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Description
An office. Inside it is a DESK with TWO CHAIRS. All of it fancy-looking wood. Along a wall hang lots of certificates. The desk holds some photos, a toy or two, a COFFEE CUP. At the desk sits a man, RANDY, probably in his forties. He holds a few sheets of paper - some sort of RÉSUMÉ. He picks up the COFFEE, sips it. These two actions - reading and sipping - engulf him while the following takes place off-stage.

A door creaks. A second's pause.

MAN
(nervously) Hello?

WOMAN
(Friendlily) Hello there! Are you here for an interview?

MAN
Yes! Hi, I'm Greg!

WOMAN
Well hello, Greg! Could I have your last name, please?

GREG
Clark.

WOMAN
Hm, alright, one second... (Typing noises) Gregory Clark?

GREG
Yep!

WOMAN
Wonderful. If you'll just give me a moment, I'll let Mr. Munroe know you're here.

Enter the WOMAN (DORIS, in case you were wondering). She's got glasses and curly hair and looks like she was born to secretaire.

DORIS
Mr. Munroe? It's your two thirty.

RANDY
(Like he's been doing this all day) Right, thanks.

He stands up, walks over to the door, still staring at the papers. Once he's at the door, he looks up and, after a moment, forces his face into a semblance of casual excitement.

RANDY
Hi! You must be Greg?

GREG (From off-stage)
Yes! Hello!

RANDY
I'm Randy. Nice to meet ya. Come on in.

Enter GREG. He's a little bit on the clumsy end, in his early twenties. They shake hands.

RANDY
Here, have a seat.

As RANDY sits down on the chair facing the door, GREG moves the other one and sits down as well. He's not too graceful, but he makes up for it in enthusiasm.

RANDY
I see you got here alright.

GREG
(Chuckles)  Well, all things considered, it was better than I expected.

RANDY
Really now? That's nice to hear. You're uh... (He looks at GREG's face) a little early, I'd say.

GREG
Well, you know what they say, "only the good die young."

RANDY chuckles, the kind of chuckle you make when you've heard the joke from a hundred "clever" people but have no choice but to pretend it's still funny.

RANDY
Direct, I like that. Well, ok Mr. Clark, let's get right down to business. What makes you think you'll be a good fit in Heaven?

GREG
(Confidently, like he's practiced this)
Well, I'm glad you asked that, Randy. As a matter if fact, I've spent most of my life preparing for a place here. I've attended services regularly since I can remember, I've read all the relevant texts, I've been doing volunteer work since age five, I've kept myself clean and proper, and I've got a 3.87 GPA.

RANDY
Very impressive. What did you get a B in?

GREG
Phys-ed.

RANDY
Good man. Well, I've been taking a look at your résumé here, and it looks pretty solid.

GREG
Thanks!

RANDY
I've also taken the liberty of contacting some of your references, and they've all given you glowing reviews. Mrs. Henderson in particular was very sorry to hear of your transfer - she said that she'd never known a young man to show quite so much interest in her cats before.

GREG
Yes, well, I have to hand it to Mrs. Henderson - she certainly knows how to separate the men from the boys, decency-wise.

RANDY
Um, could you run that by me again?

GREG
Sorry - I meant that she spent so much time talking about her cats that only a really patient person could tolerate it, I think.

RANDY
Ah, I see. So you, uh, tolerated it?

GREG
Oh yes sir - in fact, I went over to her house every day just to keep her company. You see, nobody else could really stand the bitch.

RANDY chokes slightly on his coffee.

RANDY
Well, that was awfully... Charitable of you, I suppose.

GREG
Oh, I should certainly say so. Charity is my middle name. Not literally, 'cause I'm a guy, but, you know...

RANDY
Quite. Now, just a couple more questions, Mr. Clark. Have you ever had any trouble with the law?

GREG
No, sir.

RANDY
Any drug or alcohol problems? Tobacco?

GREG
Heaven forbid.

RANDY
Yes, we do. Let's see... We have a strict dress code here - men have to be neatly groomed, nails kept short, any facial hair must look neat, and no hair below your shoulders. Would you be able to conform to these rules?

GREG
Not a problem.

RANDY
Good, good. So, Mr. Clark. What would you see yourself doing in Heaven?

GREG
(thoughtfully) Well, I suppose I'd spend most of my day basking in the glory and eternal presence of the Lord.

RANDY
And would you be interested in doing this full-time or part-time?

GREG
Full-time.

RANDY
Do you know how to play the harp?

GREG
Of course.

RANDY
Good, good. What about in your time off?

GREG
Pardon?

RANDY
Well, this is Heaven - you're not just basking, you get to enjoy yourself a bit as well. What do you see yourself doing in your "me-time"?

GREG
Well... I hadn't been expecting that. Um...

A few moments pass.

RANDY
Take your time.

GREG
I know.

A few more.

GREG
Can I say "more basking?"

RANDY
God gets tired of you too, you know.

GREG
Right, right.

A few more moments. It gets uncomfortable. Finally -

GREG
Do you have any cats?

RANDY
...Yes, yes we do.

GREG
Lots of cats?

RANDY
More than the Broadway musical. Go on.

GREG
Well, I guess that, if I really had to choose something to do up here other than honor and praise the Lord and soak up his glory, what I'd really want to do is... *groans* Oh, it's embarrassing!

RANDY
Oh, come on, you can tell me, it's alright!

GREG
(coyly) No, you'll judge me!

RANDY
No I won't! This is Heaven, we're all about the happiness!

GREG
Well... You sure?

RANDY
I'm sure.

GREG
Pinky swear?

RANDY
With relish.

They lock pinkies, shake, and let go.

GREG
Well, ok. What I really, really want to do is take a kitty-cat, a really adorable one, you know? The kind that warms your heart just by being there?

RANDY
(getting into it) Mhm!

GREG
I wanna take it up into my arms, cuddle up with it, real warm-like-

RANDY
Oh that is so cu -

GREG
and then snap its little neck.

RANDY sits there, processing.

RANDY
Come again?

GREG
Mhm! I just want to take it and twist its little head right off. Like a bottle cap. Or maybe take it slow - take the time to really let the mewls sink in. Well, either way, I'd like to get, say, ten kittens, per day, and just do that. And maybe send their little kitty corpses over to Mrs. Henderson. Say, would the cats come from Earth? Or would they be dead already? And if they are, would it be ok if I went down myself and got some live ones? Maybe I could be someone's guardian angel or something and pick up cats here and there on the side, you know?

RANDY
Um, that's... An option we could, uh, explore... But, uh, it might be a little... Difficult to get the, you know, paper-work done on that. Is there anything else you might see yourself doing in the mean-time?

GREG
Well... You know, now that I think about it, not really. I mean, I can understand how that kind of thing might seem a little unorthodox, sure, but... It's just that... I think about it, right? Taking this kitten and snapping their - oh my god, you thought  I was talking about masturbation, weren't you? You know, kitten-killing?

RANDY
Actually, no, but that would be another option -

GREG
Oh, no, I'm so sorry, I was talking about actually snapping kittens' necks! No innuendo there! (chuckles)  I'm sorry, you must have thought I was some sort of pervert!

RANDY
No, I actually thought you were referring to the violent act. But if you WANT to spend your free time like that, we do have a nice range of hand lotions I could recommend -

GREG
No-no, it's fine, I really like this whole actual-kitten idea. You know, it's a good thing you brought it up; I'd never really thought I had this sort of side to myself, and it's kind of liberating.

RANDY
I brought up...?

GREG
'Cause you see, I've spent so much time being a good person just to get here that, now that I'm finally here, I think I deserve to actually do the things that make me happy, you know?

RANDY
And killing cute, defenseless little animals would make you truly happy?

GREG
(emphatically, with delight) Yes! You know, it really, really would!

RANDY Spends a second looking flabbergasted. Eventually, he snaps back to his professional persona and makes the sort of face that says "Hm - that's a unique idea, we might have to try it."

RANDY
Well, alrighty then, I'll forward that to the big guy. Is there anything else you'd like to add?

GREG
No, just that this has been really great!

RANDY
Well, that about wraps us up, then, Mr. Clark.

RANDY gets up, as does GREG, and they shake hands again.

GREG
Thank you very much for the interview, Mr. Munroe! It was a a pleasure talking to you! I feel like I've already begun achieving inner peace!

RANDY
Nice meeting you, Mr. Clark. You'll get a call in a few weeks. I hope to see you around!

GREG
You too!

RANDY is moving the conversation swiftly out the door; he almost pushes GREG out.

RANDY
Goodbye!

GREG
(off-stage) Bye!

RANDY, still smiling, shuts the door behind GREG. Once it is closed, he turns around, sits on his desk, pulls out a PACK OF SMOKES and a LIGHTER, lights up, and then rubs his face. While he's doing this, we hear the following off-stage:

DORIS
So, how'd it go?

GREG
I think he liked me!

DORIS
Really now? Oh, that's so nice!

RANDY slumps visibly on his desk, exhausted.

RANDY
Oi vey...