end up being this sort of super cheerful cheerleader on the site...

well, it's the idea that if I'm not like, 100% invested in the success of others and I SHOW IT at 100%... well, then no one will ever care or become invested or consider anything I do to have any value to them. I don't want to stop supporting other artists and creatives. But if I don't get this sort of massive emotional trauma under control then every time I go 100% on supporting another artist, it's only going to increase my anxiety 10-fold, and I just can't keep operating with that sort of headspace.

So I need to decouple my art output from my engagement output. This is absolutely 1000% terrifying for me, but it's better than the alternative, which is living in a sort of state of constant fear, wondering if the only reason anyone gives any sort of shit about me is because of a certain level of engagement I gave them which... frankly is just unsustainable.

To give an example of how this was affecting my behavior before: I often would go on engagement blitzes before uploading any art, in which I would give the best comments I could, favourited as many artworks as I could, etc. I always tried to do it in a way that I wasn't being false and just shitting out comments, of course. But this led to me being almost paralyzed with uploading any artwork unless I did something like this. I HAD to do it, or else no one would ever care that I uploaded a piece of artwork. So I would berate myself because I couldn't meet some sort of imaginary *engagement* bar that had to be met before I could get my own small amount of dopamine hit...

What's worse is that even if I did get that engagement back... well, outside of a very select few of individuals, I ended up always wondering where the hell I stood with others on this site. Was I actually making a genuine connection? The level of text I output was way more than other people... surely the difference in the level of engagement that I gave on a per artwork/user basis versus others was coming across as anomalous. Were people simply thinking that I was coming off as too weird? That, because I was a weirdo, were they then disengaging from me except for responding to my usually very in-depth and over the top comments? Did I have to hide my own emotional issues behind being super cheerful and supportive?

I mean... it's easy, I find, to see something genuinely good and worth appreciating in just about everyone. (Well, outside of one very specific individual, but I'm not opening THAT CAN OF WORMS right now... ) But people these days are extremely cynical. Much of us, like myself, are dealing with serious emotional issues. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand that many might be apprehensive and distrustful of the... level of intensity with which I tried to engage with others on this site.

And it was a learning curve, as well.

So... I have all of that in my head. And then, something happened these past two weeks and hoo boy, my own emotional time bomb straight up exploded. Been dealing with an avalanche of shit lately. Fun fact, I actually lost my voice due to shouting, screaming, crying, etc haha. It's coming back, albeit slowly.

Well, the point is, I can't do anything to verify the status of my online relationship with anyone else. I know this. Getting of the super intense and super cheerful cheerleader treadmill in the long run is good for me. In the short term, however... well, if I drop the facade, then you guys are going to see a much more broken, damaged, hurt and sad individual.

You're also going to see an optimistic, excitable, enthusiastic, playful and mischevious one, as well.

I don't think I can hold back from being strange. Strange is something I'll always be. But if I'm going to be strange, then I might as well work to ensure that whatever strangeness I present to others is at least accurate to the strangeness that I feel I am myself. And if I can't manage something like that... well, fuck, then who the hell am I even living for?