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Description
From my journal dating back a few months to the present:

I am going inside. My female partner waits anxiously outside. She knows there's danger inside yet also knows I must go in if i want to solve the case. Inside, I am transformed into a woman, a voluptuous stylish woman (Groomed Armpit Hair!). I know that it is a ghost of a woman who has combined with me to live again. I return outside and my partner doesn't recognize me. I say to her, "I'm Rick Deckard!" She laughs, dismissively. Finally, I'm able to convince her. She stares wide-eyed.

***

They want me to perform a magick trick. The others, a half dozen or so, have already made various objects disappear. I feel E. is there and awkwardness abounds. [My Power is unstable and unsure when I interact with her. My fears of inadequacy cause me to falter.] Eventually, I relax and hold up a piece of cheese:

"I hold before you what seems to be a simple object, yet is in fact a living creature. Yet this creature is actually a culture, made up of a multitude of microorganisms, all alive, active, and intelligent. Entire lifetimes enacted beyond our physical level to perceive, as we regard this as food, as energy for our own existence.
However, It is a shared experience: the culture rejoices in its game of creating something so tasty, so nutritious, for us to continue our game, as WE rejoice in the eating & defecating of the culture so that one da we shall be consumed, our physical bodies transformed back to the worms, the dirt, the Earth, so that the game continues.'

I pause as two people finish their conversation they were having on top of mine. They apologize.

"Magick has the ability to obscure and confuse the senses; Magick too has the ability to reveal the infinite in the finite."

***

I'm an old man. My joints ache, my bones are fragile. Yet, I am powerful. I stop a group of people from robbing a place. A head severed below the top teeth is there leader. The police take the others but ignore me when I tell them about the head. I scream after them as they drive off. I then sigh and turn to the head saying, "You know, I've never hated you, they just expect me to act that way." The head just stares at me. I imagine that the severed part has a slimy surface like a snail's to bo able to move around like it does.

I'm not so old now. I'm, in fact, in love with a dragon. She's pinkish, serpentine, with squid-like suckers on her body, two arms, and a cylindrical mouth. She is beautiful. I meet her parents: the father is bipedal, has the cylindrical mouth, more triceratops head, wears a beater and shorts. The mother is serpentine and also beautiful. I believe they have the ability to shape-shift into humans, hence they live in human-like habitats. They find the head in their bedroom and tell it that it can live with them if it does what they tell it. The head finds out about itself a deep passion to be a servant. The movie wends with everyone in bliss.

The audience leaves the theatre agreeing that it was a wonderful film, but also wonder why it was billed as a kid's movie...

***

I have a blue line tattooed on my upper lip and one on my lower lip. They regretfully do not connect yet Kris says she can help me out. I also have a circle tattooed on my third eye. A person asks me, "What are you supposed to be? A master of disguise?" Their tone is cynical. I reply in a booming voice, "I AM THE GOD OF SHAPESHIFTING!" I wish to expand on my forehead tatttoo and have an idea in mind, yet I am unable to draw it out.

My father scolds a group of kids my age for being loud. As he walks away a dark-haired girl makes a sneering remark and I become enraged: "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" I yell and bully the group out, realizing one of them was Beau. Later, two kids in black are listening to death metal loudly as they fry an egg. I scream at them as well; I am not very well liked by this group.

A truck is pulled over by the police on a steep hill in the city. One officer talks to the driver as the other sits in the squad car. Suddenly, the car starts to roll backwards. The cop tries to correct the path but ends up crashing into a store front, which turns into a Video Game portal, sending him to a place where some people are being tortured.
One girl, though is a warrior. She sits with her guru. There is a lizard-man coming. He appears and kills the guru and then binds the girl. He forces her to suck her own breast. She is crying. There is a scene-cut as she levels up. When she returns, she is smiling defiantly. She has the upper-hand now and we can hear the Lizard-man whimpering. The perspective changes and she (I) am holding my childhood stuffed animal, "White Bear", knowing the the Lizard-man's essence is in it. I begin slicing it up with scissors, castrating the Lizard-man. Afterward, I see my bear all torn up and I hold it to my chest crying, "I love you, I love you, I'm sorry, I love you!"

***

There is a hallway with many doors. I am afraid of what's behind them. I've heard rumors of Holocaust victims. The hallway begins to fill with blood. The doors open and bloodied corpses begin filing out towards me. My companion is astonished. "Why, they're all the same person!" The bodies begin to form into one colossal being, carrying us with it. The has departed, we have recognized it as a friend. We see a map of the world. We had come from either Antarctica or somewhere off planet. We know entering any of the inhabited world will be dangerous. When we enter a city, the being transform into a street lamp-light. It awaits our safe return.

***

I can suck my own penis, yet it causes me to gag.

***

I am hanging out with Hagan and the circus gang outside of the IMU. Hagan informs me that a clown is coming. In the distance, I see a person with a white-painted face and fake red curly hair. I am terrified of the clown. I run away to a swing-set or a tree and climb in it. I see the clown meet with the group and I pray feverishly that it will not notice me, that it will stay away.
It is the next day, I get a phone call in my car. The voice is that of a sensual woman's. She tells me that she was the clown that had come to visit and was sad she missed me for she had heard so much about me. I apologize for my absence and tell her I'll be at practice tomorrow night.
The path to circus practice is arduous. Snow is at least a foot deep everywhere. Along the way, I run into a man I know. He is financially well off and spends most of his time imbibing various drugs. He insists on coming with me, which causes me to become even slower. I don't think I'll make it to circus practice.

***

I'm sure the lake was there before I met my other, yet maybe it doesn't matter. They happened at the same time.

My other is essentially Gollum. He is, according to someone else, an alternate-future-version-of-my-self's-past-form. His skin is gray, his hair is thin, he's antsy and nervous, yet he is more frightened than anything. We sleep in the same room. One night, he gets up and takes the ringlet off my finger. I have a dream of itching because my finger is twitching. I awake and confront my other. He gives it back, saying he wanted to feel its warmth and love.
We are at the lake. In the lake, floating on the waters are large Victorian houses. The lake's waters are cool and clear, the sand is fine and yellow. The sky, a brilliant azure. We are swimming to one of the houses because a man is there who may be able to help my other. As we swim towards the house I see another and remark to myself, "I remember when it was a daunting task to make it this far! It seemed like a long distance when I first came here. Now, as I'm about to leave, this lake seems tiny." And indeed, the lake felt as if it had a sudden end, as if there was a wall blocking one end.

***

I am in a village leading a horde of zombies. It is daytime and everything is bright and well-colored. Grays, browns, and blues are the predominant scheme with flecks of green from the few trees. I am carrying a large cross which I am using to bash people over the head. I go ahead of the horde and come to a large door. I enter and close it behind me, locking it. I then go into the next room and lock that door behind me. In the room is a man sitting hunched over a desk working on something. I leave that room and lock the door.
I find myself amongst others and I tell them about the zombies. They tell me not to worry explaining the zombies had found jobs in Hollywood. I didn't tell them about the man I saw and was worried he would not be able to make it out of the locked rooms.

***

I'm in a holding cell with another person. The hallway is bright but cramped. We look out and see Potatobug being led to his cell. He has on the most beautiful pants, like a psychedelic mural of the ocean. He's now the other person in my cell and we discuss about escape. We remember to a time we were in this position before: We had made it to the parking ramp but were distracted by a hi-tech car. "We won't do that again," he says. This time we make it outside. I come out before him. The outside is a large forest, vastly tall trees covering the ground in pine needles. I start running up a hill and find my legs are sluggish and heavy. I turn back and see Potatobug exiting the prison. A guard sees him and draws near. I debate about trying to save him, help him at least. I decide to run, or try to run, knowing the guards may very well catch me soon.

***

I am on the Island with rose and bernard and others. They have a nice house, a crazy cool space-age sports car and other accessories. I wonder why I'm running.

***

I'm in a church. There is a box like a confessional booth in the center of the elevated stage. It is called a 'Faith Box'. I really enjoy it in the 'Faith Box'. My father and step-mother see me and wave. Two girls/women sit outside of the 'Faith Box' and practice a mass. They say a line and I know I'm expected to finish the verse. "The kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours, now and forever. Amen." They tell me curtly that those are not the proper reply. They begin the real answer and expect me to learn it, yet I am not listening. I feel secure in my 'Faith Box'.

Potatobug is near me and I am happy. I realize how much of a blessing it is to have him in my life, how wonderful his energy, his spirit, is. I place my arm around him and the love flows.

***

I'm on the Island. Everything has come so far yet it seems as if it's all coming to a head. A group of kids are wandering into the woods and I follow. I am very sneaky, keeping back so they don't see me. They lead me to a cabin and they go inside. I go up to a window yet cannot hear anything. The door unlatches and I dive past a woodpile. I see an individual come out and to my complete surprise and utter horror, the individual is ME! I watch myself sit next to an old lady and then my other changes into Shannon. Ben appears and is questioning the Shannon about something as he walks near the woodpile I'm hiding in. The inside is hollow like a bunker with a sliding door. Ben kneels down and sees me and asks me to step out. The Shannon isn't the Shannon anymore, realizing the form was in bad taste, and assumes another girl's shape. They explain to me the path the children had taken, showing me where they had been over the last five seasons. They explain John Locke was capable of Shapeshifting and creating multiples of himself. Inside the cabin, there are husks of unfinished John Lockes. The girl asks: "What if we cannot escape the Island because there is nothing outside of the Island?" I chuckled at her paranoia and realize I'm back in Iowa City.

I"m dressed in my Shan the She-Man outfit, walking down an alleyway. A side door opens and a large man with two heads and gray skin comes out. He asks me for a light for his cigarette and I hand him a lighter. He asks me about the costume and I tell him its for the circus. He seems to think it is for more than just that.

The President of the United States is a performance artist. He has changed the White House into a giant kaleidoscope with grating ambient noise. I'm dressed in my costume and try to look into the heart of the swirling chaos, but after a moment, I find that I cannot. Yet as soon as I look away, the music and performance ends. I remark about his ability to coincide my reaction with the length of the piece.

I feel I have a new focus with my own art.

Description
From my journal dating back a few months to the present:

I am going inside. My female partner waits anxiously outside. She knows there's danger inside yet also knows I must go in if i want to solve the case. Inside, I am transformed into a woman, a voluptuous stylish woman (Groomed Armpit Hair!). I know that it is a ghost of a woman who has combined with me to live again. I return outside and my partner doesn't recognize me. I say to her, "I'm Rick Deckard!" She laughs, dismissively. Finally, I'm able to convince her. She stares wide-eyed.

***

They want me to perform a magick trick. The others, a half dozen or so, have already made various objects disappear. I feel E. is there and awkwardness abounds. [My Power is unstable and unsure when I interact with her. My fears of inadequacy cause me to falter.] Eventually, I relax and hold up a piece of cheese:

"I hold before you what seems to be a simple object, yet is in fact a living creature. Yet this creature is actually a culture, made up of a multitude of microorganisms, all alive, active, and intelligent. Entire lifetimes enacted beyond our physical level to perceive, as we regard this as food, as energy for our own existence.
However, It is a shared experience: the culture rejoices in its game of creating something so tasty, so nutritious, for us to continue our game, as WE rejoice in the eating & defecating of the culture so that one da we shall be consumed, our physical bodies transformed back to the worms, the dirt, the Earth, so that the game continues.'

I pause as two people finish their conversation they were having on top of mine. They apologize.

"Magick has the ability to obscure and confuse the senses; Magick too has the ability to reveal the infinite in the finite."

***

I'm an old man. My joints ache, my bones are fragile. Yet, I am powerful. I stop a group of people from robbing a place. A head severed below the top teeth is there leader. The police take the others but ignore me when I tell them about the head. I scream after them as they drive off. I then sigh and turn to the head saying, "You know, I've never hated you, they just expect me to act that way." The head just stares at me. I imagine that the severed part has a slimy surface like a snail's to bo able to move around like it does.

I'm not so old now. I'm, in fact, in love with a dragon. She's pinkish, serpentine, with squid-like suckers on her body, two arms, and a cylindrical mouth. She is beautiful. I meet her parents: the father is bipedal, has the cylindrical mouth, more triceratops head, wears a beater and shorts. The mother is serpentine and also beautiful. I believe they have the ability to shape-shift into humans, hence they live in human-like habitats. They find the head in their bedroom and tell it that it can live with them if it does what they tell it. The head finds out about itself a deep passion to be a servant. The movie wends with everyone in bliss.

The audience leaves the theatre agreeing that it was a wonderful film, but also wonder why it was billed as a kid's movie...

***

I have a blue line tattooed on my upper lip and one on my lower lip. They regretfully do not connect yet Kris says she can help me out. I also have a circle tattooed on my third eye. A person asks me, "What are you supposed to be? A master of disguise?" Their tone is cynical. I reply in a booming voice, "I AM THE GOD OF SHAPESHIFTING!" I wish to expand on my forehead tatttoo and have an idea in mind, yet I am unable to draw it out.

My father scolds a group of kids my age for being loud. As he walks away a dark-haired girl makes a sneering remark and I become enraged: "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" I yell and bully the group out, realizing one of them was Beau. Later, two kids in black are listening to death metal loudly as they fry an egg. I scream at them as well; I am not very well liked by this group.

A truck is pulled over by the police on a steep hill in the city. One officer talks to the driver as the other sits in the squad car. Suddenly, the car starts to roll backwards. The cop tries to correct the path but ends up crashing into a store front, which turns into a Video Game portal, sending him to a place where some people are being tortured.
One girl, though is a warrior. She sits with her guru. There is a lizard-man coming. He appears and kills the guru and then binds the girl. He forces her to suck her own breast. She is crying. There is a scene-cut as she levels up. When she returns, she is smiling defiantly. She has the upper-hand now and we can hear the Lizard-man whimpering. The perspective changes and she (I) am holding my childhood stuffed animal, "White Bear", knowing the the Lizard-man's essence is in it. I begin slicing it up with scissors, castrating the Lizard-man. Afterward, I see my bear all torn up and I hold it to my chest crying, "I love you, I love you, I'm sorry, I love you!"

***

There is a hallway with many doors. I am afraid of what's behind them. I've heard rumors of Holocaust victims. The hallway begins to fill with blood. The doors open and bloodied corpses begin filing out towards me. My companion is astonished. "Why, they're all the same person!" The bodies begin to form into one colossal being, carrying us with it. The has departed, we have recognized it as a friend. We see a map of the world. We had come from either Antarctica or somewhere off planet. We know entering any of the inhabited world will be dangerous. When we enter a city, the being transform into a street lamp-light. It awaits our safe return.

***

I can suck my own penis, yet it causes me to gag.

***

I am hanging out with Hagan and the circus gang outside of the IMU. Hagan informs me that a clown is coming. In the distance, I see a person with a white-painted face and fake red curly hair. I am terrified of the clown. I run away to a swing-set or a tree and climb in it. I see the clown meet with the group and I pray feverishly that it will not notice me, that it will stay away.
It is the next day, I get a phone call in my car. The voice is that of a sensual woman's. She tells me that she was the clown that had come to visit and was sad she missed me for she had heard so much about me. I apologize for my absence and tell her I'll be at practice tomorrow night.
The path to circus practice is arduous. Snow is at least a foot deep everywhere. Along the way, I run into a man I know. He is financially well off and spends most of his time imbibing various drugs. He insists on coming with me, which causes me to become even slower. I don't think I'll make it to circus practice.

***

I'm sure the lake was there before I met my other, yet maybe it doesn't matter. They happened at the same time.

My other is essentially Gollum. He is, according to someone else, an alternate-future-version-of-my-self's-past-form. His skin is gray, his hair is thin, he's antsy and nervous, yet he is more frightened than anything. We sleep in the same room. One night, he gets up and takes the ringlet off my finger. I have a dream of itching because my finger is twitching. I awake and confront my other. He gives it back, saying he wanted to feel its warmth and love.
We are at the lake. In the lake, floating on the waters are large Victorian houses. The lake's waters are cool and clear, the sand is fine and yellow. The sky, a brilliant azure. We are swimming to one of the houses because a man is there who may be able to help my other. As we swim towards the house I see another and remark to myself, "I remember when it was a daunting task to make it this far! It seemed like a long distance when I first came here. Now, as I'm about to leave, this lake seems tiny." And indeed, the lake felt as if it had a sudden end, as if there was a wall blocking one end.

***

I am in a village leading a horde of zombies. It is daytime and everything is bright and well-colored. Grays, browns, and blues are the predominant scheme with flecks of green from the few trees. I am carrying a large cross which I am using to bash people over the head. I go ahead of the horde and come to a large door. I enter and close it behind me, locking it. I then go into the next room and lock that door behind me. In the room is a man sitting hunched over a desk working on something. I leave that room and lock the door.
I find myself amongst others and I tell them about the zombies. They tell me not to worry explaining the zombies had found jobs in Hollywood. I didn't tell them about the man I saw and was worried he would not be able to make it out of the locked rooms.

***

I'm in a holding cell with another person. The hallway is bright but cramped. We look out and see Potatobug being led to his cell. He has on the most beautiful pants, like a psychedelic mural of the ocean. He's now the other person in my cell and we discuss about escape. We remember to a time we were in this position before: We had made it to the parking ramp but were distracted by a hi-tech car. "We won't do that again," he says. This time we make it outside. I come out before him. The outside is a large forest, vastly tall trees covering the ground in pine needles. I start running up a hill and find my legs are sluggish and heavy. I turn back and see Potatobug exiting the prison. A guard sees him and draws near. I debate about trying to save him, help him at least. I decide to run, or try to run, knowing the guards may very well catch me soon.

***

I am on the Island with rose and bernard and others. They have a nice house, a crazy cool space-age sports car and other accessories. I wonder why I'm running.

***

I'm in a church. There is a box like a confessional booth in the center of the elevated stage. It is called a 'Faith Box'. I really enjoy it in the 'Faith Box'. My father and step-mother see me and wave. Two girls/women sit outside of the 'Faith Box' and practice a mass. They say a line and I know I'm expected to finish the verse. "The kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours, now and forever. Amen." They tell me curtly that those are not the proper reply. They begin the real answer and expect me to learn it, yet I am not listening. I feel secure in my 'Faith Box'.

Potatobug is near me and I am happy. I realize how much of a blessing it is to have him in my life, how wonderful his energy, his spirit, is. I place my arm around him and the love flows.

***

I'm on the Island. Everything has come so far yet it seems as if it's all coming to a head. A group of kids are wandering into the woods and I follow. I am very sneaky, keeping back so they don't see me. They lead me to a cabin and they go inside. I go up to a window yet cannot hear anything. The door unlatches and I dive past a woodpile. I see an individual come out and to my complete surprise and utter horror, the individual is ME! I watch myself sit next to an old lady and then my other changes into Shannon. Ben appears and is questioning the Shannon about something as he walks near the woodpile I'm hiding in. The inside is hollow like a bunker with a sliding door. Ben kneels down and sees me and asks me to step out. The Shannon isn't the Shannon anymore, realizing the form was in bad taste, and assumes another girl's shape. They explain to me the path the children had taken, showing me where they had been over the last five seasons. They explain John Locke was capable of Shapeshifting and creating multiples of himself. Inside the cabin, there are husks of unfinished John Lockes. The girl asks: "What if we cannot escape the Island because there is nothing outside of the Island?" I chuckled at her paranoia and realize I'm back in Iowa City.

I"m dressed in my Shan the She-Man outfit, walking down an alleyway. A side door opens and a large man with two heads and gray skin comes out. He asks me for a light for his cigarette and I hand him a lighter. He asks me about the costume and I tell him its for the circus. He seems to think it is for more than just that.

The President of the United States is a performance artist. He has changed the White House into a giant kaleidoscope with grating ambient noise. I'm dressed in my costume and try to look into the heart of the swirling chaos, but after a moment, I find that I cannot. Yet as soon as I look away, the music and performance ends. I remark about his ability to coincide my reaction with the length of the piece.

I feel I have a new focus with my own art.