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Sprog — Demonic Potion No.34
Published: 2003-09-30 21:31:17 +0000 UTC; Views: 92; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 6
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Description Demonic Potion

Swirling and whirling,
Round and round,
Mixing and fixing,
The potion that destroys.

So drink the dark liquid,
Let it sooth your throat,
Before the burning starts,
And soaks into your veins.

As it flows through your faster pumping body,
Your screams cut out by the acidic creation,
And turned to a deep gargle.
Your veins burnt from the inside.

I wanted to warn you,
But you seemed so thirsty,
I couldn’t stop you in time.
And now I have to go.

Sorry to leave you,
In your dieing moments,
With those eyes so wide,
Screaming silently for help.
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Comments: 4

xception [2003-10-09 20:47:45 +0000 UTC]

good poem. would make a great song

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

broeknarms [2003-10-08 19:26:17 +0000 UTC]

great mental images come to mind. its not long but you dont leave anything out, it doesnt feel liek its not finished, which can happen alot with shorter pieces. here hopin youll take a swing over to my page and do a bit of readin of my work. id make a link for it but i dont know how.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

themonosandal [2003-10-03 19:16:06 +0000 UTC]

Very good indeed! But in truth I would enjoy a more fluent (?) rythm...
[e.g.
<-.. -.p>
<_ . _ >
<-.. -. .><-...- the>
({-} for a stressed, {.} for a non-stressed, {_} for a long, stressed syllable, and {p} for a (short) pause)
This is how I would depict the rythm, which looses flow (?) in destroys... Intended? I dunno, but I'd preffer it continuous anyway.
___
My offense is unintended, your pardon begged

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

psychicdrone [2003-10-01 05:28:35 +0000 UTC]

ouchy *carefully doesn't touch the poem* this is very good, rather intruguing ^^

👍: 0 ⏩: 0