HOME | DD

Description

I.
My dearest father,
I love you with all of my heart,
but I need you to hear me.

Levi staggered into the room, wincing a bit as unwanted pressure was laid against his ankle. The mission was a failure, many wounded, even more dead.

The thought of the loss weighed on his mind, and made him lose his balance many times, once he was inside his quarters, he shut the door with more force than applied, limping forward, only to fall forward a bit. He reached out, gripping a rounded table aside the wall.

It was a small table, only a vase and small frame upon it, both which had stumbled and fell to the floor, smashing into small, irretrievable pieces.

That which had called for the attention of the four year old, whom also occupied the living quarters.

"Papa?"

He sighed, throwing his head back. He had hoped to get by undetected, but it was proven impossible. The girl swayed in the doorway, her (h/c) hair braided neatly down her back.

"Do you need help?"

"No, (Name), I'm fine. Go back to what you were doing."

He limped past her, reaching out for the desk a few feet away, oblivious to the pair of round (e/c) eyes resting on his swollen ankle.

II.
My dearest teacher,
I know I'm bothersome.
I know I'm arrogant.
But I'm still learning.
Please stop giving up on me so fast.
I just need a little more time.

"Papa?"

Levi grunted in response, eyes focused on the paperwork resting underneath his pen's tip.

(Name) stepped towards the desk slowly, placing her palms on the smooth wood while resting the peak of her (shaped) nose on the edge. Levi's eyes immediately flicked up, a deep scowl growing at the sight of her close proximity. The child's wide eyes avoided his, resting on the dark wood ahead of her face.

Her chin twitched, afraid of the simple question she had in mind.

"Can you," she began in a gentle murmur, "help me tie my shoes?"

His tongue flicked off of the roof of his mouth, creating a click noise as he sprawled his fingers out over the papers waiting to be signed.

"Honestly, (Name), how many times do I need to show you?" He placed his hand firmly on the top of the girl's head, lifting it slightly so her eyes met with the desk's surface.

"Do you see this pile of paperwork I've been assigned?"

She shook her head lightly, his hand still on her temple.

"Do you want to live beside criminals, titans? Do you want me to lose everything I'm working so hard for?" His voice was laced with a rough tone.

She shook her head, her eyes closed, breaths unsteady and chin quivering.

He pushed her back with his one hand, moving her away from his desk with a simple, easy shove.

"Then go."

III.
My dearest guardian,
I get in the way sometimes.
I am only trying to help,
please, don't raise your voice,
nor your fist.
Please, just tell me what I can do.

"(Name)!"

A shiver ran down her spine, but she quickly retreated from her room, stumbling in front of the furious figure in the center of the office. Her hands folded behind her back and she stood straight, brows furrowed as she waited for his next words.

"What the fuck is this?" He pointed at the puddle on the floor.

Her heart dropped, knowing exactly what it was. Being that she was only eight now, it was unexpected that she'd be able to handle watering the plants on her own without making a bit of a mess. She was just hoping that he wouldn't notice.

But he did.

"I-I was just getting water. Momma's plants -"

His glare was ice in her very soul as he took slow, slow steps towards his daughter, rage growing through his balled fist.

"You can't even handle that? How the hell am I going to leave you alone anymore?"

He knelt down to her level, watching as she flinched when he grabbed her arm harshly.

"It's just a little water, I'll clean it!" She said with growing fear, tears pooling in her shut eyes.

"Just a little?" He stood, hand still connected to her arm as he tugged her behind his desk, pointing a shaking finger at the mess of water still dripping from the surface.

It was more than just a little.

"I'm sorry, I'm - !"

He pulled her up by under her arms, shaking her slightly as her feet dangled.

"You're such a lousy brat! My shit is ruined because you wanted to piss around and fuck everything up?" He spat.

"I didn't mean to!"

IV.
My dearest hero,
I need your constant opinion,
I need your word.
You fight my nightmares,
you fight my mind when I get angry with myself.
I need you here with me.

It was always a rough day for Levi. It wasn't a surprise being his career choice. But for (Name), how was she supposed to react? How was he supposed to react to the dark bruises that would be stained into her pure, young skin in the shape of his hands?

He knew what he did. He knew he could stop. It didn't mean he ever would. He might never control his rage, he may never get to understand it.

But standing in her doorway, unnoticed, he realized how amazing it really was, how strong his daughter was, knowing she continued to face him.

Her crayons were splaying against the hardwood, paper beneath her bandaged knees and fingers clenching in thought. She turned to the side, fingers reaching for a new tool, but she paused, realizing her onlooker. Her (e/c) eyes, which matched her mother's, met with his cold, gray ones. But they were softer than usual, which gave her an uneasy feeling.

"What are you doing?" His arms were crossed and he leaned against the door's entrance, but despite his rough-looking exterior, his voice was soft, and kind. Unlike most conversations they shared.

She scrambled to her feet, her digits clamping down on the paper shakily as she stood and held it up in front of her.

Levi straightened, approaching the young woman, his boney hands gently taking the paper from hers. She held her head down, awaiting his lecture or his scolding or his hand, but none of it was received.

"It's good. You're very talented."

(Name) gasped softly, her shaking hands held up to take the artwork back from him.

Was that it? Did he really mean that?

She smiled, unknown to her own lips. His shadow nearly devoured her own, forcing a new feeling of safety into her mind.

But her smile faded, watching his palm turn towards her head, and she shut her eyes, gritting her teeth as she awaited the blow.

Nothing.

Only the slightest pat on her crown.

V.
My dearest friend,
Did you know I cried every night this week?
I'm stuck, and I don't know where to turn.
I'm scared. I'm scared of my mind. I'm scared of you.
Every sound, every movement,
I'm scared you're there to haunt me
I know what I've done.
I'm trying my best. I promise.

She held in her hiccups best she could, her palms pressed tightly against her ears, but to no use. The room was dark around her, her quilt pulled up to her chin, the rim of it wet with her salty tears.

"Well what am I supposed to do, Erwin? You want me to remind her three times a day that she's a fuck-up? What do you want me to do?"

"Levi, you need to watch out for her. She's your child - "

"I have work to do! You know what, have Hanji stop by the orphanage sometime, maybe they'll take her!"

"That's not what I'm suggesting. I understand it was an accident, but you are her father - "

"I didn't ask to be!"

No other words were exchanged. The whole office was quiet, (Name)'s hiccups ceasing as she took it in, relishing in the argument from the other room.

"What am I supposed to do?" Levi nearly whispered, so quiet the drop of a pin could be heard.

"Levi," Erwin spoke calmly, "I'm not going to tell you how to raise your child. However, you know that this is too dangerous a place for a little girl. You need to watch her."

"I understand. Also, I'll send out a cadet or two to get Hanji new tools tomorrow."

VI.
My dearest hope,
I'm scared.
I think of how fast you could leave,
and I worry, hiding away.
I don't want to cage away anymore.
Please, don't forget about me,
please treat me like a human,
for I've forgotten how.

The room was covered in a dust she knew she'd be in trouble for later, however, the whole concept was numbing her to the core.

No matter what she'd do, it was always getting her punished, in trouble with cadets, with squad leaders, with her father. It was never good.

Her eleventh birthday was in a few days, would anyone even care to wish her a good day?

She had locked herself in her room for her own safety, as well as everyone else's. And she was starting to worry about if anyone had noticed.

Her father would enter the quarters a few times, only ever pacing or rushing to his desk and out the door.

(Name)'s stomach growled, her thin arms going to wrap around it tightly as she sat on her bed.

VII.
My dearest idol,
I've not forgotten anything you've told me,
good or bad, I remember.
Everything I do, I know what you'd say.
Am I really a burden?
Do I really belong here?

"How stupid can you get?"

"You're an Ackerman, aren't you? Act like it!"

"You're trash! Useless trash!"

She remembered everything he called her. 'Worthless garbage', 'waste of air', 'dumbest dipshit', and apparently calling her a 'wad of fucking horse shit' was his favorite.

Of course, she could never hate him, he was right, wasn't he? Levi Ackerman, the strongest man alive, her father; he wouldn't say all of that out of pure fun, would he?

It had to be true to some extent.

Behind closed doors or even straight to her face, she's filled herself up to the brim with every name she's been called, how many times she's screwed up and again and again how pointless it was to even continue loving her father the way she does so badly.

She remembered the good things he's said to her.

"I know you can make it somewhere in this shithole."

"You're so talented, (Name)."

She continuously wonders whether or not she's heard the phrase she's desperate for and not realized it. Oh, how bad she hopes she's heard it at least once from his lips, some sign to let her know her existence isn't pointless.

But maybe another day.

VIII.
My dearest paladin,
I'm still growing,
I've much to learn before I move forward on my own.
I know I'm often causing trouble and
I know it's getting harder for you to stay,
but if you still love me,
would you let me know?

"(Name), go get a cadet for me." He asked every day.

"Papa, I can get your tea today, if you would like."

He hadn't looked up from his work, pen scribbling across the surface. "No, I wouldn't. Go get a cadet."

She sighed, sliding of the leather couch beside his desk and opening the door, peaking her head out.

The hallway was empty, not even distant chatter was heard.

She hesitated, not wanting to turn back and tell her father, but she didn't want to roam aimlessly and end up getting lost.

Thirteen years living in the headquarters and the girl still got lost in the halls.

"(Name)." She froze, head still hanging out the entrance.

"Hurry up, my patience is waning."

"Yes sir."

(Name) stepped out, closing the door ever so lightly behind her before breathing in deep, and exhaling.

She began walking in the direction of the mess hall, which she knew was only a short walk away.

She just hoped she remembered how to make his tea.

IX.
My dearest warrior,
I'm still young, naïve and curious.
Please don't leave me, help me.
Please don't hurt me, heal me.
Please don't hear me, listen to me.
You're everything I've got.
And I'm willing to fight for it.

Hanji had met up with the aging girl every week, whether it be for experiments, or quick favors, or just to sit with each other in solitude.

Because Hanji noticed. Hanji noticed how her behaviors changed, and how she wasn't so much afraid of Levi, but just numb.

How many other fifteen year old girls out there felt it was normal to feel unwanted, unloved, unimportant?

"You know, (Name)," Hanji had said their last afternoon together, "Your father really has been wondering where you've been running off to these past couple months."

The girl's now cold glare was downcast, focused on the thin fingers wrapped tightly around her warm mug, which was full to the brim with a chocolaty substance she used to have a favor for. She hadn't cared much for sweets anymore.

"He is too busy."

The conversation was pretty flat, Hanji unsure of what to say, carefully picking out her words and trying her best not to blurt out as she would normally.

"Hanji, I've tried - "

"That's not good enough! She's practically withering away, where's the joyful girl she once was?"

Levi's hands slammed against the wall of the hallway, attracting the attention of passerby's.

"(Name) is none of your damn concern! If I remember clearly, it was you who had sent a complaint to me about how she was just in your way!"

"She was immature! Just a child! She didn't understand, I was at fault - "

"Oh shut up. I'm done with this, shitty-glasses. I don't want to talk about this again. Leave her be."

As he walked away, Hanji had called out again, silencing the halls.

"I won't be surprised if she is found dead tomorrow!"

It was like a sharp knife through his chest; one he'd never forget. His little girl, dead?

"Don't you dare think to yourself that it's unlikely! She thinks about it everyday, Levi!"

He continued on his way, refusing to turn around, knowing that if he did, he would march back and snap her and all those stupid cadets in half.

They didn't know. No one knew. (Name) was fine, she would always be. Because he loved her, he did. He really did.

X.
My dearest,
I love you.
And I know somewhere inside,
you still love me.
But there's a place for me,
and though it may not be here,
I will stay by your side.
For I know how it feels to
be left behind.
And I love you too much to
leave you behind.

please comment before you favorite!