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Description
I can’t tell what drove me that day,
When I sat behind the wheel.

I left work,
Another day down the tubes
Drove fast, just like before
I was quite in control
Radio - music, but nothing good on
Push the button and scan

At first I passed it, then something made me come back
- Your song. The one I heard so many times
it was always on when I was thinking of you

And the memory rushed me
Like the rain rushing down on the car
Rinsing the dust that had scabbed on my heart –
Exposing – to bleed me anew
All my wounds and my scars, all laid bare.

Like a flash flood it swept me, quickly losing control
Faster, faster, sliding over the road
Taking corners too fast, over the median
Eyes open wide,
My quickened pace
With a grin on my face
Tearing at me from inside

Snap back to reality
Coming up on the turn
Going just way too fast
80 over the limit
Know now I will lose it -
I’ve come so close in the past
But I never did learn -
I fly out of reality

Time slows down
My heart beat
Steering-wheel shaking
Off of the road.
Brakes squealing,
Twist the wheel back.
Quiet,
Nothing,
No turning back.

Spinning around,
Got my front to my back
Sideways through oncoming lanes
Hope no one is there.
Drop off,
Horror,
Floating feather of terror,
Coming down swift as an ax.
The cracking of branches,
The snapping of limbs –
Quiet sounds all around me,
Seem so far away –
Drowned by my heartbeat,
Chased away by my hopes.
Then a thud – that’s a tree trunk
Smashing right through my car
Violence,
My head hits the pillar
Crack, thud, and I’m gone.

I return then, to see me -
Hands still on the wheel.
Warning lights blinking,
Stupid chime going off.
Steam rising out of the entrails
Where the hood used to be.
What is left of the headlights
Light a path into the sky.
Gasoline all around me.

A fire.
“I can’t burn to my death”
Ignition goes off and the lights follow it out.
Quiet,
So quiet,
Only the hiss of the steam.
Possessed in the dark, I don’t panic

Calm
Every movement - quick and precise,
Release the seatbelt – like I’d done many times
Pull the handle to push open the door,
What little movement, is blocked.

Try again,
Albeit gently, not wanting to dent the door –
Nothing,

The passenger door.
Try once -
The handle moves, but the door is smashed shut.

Relax
Inhale the fumes,
This is death?
This is how it all ends?
No.

Reach for the key,
To find myself shaking.
I’m calm.
Is this body not mine?

Go on
Turn the key.
Pray not to explode.
Silence,
Click,
And then…
Nothing.

Try again.
Click,
The engine looses a scream…
And refuses to turn.

With the lights on,
I’m afraid that I’ll burn.

This button.
The window rolls down.

Reach for the key,
But hesitate.

Look and see it.
There,
On the passenger door,

The flashlight.
Our camp-out,
Two weeks ago.
Feel your warmth,
Still on the grip.

The engine is killed.
The flashlight is lit -
Click,
Nothing happens.

Only the hiss,
Of the rain boiled alive.

This is as far as you’ll get me?
This, is the end of your love?

Try again.

Light is on,
barely bleakly.
A dim beam warms my way out.

Fall out the window,
Caught by broken arms of the branches –
Same ones I had broken…
Scramble and run,
The escape of my crime.

But I’m tired,
afraid,
growing aware of my pain.
Scrambling out of the woods and
Up, up the ditch.

Onto the road and the pavement
Terra firma under my feet,
sink to my knees.
the asphalt pierces me to the bone,
so good and familiar,
like the last hug you gave.

I remember,
As a child I would fall off my bike,
And skin my young knees…

Sacrifice my hands to the pavement,
Surrender my palms to the glass,
Welcome back, my old friend.
Nice to see you again.

I am tired, my friend.
Let me lay my cheek
Within your burning hearth of pain.
Let me sleep within the agony
To lie, eyes drooping,
Drooping,
Dropping into death.

As distant lights approach me,
Quiet, ghostly men,
Who ask in whispered shouts,
If I’m okay.

Alright,
I whisper,
Not to them.
To you, my love.
It’s been a long,
Long night…

Description
I can’t tell what drove me that day,
When I sat behind the wheel.

I left work,
Another day down the tubes
Drove fast, just like before
I was quite in control
Radio - music, but nothing good on
Push the button and scan

At first I passed it, then something made me come back
- Your song. The one I heard so many times
it was always on when I was thinking of you

And the memory rushed me
Like the rain rushing down on the car
Rinsing the dust that had scabbed on my heart –
Exposing – to bleed me anew
All my wounds and my scars, all laid bare.

Like a flash flood it swept me, quickly losing control
Faster, faster, sliding over the road
Taking corners too fast, over the median
Eyes open wide,
My quickened pace
With a grin on my face
Tearing at me from inside

Snap back to reality
Coming up on the turn
Going just way too fast
80 over the limit
Know now I will lose it -
I’ve come so close in the past
But I never did learn -
I fly out of reality

Time slows down
My heart beat
Steering-wheel shaking
Off of the road.
Brakes squealing,
Twist the wheel back.
Quiet,
Nothing,
No turning back.

Spinning around,
Got my front to my back
Sideways through oncoming lanes
Hope no one is there.
Drop off,
Horror,
Floating feather of terror,
Coming down swift as an ax.
The cracking of branches,
The snapping of limbs –
Quiet sounds all around me,
Seem so far away –
Drowned by my heartbeat,
Chased away by my hopes.
Then a thud – that’s a tree trunk
Smashing right through my car
Violence,
My head hits the pillar
Crack, thud, and I’m gone.

I return then, to see me -
Hands still on the wheel.
Warning lights blinking,
Stupid chime going off.
Steam rising out of the entrails
Where the hood used to be.
What is left of the headlights
Light a path into the sky.
Gasoline all around me.

A fire.
“I can’t burn to my death”
Ignition goes off and the lights follow it out.
Quiet,
So quiet,
Only the hiss of the steam.
Possessed in the dark, I don’t panic

Calm
Every movement - quick and precise,
Release the seatbelt – like I’d done many times
Pull the handle to push open the door,
What little movement, is blocked.

Try again,
Albeit gently, not wanting to dent the door –
Nothing,

The passenger door.
Try once -
The handle moves, but the door is smashed shut.

Relax
Inhale the fumes,
This is death?
This is how it all ends?
No.

Reach for the key,
To find myself shaking.
I’m calm.
Is this body not mine?

Go on
Turn the key.
Pray not to explode.
Silence,
Click,
And then…
Nothing.

Try again.
Click,
The engine looses a scream…
And refuses to turn.

With the lights on,
I’m afraid that I’ll burn.

This button.
The window rolls down.

Reach for the key,
But hesitate.

Look and see it.
There,
On the passenger door,

The flashlight.
Our camp-out,
Two weeks ago.
Feel your warmth,
Still on the grip.

The engine is killed.
The flashlight is lit -
Click,
Nothing happens.

Only the hiss,
Of the rain boiled alive.

This is as far as you’ll get me?
This, is the end of your love?

Try again.

Light is on,
barely bleakly.
A dim beam warms my way out.

Fall out the window,
Caught by broken arms of the branches –
Same ones I had broken…
Scramble and run,
The escape of my crime.

But I’m tired,
afraid,
growing aware of my pain.
Scrambling out of the woods and
Up, up the ditch.

Onto the road and the pavement
Terra firma under my feet,
sink to my knees.
the asphalt pierces me to the bone,
so good and familiar,
like the last hug you gave.

I remember,
As a child I would fall off my bike,
And skin my young knees…

Sacrifice my hands to the pavement,
Surrender my palms to the glass,
Welcome back, my old friend.
Nice to see you again.

I am tired, my friend.
Let me lay my cheek
Within your burning hearth of pain.
Let me sleep within the agony
To lie, eyes drooping,
Drooping,
Dropping into death.

As distant lights approach me,
Quiet, ghostly men,
Who ask in whispered shouts,
If I’m okay.

Alright,
I whisper,
Not to them.
To you, my love.
It’s been a long,
Long night…