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look, this is far from how either of us want it from what i can tell
where i'm standing pretty much everything else is the same
the clouds, the stars, the moon and the rain are still wonderful, music is still crucial, people are still arseholes
i'm still here
i've just lost the energy to deal with this anymore, it's been over six weeks, i can't fall apart for another six weeks
so i have had to turn it all off
it's made me bitter, angry and resentful, which is almost certainly not the right thing to be, and absolutely certainly not how i want to feel
but i don't know how else to feel, because i don't know what's going on
at no point have i had a decent explanation, the door has been closed on me
i understand why
i just don't like it (understatement) because my emotional retardedness needed that
and to be prodded every now and then with an "it's ok"
so i fucked up
but if you'd let me explain, you'd understand the full reasons
it was self preservation - i have to eat xmas dinner with that man
i have to let him babysit my daughter
i have to see him outside of work as well as in
i was angry as fuck with him for being an obstacle
i had to be able to dampen my anger down by seeing that he could remove that obstacle
do you see?

i am not making a plea here
i'm afraid i've had to stop caring because the caring was killing me
i won't beg for this to be right anymore
it's all wrong
you can see it
i can see it
begging has got me nowhere
the ball is in your court
it either comes back or it doesn't
i obviously want it to come back
but if it doesn't at what point do i draw the line and say it's never coming back, time to move on?
i've had to do it already, effectively
if it comes back now, i don't know whether i'll say bollocks to it or take it and be happy

i didn't mean to come across so harsh today, i just don't have another way to deal with it
it'll probably be the same until it's sorted, and if it never is then it'll probably be the same for ever
it's not how i want it

sooner you're ready to sort this out the better
xmas is coming

one more thing
email/text/messenger/gmail/phone call
we can no longer sort this out by any of these methods
it's too prone to misunderstanding
face to face
i can't do it any other way
if you're coming to the xmas do it's next week
do you really want it to be like this there?
i'm just gonna get stupidly drunk, puke and pass out somewhere i think
what else is there?