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pullingcandy β€” For Your Consideration
Published: 2010-09-25 22:17:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 16786; Favourites: 413; Downloads: 890
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Description Consider this:
We're going to go on a date, nothing fancy. Perhaps a burger and movie. Afterwards, I will let you walk me home, or vice-versa. There will be no touching, we will remain as pure as driven snow for this night, this glorious evening which will consist of red checker table cloths, Italian food (we nixed the burger idea, or we will at any rate. Linguini with mushrooms and white wine sauce is a little more elegant, wouldn't you say? Lady and the Tramp, they knew where it was at - we'll just push it up a notch) and coffee, followed by an action movie, any action movie, any movie will do. Consider that.



Rewind:
We met in a cloudy bar, at the end of June. You had bedroom eyes, and I was convinced I had bedroom hair. I spent two hours getting ready for this night, I was fashionably in disarray. You probably spent 15 seconds getting ready, perhaps going out was a split second decision after gorging on pizza or whatever it is you males do in private on a Friday evening, football, beer, fast food. You're a mess, with ripped jeans and a tattered shirt, but you are tantalizing and I decide right then and there that after my sixth (eleventh) drink I will approach you and insist that you take me home. I get sick after my third vodka (straight up, I'm proving a point) and call a taxi. I am destitute. I will never see my smoky Romeo ever again. This is all encompassing for about three hours, for that is how long it takes me to fall asleep, even though the world is still spinning. I will never order a triple anything again.



Fast Forward:
As I shave, my morning ritual for the last twenty six years while you pin your hair back and apply mascara and purse your lips in to the mirror, I watch you counting gray hair, as you have for the last six years. Our children are grown and gone, something that I'm sure we both never thought we'd see. The big house is empty, emotionless. You hired a maid on limited funds and she ended up staying for love of the kids, but now she has nothing to do and spends her afternoons playing solitaire in the dining room. I can't understand your fascination with your temples, as you rub them in circular motions and mutter about age spots, stress lines, smile creases. I feel a heavy weight in my stomach as I watch you complete your morning routine (or should I say, mourning). I wish we were 25 again, whenΒ Β you were confident and glowing, and I was a vagabond out to steal your heart from the moment I laid eyes on you in that musty bar. I had no idea we would come this far, no idea you would make me fall in love. Do I have regrets? Do I wish I had found another woman, one not quite so absorbed in her own aging process? No. How was I to know it would come down to this.



The Present:
My mom and dad are the greatest people I have ever known. Sure, I'm only twelve, but whenever I can, I make my mom tell me the 'Story of How My Parents Met.' She always gets this dreamy, far off look in her eyes and leans back in to her chair, sighing, clutching her heart.
"Your father," she would start, "Was a rascal if I ever saw one."
When I grow up, I want to marry a rascal. I want to take hours to get ready for a night out, I want to propose a date out of the blue because I lost track of my undisputed embodiment of maleness (this is what she called him, and still does, when he's not patting his belly, which hangs a little lower than it used to) in a haze of alcohol and smoke, and then come across him barely a week later at the train station on Sixth. I want to change plans, have a small wedding, have three children in three years, and hold hands underneath the sycamore tree in my backyard every night of my married life, with the man I love. I will proclaim that I indeed tamed him, look at this, I managed to capture him and keep him, and how well he behaves in public now; just like my Mom. She says that if she ever did anything right in her life, it was to go out that night, to the bar. I believe her. My parents are the best match in the world.



Consider this:
Two days before the scene in the bar, before the nervous drinks and the drunken stupor, you go to a Chinese food restaurant. You order some Chow Mein, and it comes with a cookie. Inside of the cookie is a slip of paper, delicately creased and smelling sweetly of the lemon baked in to the crunchy shell of it's prison. You pull it out, spread it flat on to the table, and chuckle to yourself, for it doesn't tell you a very decent fortune. It tells you to be wary of strangers. Why, you're always wary of strangers! Your mother taught you that from the day you were born, and you've never seen yourself kidnapped. What do you think of that, little cookie? You pay the bill, check the time, and try out your new saunter past a table full of construction workers on your way to the door.
Your mind wanders as you consider what you will wear on Friday: it's girls night out, and you want to look your best.

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Comments: 249

SephiX22 In reply to ??? [2010-10-16 00:09:12 +0000 UTC]

well then!

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masvida In reply to ??? [2010-10-12 23:43:33 +0000 UTC]

I like your writing =]

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pullingcandy In reply to masvida [2010-10-13 04:15:16 +0000 UTC]

I like your comment =]

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masvida In reply to pullingcandy [2010-10-13 12:34:38 +0000 UTC]

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IReallyWannaKnow In reply to ??? [2010-10-12 23:36:20 +0000 UTC]

I really like the idea behind this! The whole thing grabbed and kept my attention very well. And congrats on the DD, it is well deserved.

One thing I noticed that might or might not be something to consider in your future writing: there was no outstanding shift in voice, syntax, style, or diction from one person to the other. From my understanding, the first two segments are from the perspective of the same person. But I was confused on the third, expecting the narrator to be the same person, but come to find out there's a shift. I think it would have been great if you changed up the voice a bit and made him narrate differently (which is a very hard thing to master!), because men and women speak/write differently and notice different things when they observe something and also describe things in different ways. Honestly I'm not very good at doing this myself yet but I would love to see you incorporate that into your writing.

I could tell there was a little bit of a change in voice when the child narrated but that'd be great if you could make it even moreso her own, unique, childlike voice.

Anyway, I'm dragging on, you did a great job, and I really enjoyed reading this!

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pullingcandy In reply to IReallyWannaKnow [2010-10-13 14:48:33 +0000 UTC]

Thank you kindly for your comment!

I appreciate you pointing out the voice thing..it was something I had been struggling with and honestly, I had no idea my writing would ever get a DD, and therefore I did not ever come back when I said I would to rework what's on my computer in to my online snippets...I am actually regretting that right about now

This is not a finalized draft and it's part of a bigger, broader book scheme and now, somewhere nowhere near here, there is a fourth edition of this story that actually worked a lot of what you've suggested in to it that maybe I should upload at some point in time to HERE because I agree with your suggestions 100%. I knew there was some touchy points with their speaking voices and how they didn't mesh and flow in to their own paragraphs with their own touch; at the time I believe the author's comments were the driving force behind that, as I envisioned this entire scenario to be lived out by the reader who would be contemplating someone elses life, but eventually it didn't work and I reworked it...everywhere but here.

Thank you so much for taking the time to suggest this stuff though. I'm still finding a foothold, a niche, a style for myself. It's a lot harder then people make it out to be. I envy those people who just pick up a pen and fall in to their groove But I'm working on it. Thank you once more.

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IReallyWannaKnow In reply to pullingcandy [2010-10-14 03:58:13 +0000 UTC]

My pleasure! I'm hoping by analyzing other writing I'll become a better writer myself, especially writing that's already better than my own, such as yours.

And I see what you mean about reworking your writing. I'm kind of notorious for changing, changing, changing and many times I'll forget to update on dA as well.

Once again, congrats!

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pullingcandy In reply to IReallyWannaKnow [2010-10-14 16:40:49 +0000 UTC]

Exactly;
Once you upload something here it tends to be remembered about but never really touched again, though I go through revisions like wildfire in wordpad, I never bring them to light HERE. I suck, I know, but I'm new to this writing thing

I wouldn't say my writing is better than someone elses though, truly I am just figuring out how to punctuate properly (maybe, sometimes...not at all) so I can't really put myself above anybody else at all, and you shouldn't either! I'm sure you're just fine at what you do.

It's a good strategy to analyze others work and apply that to your own though, I am going to have to try that one out!

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KataraBri In reply to ??? [2010-10-12 23:14:41 +0000 UTC]

This is incredible!! I love it!! <3333 it reminds me of 13 reasons why. But I'm not sure why...

AMAZING~!

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pullingcandy In reply to KataraBri [2010-10-13 04:16:08 +0000 UTC]

I'm not familiar with 13 Reasons Why..but thank you!

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Jade-Pandora In reply to ??? [2010-10-12 23:03:12 +0000 UTC]

Sorry, I can hardly see what I'm typing... let me try that again...



Congratulations!

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pullingcandy In reply to Jade-Pandora [2010-10-13 04:15:45 +0000 UTC]

-giggle- Thank you!

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Jade-Pandora In reply to pullingcandy [2010-10-13 09:28:18 +0000 UTC]

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Jade-Pandora In reply to ??? [2010-10-12 23:01:51 +0000 UTC]

:cla: Congratulatinos!

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pullingcandy In reply to Jade-Pandora [2010-10-13 04:15:51 +0000 UTC]

Fank j00 <3

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Jade-Pandora In reply to pullingcandy [2010-10-13 09:26:52 +0000 UTC]

okay foony geye <3

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pullingcandy In reply to Jade-Pandora [2010-10-13 14:33:24 +0000 UTC]

*blink* I will give you this <3 <- heart but I have no idea what foony geye is and it's driving me crazy.

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Jade-Pandora In reply to pullingcandy [2010-10-14 04:51:03 +0000 UTC]

You mean you didn't google the translation? ooooh for a little while, I felt the twisted pleasure of what I said making you a little crazy... aaahhh.

but all I was saying in a kooky way was - funny guy.

and thank you for the <3!

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pullingcandy In reply to Jade-Pandora [2010-10-14 15:45:17 +0000 UTC]

I did not. I felt that was what you were saying but I wasn't sure so I asked...assumptions have the 'ass' word in them, I didn't want to assume you were hitting on me! !

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Jade-Pandora In reply to pullingcandy [2010-10-14 17:39:27 +0000 UTC]

*gasps* I would never hit on you - that would be pretty pree-zump-chew-us of me!

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pullingcandy In reply to Jade-Pandora [2010-10-14 21:37:31 +0000 UTC]

Do ewe think? Belief me! I would be flattened!

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Jade-Pandora In reply to pullingcandy [2010-10-16 07:26:27 +0000 UTC]

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loselips-sinkships In reply to ??? [2010-10-12 23:00:06 +0000 UTC]

I didn't understand this at first, but then when it got to the end, it started to become more clear. I love the point of views that you used and the story line quote touched me.

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pullingcandy In reply to loselips-sinkships [2010-10-13 04:16:17 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very much

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WormandaDuck In reply to ??? [2010-10-12 22:49:06 +0000 UTC]

This is really good!

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pullingcandy In reply to WormandaDuck [2010-10-13 00:23:48 +0000 UTC]

Thank you

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WormandaDuck In reply to pullingcandy [2010-10-13 00:34:56 +0000 UTC]

Not a problem!

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Sepulchral-Roses In reply to ??? [2010-10-12 22:27:34 +0000 UTC]

This is amazing.

Almost as amazing as you are.

Almost. Nothing ever quite gets to that level.

.

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pullingcandy In reply to Sepulchral-Roses [2010-10-12 22:32:51 +0000 UTC]

Yes I am pretty amazing. *assumes the Kingly stance of the self righteous*

Thank you sweety

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Sepulchral-Roses In reply to pullingcandy [2010-10-12 22:51:16 +0000 UTC]

*Inspirational music and dramatic wind spring up, and your cape begins to flutter behind you in magnificence*

You're welcome!

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Annabellan1 In reply to ??? [2010-10-12 22:18:47 +0000 UTC]

I like the wording.

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pullingcandy In reply to Annabellan1 [2010-10-12 22:25:47 +0000 UTC]

And I am glad you do.

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Annabellan1 In reply to Annabellan1 [2010-10-12 22:20:32 +0000 UTC]

Like I mean you worded it perfectly. I do a little bit of writing but this is great.

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pullingcandy In reply to Annabellan1 [2010-10-12 22:26:39 +0000 UTC]

Again, thank you so much

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Annabellan1 In reply to pullingcandy [2010-10-12 23:09:47 +0000 UTC]

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DearestSamantha In reply to ??? [2010-10-12 21:44:53 +0000 UTC]

This is truly beautiful.
I know that you have probably received praise on your beautiful way of writing, but I wanted to just let you know that I loved this as well.
And don't worry if you're too busy to respond to my comment, I know you're appreciative.(:
Definitely continue to write, it's never too late.(:

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pullingcandy In reply to DearestSamantha [2010-10-12 22:05:28 +0000 UTC]

Thank you.
It's never too late to start, no. I'm hoping to continue doing it steady, I'm in the process of pretending I can write a book...maybe that will go somewhere, or...maybe not. We'll see

I'm so glad you liked it.
I'm never too busy to respond, ever.
And I am appreciative.
Thank you so much.

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DearestSamantha In reply to pullingcandy [2010-10-15 16:39:51 +0000 UTC]

I'm sure it will.
And you're welcome! ^^

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Pumpkin-2-Face [2010-10-12 21:42:55 +0000 UTC]

That was crazy incredible. I had to read it twice to make sure I got it all in. Really really good

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pullingcandy In reply to Pumpkin-2-Face [2010-10-12 22:05:47 +0000 UTC]

Yay twice I'm glad you enjoyed.

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Sicvitaest69 In reply to ??? [2010-10-12 21:42:48 +0000 UTC]

truly amazing...I really don't know what came over me to read this, I guess it was intriguing at first glance and I'm so glad that I did... It has a meaningfull idea with an edge and yet the main caracters can be just about anyone you know... thoughts just flow...

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pullingcandy In reply to Sicvitaest69 [2010-10-12 22:05:40 +0000 UTC]

I'm glad you enjoyed it, truly.
You're right, it could be anybody ^_^

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r3stl3ss-orange In reply to ??? [2010-10-12 21:40:42 +0000 UTC]

Ah love XD
Its a fairy tale for me though.
I liked it.

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pullingcandy In reply to r3stl3ss-orange [2010-10-12 22:05:55 +0000 UTC]

Love is a fairy tale.
Thank you

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SoniaBudner In reply to ??? [2010-10-12 21:03:35 +0000 UTC]

First of all - congratulations on DD. It was very well deserved.
Actually, you just put me out of my little misery here, sitting crouched and trying to fit all the homework in one night, wondering at the hopelessness of this world. So thank you
Beautiful style, you have.

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pullingcandy In reply to SoniaBudner [2010-10-12 21:04:21 +0000 UTC]

I thank you kindly for your sweet comment. I'm still developing my style, so I'm appreciative that you enjoyed it
I'm sorry you have to do homework though

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SoniaBudner In reply to pullingcandy [2010-10-12 21:19:54 +0000 UTC]

Well, my pleasure, really
I think your style is very good already. I mean, reading this piece, you wouldn't think it trivial. I only saw the preview and since it captured my attention there must have been something in it.
I was surprised to see that the order of things, happening one after another, was broken here. I think it is a fantastic work you did, because the story/the moments/ is not boring even though it's about ordinary life. It'd still be great if you hadn't 'mixed' the timeline, because simply your style is interesting.
Plus, you used second person singular narrator (sorry, I'm in the midsts of analysing Spanish poems) so it applies to us all, which, frankly, we all want to experience every once in a while.
Yes, so... Again thumbs-up for your great work and I'll be sure to read more of your writing come tomorrow

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pullingcandy In reply to SoniaBudner [2010-10-12 21:28:25 +0000 UTC]

Well thank you once more I'm glad that it is coming along nicely.
Honestly, I don't prefer this piece to show how I write as a few of my others which are hanging around somewhere, but it does show growth and structural changes that come from practice - I suppose my short stories are like a timeline for how I am progressing as a writer, in a sense. This one isn't as strong as others, but it gives me the fuzzies anyway. Other pieces would show a stronger balance between separation of the stanzas or paragraphs, but this one will always hold a place in my heart (especially now!) because it was experimental, and experimenting is good

I'm glad it didn't seem trivial - nothing in life is, if you look at it from every angle.

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SoniaBudner In reply to pullingcandy [2010-10-12 21:45:02 +0000 UTC]

Yes, that's true

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dragnixcatc In reply to ??? [2010-10-12 20:58:55 +0000 UTC]

I really enjoyed reading this and it was well deserving of a DD I espicially liked the future bit and the present part. They go wonderfully together. This is a definate insta-fav

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