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#friendship #trade
Published: 2013-11-05 22:29:22 +0000 UTC; Views: 3552; Favourites: 69; Downloads: 0
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There Were Four
It was a slow day, and for good reason. November rain drummed down on the streets of the city, sluicing through gutters and filling the air with the gentle scent of soaked concrete. The only people out in such weather had good reasons for braving the cold; they walked with heads ducked and collars turned, single-mindedly hurrying towards their destinations. Few of them stopped to consider a scruffy beggar huddled beneath the mediocre shelter of a bus stop, even when waiting under the same alcove for transportation.
It was hardly surprising. I was under the shelter because it kept off the worst of the rain, not because I expected coins. It had just seemed rather silly not to put down the tin, you know? Besides, there’s something to be said for taking a while to watch people go by, their stories trailing behind them like the ragged ends of an old cloak. While I might not have gotten enough change for a simple can of soup by the end of the day, I could hardly call the day a waste.
There were only four people who stopped that day. They are the four I remember.
~o~
The first was a pretty, middle-aged woman dressed in a business-like skirt and blouse. She walked confidently, her heels clicking neatly on the sidewalk and umbrella roaring beneath the weight of the rain. Her hands were neatly manicured, and aside from her shoes she was completely dry; this wasn’t a woman who’d let anything touch her, least of all rain.
This woman slowed to a stop in front of me, close enough for me to catch the barest whiff of her perfume. I could only assume she could smell my own in return; her shapely nose stayed wrinkled in disgust. She stood at precisely the right point to send the water cascading from her umbrella straight onto me, at first. The rain soaked through my thin jacket in seconds, running in frigid rivulets down my face and stomach, but she didn’t pay it much mind.
And that’s what left a sour taste in my mouth, as I cursed and shifted away from the water. Her lip curled before she tsked and turned sharply from me, her inspection complete. She didn’t care who I was, what I thought, or where I’d been, and it wasn’t because she hadn’t noticed me. She had stopped, acknowledged my existence… then decided it was unworthy and dismissed me. Just like that. Like I said; there’s no touching some people.
~o~
The second was a small, wiry man who could have been anywhere between forty and sixty. He was scruffy around the chin and had huge bushy eyebrows that nearly hid his alert eyes. He shuffled under the shelter with a nervous air and proceeded to chatter harmlessly at me in a rough-edged voice for a minute or two, hands shifting and movements quick and jerky. It didn’t take long for the scent of old smoke and stale sweat to tinge the air; his torn work-coat reeked of too many years of hard work with no soap. The beer bottle in his hand made frequent trips to his mustached mouth, yellow teeth flashing in an occasional strained smile.
Halfway through a rather ribald tale about his first and last night spent in a subway, he seemed to come to a decision; his hand darted towards the can at my feet and grubbed up the coins within. “Sorry, buddy,” he muttered, surging to his feet and dancing out of reach at my startled exclamation. There was a pained look to his eyes, not quite regretful but apologetic all the same. “Places to go, people to see, yannow?” Then he was out from under the overhang as quickly as he had come, disappearing into a bus that I hadn’t even seen arrive.
He left behind his half-full beer bottle and a grungy cigarette, forlorn recompense in the only currency the man had likely ever truly known. I rinsed out the layer of grime he’d left in my can with the beer, pocketed the cigarette, and begrudgingly tipped an imaginary hat towards the bus as it pulled away.
~o~
The third almost passed me by entirely; if it weren’t for the fact that I had set the can just outside of the edge of the shelter to let the rain rinse out the remnants of beer, the kid would have pelted past before I could see more of him than a confused blur. As it was, his outstretched foot landed on the edge of the can and it promptly slipped from beneath him. He went tumbling head over heel to the ground, fetching up against the post of the shelter with a clang.
This first impression, of whirling limbs just barely protecting his slight form and small, pained voice, remained true throughout the encounter. He was a painfully thin kid, sharp cheek bones jutting out beneath wide eyes and sodden hair. The kid had a stumbling voice, filled with frequent pauses as he searched for the next word in his embarrassed apology. His bare toes, now skinned and bleeding slightly, curled on the concrete as he scrounged through his pocket for a few lonesome coins. The results of his search were quickly dropped into the slightly dented can at his feet with a wet clang.
He took off like a shot before I’d found my voice again, I’m sorry to say. The coins in the bottom of the water in my can consisted of everything he’d had in his pockets, and his eyes had met mine directly. I can only hope that they said what I could not express through voice.
~o~
The fourth was an older woman, frazzled around the edges and carrying just a few too many things for comfort. She was bundled against the cold in a down-to-earth coat, a woolen scarf wrapped around her neck. Her cheeks were chapped from the wind, but her eyes were gentle and warm. Everything about her was warm, in truth, from her manner and voice to the scent of coffee and wet wool which hung around her. They almost completely masked the faint tang of disinfectant that lingered on the nurse’s uniform beneath her coat.
She spotted me shortly after exiting the bus that day, and as she approached she checked her pockets. It was obvious even from afar that she’d found nothing in them; I offered a wry smile and waved her on. But she stopped, shifting her thermos to one arm and checking her watch. Whatever she saw there prompted an irritated frown, but the smile she turned towards me was kind. Before I knew it she had settled down on the bench beside me, rummaged around in the paper bag she held in the same arm as her thermos, and offered me a slightly damp molasses cookie. It wasn’t long before the rain-water and coins had been poured from my can and replaced with a steaming portion of coffee, unsweetened but with just enough milk to cut the bitterness.
She stayed and talked for a good half hour, some of the strain clearing from her face as the conversation went on, and before she left she shook hands with me gladly. I watched her go, memorizing her form as I sipped slowly at the cooling dregs of coffee.
~o~
I never learned any of their names, and they never told me who they were or where they were going. And they never had to; sometimes I wonder if I’m not left with a more complete picture of a person for having known them so briefly. After all, they would never have to see me again, and so I guess they just didn’t bother with the usual masks. In the end, I can only hope that I managed to give all of them at least a fraction of something they needed, in exchange for their time--however brief.
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Comments: 63
Myrethy In reply to ??? [2014-02-07 00:11:25 +0000 UTC]
I'm currently trying to think of a good, in-depth critique... though it might be problematic, I'm still stunned.
The simplicity of the piece is what gives it a real charm. The beggar, who I keep imagining as a teenage girl for some reason, needs absolutely no backstory in order to explain themselves. We can see who they are, bits and pieces, through their reactions to the four people and that beautiful last paragraph, which I think is my favorite part. I liked the progression of worst to best, I interpreted it as optimistic-things may be bad now, but they can get better.
I really don't know if I can say much, except that your writing style is captivating and beautiful. The piece has a sense of pace that is slow and kind of melancholy, but at the same time content with he way the story is moving... kind of like how the beggar was content with what had happened with the four people even though they didn't have enough to take care of themselves. The story is brief, just like the time the four gave, and in my opinion it's the perfect length! I like longer things, and I like the short one-paragraph drabbles that I have encountered, but for describing a few moments of loneliness, disgust, and kindness, I say you've done a terrific job!
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Grumpy-Old-Snake In reply to Myrethy [2014-02-23 17:31:53 +0000 UTC]
Hey-oh! Here we go.
I'm glad that the simplicity seems to work, I've kind of begun hoping that the way I present details about the people here leaves some things up to interpretation while still painting a complete picture, if that makes any sense? So with that in mind your idea of who the beggar may be is a bit different than mine which is pretty awesome. I did actually try to keep the beggar gender-neutral, but in my writing I think I default to what (to me, at least) feels like a vaguely masculine air, so I'm kind of glad to hear that that trend might not be quite so prevalent as it feels like it is to me.
It's good to hear that you like the last paragraph; I haven't been sure of it myself but most everyone who's given feedback seems to like it, so I guess I should listen a bit there. I think I found what's been bugging me about it, actually, and it's the repeat mention of 'the kid' that makes it feel unbalanced. Do you think it would positively affect the ending to remove that brief mention?
That's actually a really cool way to look at the order of worst to best, and one I hadn't considered before. I really like it though, it seems to fit.
I'm not sure how to respond to your last few points; they have a poetry of their own, and leave me a little bit speechless, so I guess I'll just stick with 'thank you'. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment, I truly do appreciate it.
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Myrethy In reply to Grumpy-Old-Snake [2014-02-23 20:50:26 +0000 UTC]
Many times you're welcome, friend. Keep up the great work!
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my-sword-is-bigger [2014-01-27 03:48:20 +0000 UTC]
I was about to postpone reading this because I had something to do, but a quick scan through it and it just completely hooked my interest. Not in the way an action movie does, of course, but rather in that it's simply so ... well written. Plus, it has an amazing 'mood' to it. There's just something very deep to this piece.
The ending was absolutely amazing. It wrapped everything up nicely and was satisfying, as well as being able to leave a lasting impression. You can really tell the type of person this narrator is: someone who probably has an interesting and great backstory, who's seen enough shit to no longer care, who doesn't show malevolence even to douchebags. Actually, on that topic, each of the characters was very well developed and real, and memorable.
Your descriptions were also amazingly done. My favourite would have to be "umbrella roaring as rain pattered off it." Throughout the whole piece you managed to keep the mood and atmosphere, and vividly maintain the dreariness of the rain - which you transformed into almost comfort at the end.
All in all, this is a beautifully crafted and layered, 3D piece of writing that has managed to leave a lasting effect on me. I have no negative comments about it even though I tried to pick out something as constructive criticism. You have my utmost respect.
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Grumpy-Old-Snake In reply to my-sword-is-bigger [2014-01-27 19:06:33 +0000 UTC]
Well, thank you for taking the time to read this, then, and for all your kind words! This is one of my prouder pieces so I'm always excited when people like it. The class this piece was done for was so very good for me as far as learning experiences go; it taught me just how much effort I am willing to put into editing something... And some new ways to go about doing so.
I was definitely aiming for an overarching mood with the rain, and I'm glad it came through. I'm glad the conclusion seems to work. It feels slightly... Heavy handed to me at times, but I dunno. And I'm still not sure about whether I should mention the kid that second time; no one else is returned to, and I'm worried that it might be a bit of reverse favoritism--I couldn't quite imply what I wanted to imply with him and so kept being tempted to outright state it .. Haha, now I remember why I gave up and stopped touching it. xD
I'm also really glad that the characters seem real. The older woman and the scruffy man in particular mmuch me really curious about where they were going, where they're coming from. Who's the man going to see? What got him into his situation? What is the woman's life like, why did she need someone to talk to? Does she have someone to go home to, or is she living alone? I was really hoping that my own curiosity would show through while I was writing.
Ahh, the descriptions. This entire exercise in the class was aimed towards describing things in detail; before we ever started writing, the teacher had us set up web-shaped graphic organizers with the five senses arranged around a central number that stated where they were going to appear in the story (best to worst or vice versa, depending). I ended up describing what they did in the central wheel as well, which lead to some reordering. Originally, the scruffy man was going to be the first and 'worst'--after all, he stole from the beggar, and wasn't intended to be the most comfortable companion...
Then I actually thought about it and realized that, personally, I'd rather have someone steal something that they honestly need from me than have them dismiss my entire existence. So I added in a note that he leaves his beer and cigarette stump behind, and moved him to the second position. Suddenly all that grit and texture was part of him, and had nothing to do with the beggar's opinion; I liked that much better, and kept it in mind for the rest of the story. Instead of worst to best in descriptions, it was ordered on what they did. The first 'negated' the beggar, destroying his worth without even gaining anything for herself; the second stole from the beggar, and while it's implied he WOULD have made a trade, in the end he isn't willing to risk his chance and so apologizes instead (otherwise I might have considered moving him up to third); the third gives to the beggar, but doesn't trust him enough to let him give something in return; and the fourth doesn't give, doesn't trade, but shares--neither loses anything and they both gain something.
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my-sword-is-bigger In reply to Grumpy-Old-Snake [2014-01-28 01:12:59 +0000 UTC]
My pleasure! That sounds like quite a cool class, then. I've personally never tried laying out the senses like that, I prefer to just completely imagine myself in the place (not good, because sometimes there are inconsistencies).
And yes, as you said, the older woman and the scruffy man definitely gave off the coolest backstories. For the woman, she actually reminded me of some amazing people I know who are like that. They'd just take the time out of their busy days to share some kind words with strangers, and help someone out if they need it. That's sort of the impression I got from her; she probably didn't quite need to talk, but decided it would be a nice thing to do. Obviously from her looking at the watch, she has somewhere to go and will probably be late now. Which makes it all the more amazing that she decides to trade. And I really love how the beggar stares after her and memorises her form after she leaves. That was quite beautiful, actually.
As for the scruffy man, I'd guess he's being chased by the police xD I hadn't considered that he'd make a trade though, I just thought he left the stuff there because he felt bad. And it was quite interesting how you ordered the scenes ~ when I read that it was for a prompt, I did wonder if the business woman was worse than the thief. Personal opinion, I guess, but it was the unnecessary act of splashing rain on the beggar that made me decide perhaps she was worse.
PS. I just went through your gallery looking for who the boy was (I could tell it was one of your characters by the way you wrote him lol). Is it Linast?
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Grumpy-Old-Snake In reply to my-sword-is-bigger [2014-01-29 05:47:53 +0000 UTC]
Oh! And yeah, that's Linast. The others are all inspired by some of my characters as well, but they have much more of a life of their own and don't stand out so much. I'd been planning to fix up his section so it's less... Different than the others, but haven't quite figured out how yet. I'm probably going to start by changing the reference to his odd speech patterns... And changing his description so it's more textural like the others and less a list of traits might be an option, too.
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my-sword-is-bigger In reply to Grumpy-Old-Snake [2014-01-31 05:08:27 +0000 UTC]
Well I think the only reason he seems to stand out is that it does focus more on describing him than on his actions, like in the other ones. Hope that helps
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Grumpy-Old-Snake In reply to my-sword-is-bigger [2014-01-29 05:22:12 +0000 UTC]
It was a really fun class, yes. Too bad it only lasted one semester! I hadn't ever tried laying the senses out like that, either, but it worked well when the descriptions themselves were such an integral part of the story. I'm not sure if I'd use it again, though... Might be useful if I'm trying to create a certain mood or feel to something/where again, I suppose. It lets you scan the descriptors quickly to see what they add up to in your mind, and whether any stand out in a way you don't want or go against your end goal.
People like that have my utmost respect, though I'll admit I've never met many. And yeah, I guess I misphrased that a bit. Her own nerves certainly weren't the reason she stopped, and you're spot-on with the implications of the watch. But I did intend for the talk to end up doing her some good, not just the beggar, which is why I had her relax by the end of the conversation--regardless of whatever it is she's possibly going to be late for. And I'm really glad him watching her go was memorable. I wanted to show a bit of wistfulness, there, and a little bit of my own question of 'does she have someone to go home to'? There's also a lo of respect to it; he's not going to forget her, or trivialize her actions, that's for certain.
Lol! I like that concept. A bit of misphrasing on my part there, too, I think. I'm still not entirely sure how to say it, it's one of those silly only half-worded feelings in my head. You're right--he leaves them behind because he feels bad. It's not exactly a trade if both parties don't agree, and he likely didn't intend it as such. He probably could> have made a trade--the beggar probably would have been willing--but in the end he never even really considers it, which says something of how much he trusted the beggar. Which, in turn, probably says something about his life.
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my-sword-is-bigger In reply to Grumpy-Old-Snake [2015-02-12 12:11:45 +0000 UTC]
Ahhhh I rooted through the comments and found this one that hadn't been replied to, so I think it was deleted in my inbox. I'll just reply now (a year later ) as well as comment on the new version.
I like what you did with the new intro by not saying that the beggar didn't mind being there. Also, the sentences there seem to flow / connect better in this version.
But you changed the umbrella part! I love that part! (The "umbrella roaring as rain pattered off of it" part … )
To be honest, I think that, although the revised version is a lot more concise, I prefer the old one. The descriptions made it very vivid and real, and all put together, it created a beautiful atmosphere. Personally I think it'd be even awesomer if you combined these two versions, with the 'neatness' of the new and the 'vividness' of the old. But like everything, that's easier said than done.
The star-layout thing sounds like one of those "Good in theory, but I can't be bothered" things. I'd completely forgotten about it until now though, but yeah, it does sound very helpful. I might use it too sometime.
Ahhh yeah another thing (which I don't think I mentioned before) about this piece is how well you showed the characters! We catch a glimpse of their lives and personality, and they're so well developed in less than 3 paragraphs. If only more professional authors did that.
Well there's also the possibility that the thief realised what a shoddy trade it'd have been. Cos some beer and half a cigarette doesn't feed you, so I think most people wouldn't have made such a trade, espescially if those coins were all they had.
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weekendhunters [2013-11-07 02:31:18 +0000 UTC]
Oh my goodness. This is a pretty good piece right here, mind if I add it to my group?
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Grumpy-Old-Snake In reply to weekendhunters [2013-11-07 02:40:38 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! I'd like to take a look at the group first, could you send me a link?
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