HOME | DD

Description
I love my dad.
and I wish I knew him so much better, but it happened like this,
even though he is wonderfully funny and wise in an odd way, and can put complicated things in the simplest terms and plays the best blues guitar & his kids were & are always the most important thing to him,
everyone has problems,
and my dad was an alcoholic,
so much that he could have died, which is so, so terrifying
and my mom cheated on him,

they divorced and we moved,
moved away from where I was supposed to be, where there are mountains and rivers and forests, where there are real and actual memories, maryland.
moved to where there are soybean fields and shopping malls; normal, illinois.
moved in with my new step-dad,
actually, my dad's sister's ex-husband,
so the family half my blood comes from hated her,
and I never really belonged with either side.
but I forgive my mom,
because that's all people can do.
but anyway,
the step-dad still had rock n' roll dreams, and bought home gyms and stuff, and they went to california
and had a daughter with my mom,
my half-sister,
who he liked better than his step-children, and played favorites,
which I have a really hard time forgiving.
but after a while they stopped getting along,
so I hid with my brother and step-sister/cousin in a mattress-fort
while they yelled and threw things at each other
(my dad never would have done that)
so they divorced,
but we're still in illinois,
and my mom's new boyfriend insists on paying for everything,
and my brother has a girlfriend and I never see him anymore and he's kind of violent,
and we don't catch fish and frogs in the creek anymore,
because the creek is actually a drainage ditch
and now the cousin I played dress-up with has tattoos and drug problems,
and I don't love my (half-)sister nearly as much as I want to,
and I miss my dad so much sometimes (and I'm so proud that he's been sober since I was maybe 9,)
and I can't tell him that and I don't know why.
and even though life is unimaginably wonderful,
of course,
sometimes it just feels like
every-
thing is
all
wrong.

and mostly I just know that there is another me, that could have been,
I could have been a different person;
and sometimes I like her better.
and I don't know where home is,
but I'm always, always homesick.

Description
I love my dad.
and I wish I knew him so much better, but it happened like this,
even though he is wonderfully funny and wise in an odd way, and can put complicated things in the simplest terms and plays the best blues guitar & his kids were & are always the most important thing to him,
everyone has problems,
and my dad was an alcoholic,
so much that he could have died, which is so, so terrifying
and my mom cheated on him,

they divorced and we moved,
moved away from where I was supposed to be, where there are mountains and rivers and forests, where there are real and actual memories, maryland.
moved to where there are soybean fields and shopping malls; normal, illinois.
moved in with my new step-dad,
actually, my dad's sister's ex-husband,
so the family half my blood comes from hated her,
and I never really belonged with either side.
but I forgive my mom,
because that's all people can do.
but anyway,
the step-dad still had rock n' roll dreams, and bought home gyms and stuff, and they went to california
and had a daughter with my mom,
my half-sister,
who he liked better than his step-children, and played favorites,
which I have a really hard time forgiving.
but after a while they stopped getting along,
so I hid with my brother and step-sister/cousin in a mattress-fort
while they yelled and threw things at each other
(my dad never would have done that)
so they divorced,
but we're still in illinois,
and my mom's new boyfriend insists on paying for everything,
and my brother has a girlfriend and I never see him anymore and he's kind of violent,
and we don't catch fish and frogs in the creek anymore,
because the creek is actually a drainage ditch
and now the cousin I played dress-up with has tattoos and drug problems,
and I don't love my (half-)sister nearly as much as I want to,
and I miss my dad so much sometimes (and I'm so proud that he's been sober since I was maybe 9,)
and I can't tell him that and I don't know why.
and even though life is unimaginably wonderful,
of course,
sometimes it just feels like
every-
thing is
all
wrong.

and mostly I just know that there is another me, that could have been,
I could have been a different person;
and sometimes I like her better.
and I don't know where home is,
but I'm always, always homesick.