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fabulouslyDashing — script for va
Published: 2013-01-07 18:41:14 +0000 UTC; Views: 737; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 2
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turntechGodhead [TG] joined chat.ectoBiologist [EB] joined chat.
EB: hey dave...
TG: sup
TG: what are you doing up so late
TG: doesnt your dad make you go to bed at 9 or something
EB: can't sleep.
EB: just...
TG: just what
EB: just i can't sleep, is all.
TG: thats cool neither can i
TG: we can be sleepless together
EB: well what's bugging yo-
TG: sleepless in seattle
TG: you can be my tom hanks
EB: oh my god dave but i'm 100% closer to seattle than you are.
EB: i could drive there, you'd need a plane.
TG: ive never seen that movie
TG: is tom hanks the one who lives in seattle
EB: i think they both live in seattle.
EB: it's been a while since i last saw it.
TG: i thought it was an internet relationship with like
TG: emails and shit
TG: and horrible 90s artifacts
EB: maybe i'm thinking about the wrong movie. i lose track, man.
TG: i feel you
TG: fuck ive been awake for too long
TG: im trying to write the words to this rap but its not working
EB: i coulda sworn the one i was thinking of had sandra bullock in it.
EB: i'm going to remember what movie that was if it kills me.
TG: its like trying to squeeze shit out when youre constipated
TG: and itd feel great but you just cant
TG: you could google it
TG: sandra bullock not taking a shit
EB: OH.
EB: it was called "while you were sleeping".
EB: see why i got them confused?
EB: sleep.
TG: no
EB: shut up.
EB: anyway.
EB: we got super off-topic.
TG: was there a topic
EB: yeah, something's gotta be bugging you.
TG: was there
EB: that was the topic.
EB: people don't just not sleep for no reason.
TG: yes something is bugging me
TG: its the fact that i cant sleep
TG: you apparently cant not sleep for no reason
TG: ill show you mine if you show me yours bud
EB: well i guess i'm sort of stressed about school and stuff.
TG: okay heres a big secret you cant tell anyone
TG: me too
TG: okay move along
EB: oh my god you're so stupid sometimes.
TG: wait why am i stupid
TG: john
EB: because you just have a stupid essence to your being.
TG: thanks im glad were friends
TG: yo im stressed because i apparently have to actually pass classes did you know that
TG: when did that become a thing
EB: that was always a thing dave.
EB: literally always.
TG: youre pretty dumb yourself
EB: and hey, at least i knew that you're supposed to pass classes!
TG: man no this is bullshit
TG: like okay im good at basically whats going on
TG: but i just cant be assed doing a lot of this shit you feel me
EB: no, dave.
EB: i honestly don't.
EB: just do it!
TG: theres so much to see in the world and yet they want us to cage ourselves inside and digest some shitty romance novel
TG: which is considered a classic because it was written in the 18th century or something
TG: how does that work
TG: should i put all my music in a time capsule and bury it until the year 2400
EB: i guess i sort of understand that part.
TG: no see i decided lifes about living basically
TG: and if that means i fail some test because i spent a day doing cooler shit
TG: thats just the way the cookie crumbles i guess
EB: please don't say it, please don't say what i think you're going to say.
TG: yeah maybe you should say it
TG: complete the cycle
EB: ...
EB: yolo
TG: what
TG: just how much of a douche do you think i am
EB: well you wear cheesy shades i bought you as a joke and act like you're so cool so i guess i have my reasons for thinking so.
TG: now that you mention that itd be kind of perfect right
TG: like this stupid meme from ages ago and i just start bringing it back
TG: make it popular again
TG: maybe change what yolo stands for though
TG: you only love oldies
EB: that makes you sound super hipster.
TG: that topic is actually being hotly debated on one of my many blogs right now
TG: theyre pretty inordinately interested in my life
TG: to the point where ive sort of stopped understanding why
TG: like yeah im awesome you know no doubt
TG: but sometimes man sometimes
TG: pretty fuckin stressful to sit with my back to an open window when im worried someones gonna take a flying leap at my dick
EB: speaking of those blogs, how do you even keep track?
TG: i got a content aggregator dude
TG: you really oughta have one its a lifesaver
EB: whatever. you know i don't run weird blogs like you do though.
EB: dave.
EB: has anyone ever told you you talk way too fucking much?
TG: im like a parrot on speed
TG: is what ive been told
TG: but no i think im more like river
TG: gotta keep on flowing right
EB: no, maybe someone should build a dam in that particular river.
EB: although admittedly your ramblings are pretty amusing.
TG: gotta go gotta flow aint nothing to mess with
TG: the rhymes in my mind are getting so hectic
EB: oh god here we fucking go again.
TG: cant chill too thrilled too dope to cease
TG: cause there is a war man cant be no peace
TG: what war well lemme tell you its a war of the psyche
TG: the battle between whats in your head and what might be
TG: a little hint of crazy coming out of your head that
TG: is bearing its claws and getting ready to shred
TG: but whats crazy whats sane whats anything really
TG: what you call crazy i call brilliant
TG: so dont dam my flow dont stop the river flowing
TG: cause you might have some mortar but ill keep on going
TG: peace
EB: dave.
TG: john
EB: dave do you ever stop rapping?
TG: no
EB: yeah i know, why did i even ask.
TG: you asked cause youre naive and thats all you got
TG: dont play with the big dogs when your brain settings on rot
TG: man dont fuck with this shit dont mess with this guy
TG: youre gonna end up sobbing in mad rue if you try
TG: and i know rue i know it like a lover
EB: you're seriously doing it again.
TG: so dont even try to mess with me brother
EB: why are we even friends.
EB: brother doesn't even rhyme with lover.
TG: slant rhyme
TG: artistic liberties
EB: what would you do if i threw a fish in your bedroom window.
EB: would that surprise you.
TG: well yeah id be surprised if you had such a fuckin long arm
TG: do you know what sort of mad sports you could do with that
TG: you could toss the bball in the top net not even trying
EB: dude i said throw.
EB: not, "elongate arm and place gently"
TG: i stand by what i said you could do some mad sports with that thing
TG: toss the bball through the hoop
TG: toss the baseball into the end zone
TG: touchdown motherfucker john "rocket power" egberts in town
EB: i don't have super long arms dave.
EB: that would be super annoying.
TG: if you can throw a fish from seattle to houston though thats crazy
TG: fish arent even aerodynamic
TG: except in a very abstract sense i guess
EB: i am going to do it.
EB: i'm going to throw this motherfucking fish.
EB: all the way to houston.
EB: are you ready, dave.
EB: are you ready for this fish.
TG: do it
TG: i wanna see it flying over the horizon like the spaceship in independence day
TG: like will smith hurtling towards the aliens with all the fury of a thousand oppressed humans
EB: wait for it.
EB: wait for it.
EB: okay i threw it.
EB: right now it should be somewhere near seattle.
EB: now it's probably in nevada or idaho or something.
TG: whats the windspeed i want to be here when it lands
EB: oh god what the hell is with the trajectory now it's going to kansas.
EB: utah??
EB: it's flying everywhere dave, help!
EB: it's out of control!
EB: and my arms aren't long enough to fetch it- oh god it's in nebraska
TG: oh fuck you didnt check for wings
TG: goddammit john youre supposed to do science before you fuck with the laws of physics
EB: dave tell me.
EB: would YOU have checked the fish for wings??
EB: wait, wait, it's heading west.
EB: lousiana.
EB: now- whoa it's going fast- IT'S IN TEXAS DAVE, IT'S IN TEXAS.
TG: someone call the president
TG: oh fuck
TG: john i see something
EB: mr. obama theres a flying fish on the loose.
EB: catch it dave.
EB: use your flowing river powers.
TG: its like a dark speck on the horizon
TG: wait i need to get my baseball glove
TG: im not ready for this
TG: why didnt i play rec tball
EB: are you fucking kidding me CATCH IT.
TG: oh fuck
TG: dude
TG: you miscalculated the trajectory slightly
EB: oh my god.
TG: my downstairs neighbor
TG: he sounds awake and angry
EB: well not like i knew the fish could fly!
TG: you knew you could throw it
TG: if he calls the police and they know im connected somehow im definitely implicating you
EB: well, uh, he's YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
EB: by the way, the fish is named francis.
EB: just thought you should know.
TG: like hell im going to stand trial for a fish that wasnt even my idea
EB: dave that trial will be madness.
TG: i cant do it john i cant face the law
TG: gonna have to shoot the sheriff
EB: dave listen to me.
EB: i'll be your attourney.
TG: okay
TG: what do i do
TG: i cant go to prison john theyre going to steal my beats
TG: plagiarism runs rampant in a place like that
EB: dave, what's the status on the fish.
TG: probably floor of downstairs neighbors apartment
TG: are you suggesting i steal it back and eat the evidence
EB: yes. yes i am.
TG: i know i question your intelligence a lot but that sounds like an awesome idea
TG: i mean what could possibly go wrong
EB: just one word of advice.
TG: is it "run"
EB: no.
EB: just...
EB: cook the fish.
TG: i may take your advice
TG: maybe i wont
TG: what can i say im just an unpredictable guy
EB: whatever.
EB: have fun with salmonella.
TG: i thought that was in eggs
EB: also fish.
TG: oh like salmon salmonella i get it
TG: well im gonna go sneak downstairs bust into the apartment of an angry man in a wifebeater
TG: steal the fish that just flew through his window
TG: avoiding his punching fists
TG: then run out of the doorway eating it like a shitty gollum cosplayer
TG: then tiptoe back into the apartment without waking up my bro and getting ambushed
TG: also while avoiding anyone who might see me running through the halls at 2am with blood on my face and a ravaged raw fish in my hands
TG: and quietly going back to asleep
TG: that sounds like the best plan ever
TG: laters
EB: peace.
