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Nephele99 — Remaking Time
by-nc-nd
#god #poem #faith #time
Published: 2019-01-10 02:21:33 +0000 UTC; Views: 549; Favourites: 50; Downloads: 0
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Description
I close my weary eyes and wonder, dare I dream?Should I escape in the oasis of a realm
That's filled with wondrous lies? Or should I scream
And shatter the obscuring blinds? As in the real
I shake the numbness of my limbs and still
I dare to feel.
In my dry bones I find no power as I kneel
And try forsaking the dreams which I broke
Of living in a world I dared invoke.
I beg to have the power that I sorely craved
Wrenched violently, as from the enslaved
I am still saved.
And who, upon your loving sight, to look has braved?
While kneeling, as your greatly wondrous might
Would make the fiercest statue run in fright?
And as your light would make my braking shadow shine
I pray for liberation, and incline
To Your Divine.
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Comments: 5
For someone who isn't native English speaker this is amazingly well-written and you've managed to convey a sense of despair and doom of someone who's struggling to survive in the real world but doesn't want to experience the lies provided by dreams.
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I like the first paragraph and I can identify with it. The other two paragraphs, I find too difficult to decipher their true meaning, and find them somewhat enigmatic. But this may be because it's only my first impression and read the poem in a hurry to get the gist of it. I'll read it again, slowly, when I am less hurried.
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Hello! I found your post through
So first off, I want to say that, as a tentative atheist, I appreciate how accurate but subtle the religious imagery is, from the kneeling in prayer to using "Your Divine" in place of just "God," and how this piece is all about giving a tired and weakened self over to someone stronger to let you rest. In or out of a faith, that's a really relatable feeling, and that applicability is something I really admire.
I like the slant rhymes you've got going on here (which are words that only partially rhyme with each other) and I encourage you to work more of them into other poems you might do! It more often than not gives a piece a smoother flow. Honestly, and I say this as a college-level poetry scholar, the main rookie mistake I see in poets is people thinking that perfect rhymes at the end of lines is the most important part of what makes a poem a poem. You're already past that point I think, but I figured it's worth it to say anyway.
Also, for a non-native English speaker, this reads really easily, except for that one phrase, "to look has braved." There's no one way to fix it, I'm sure, but I can't really offer suggestions since I'm not sure how to figure out exactly what you're trying to get across there. 
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A very impressive poem, especially for a non-native English speaker! It really inspires me to reflect on myself and the significance between reality vs. dreams. Good job!
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