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"I feel like one,
Who treads alone
Some banquet hall deserted,
Whose lights are fled,
Whose garlands dead,
And all but he departed."
~Thomas Moore, Oft in the Stilly Night

confessions of a fool......

loneliness has never been a word i associated with myself...alone, yes, but it was more of a description and a preference and never a feeling. i never felt before. i never was brave enough to delve deep into that emotion. i steered clear of it. i left it well enough alone, afraid that if i let myself go it would be the end of me. afraid that if i let myself go, i would crumble, fall apart and lose all my composure. lose the front and the image that i have built around myself over such a long, long of time...

i was wrong. never did i feel so alone as i did the next day. the first day i realized that it was probably the last time i was going to see her, or even talk to her. hear her voice, hear her laugh, picture her smile, that sparkle in her eyes. i was alone. i am alone and it hurts.

in the past several years of my life, i have gone through it devoid of feelings. longer still, i tried to live without wanting. again, i was afraid that i ever wanted i would get hurt and disappointed. in exchange of that desire, i replaced it with giving. i gave selfishly, not thinking about what i had done to myself. i spent so much time trying to make others laugh, trying to make others happy, trying to make so many other people happy that i never once did give myself a second of thought. i never allowed myself to face that other side of me. i never looked deep into my heart and asked myself what i wanted.

for the first time ever this semester, i did have that want. i wanted her. i wanted to be with her. i wanted to be around her. i wanted to talk to her. hear her voice, console her after long frustrating work days. i wanted to call her all the time. i wanted to spend as much time with her as i possibly could. dreading every day the day when graduation would come. not knowing what would happen afterward. dreading the idea that she would leave. leaving me to once again return to my cold and desolate ways. leaving me to resort to the way i used to be, how i used to be. then i realized how much i had loved her. it wasn't physical, it wasn't sexual, it was just an overwhelming desire and melding with her mind, personality and her. i do not know if she feels the same way, or if she has any idea how difficult and complicated my life had become because of her. the agony i have gone through, the sadness that i have felt. the sadness that wracked all of me that i could neither eat nor sleep. everything reminded me of her, every where i went--from city to city, town to town, shop to shop, i saw her. i saw her name. i heard her voice. her laughter. her uniqueness and her being haunted me where i went. where i go.

i have never felt this strongly about anyone before. never in my life. i used to tease friends who spoke about meeting their soul mates and professing their loves. calling them the fool for allowing such worthless and impractical emotions and feelings wash over them. but now, i realize truly how much of a big fool i was. i am.

i tried to steel myself to these emotions. pretend to myself that it was all a sad obsession and infatuation. in the last few days before christmas, and then the day when she will leave arizona for good, i feel myself return to my jaded ways. return to not wanting, not feeling, not loving. i feel myself returning to the empty husk. the cold and desolate shell of who was once an affectionate and passionate boy. i feel myself unfulfilled and not caring.

each passing minute i question myself if she did feel the same way or if she did share even a slightest bit of how i felt. until she calls me, i will not know. until i am brave, i will never know. it is the biggest regret of my short life, and will always be that nagging regret that will most likely remain with me to the end of my days.

'why? why did i not put myself out there? why did i not try for that, reach out and attempt to show her my love. why was i never brave enough? why was i such a fool....'

it will be a question that will leave a huge part of me empty and unfulfilled. while i do not doubt that i will die happy, i know for sure that i will die with a part of me that will have already been dead. broken hearted, disappointed, alone and perpetually sad...

why do i always give other people advice that work, but never follow them myself? could she have been my soul mate? sadly, I will never know....

i do feel indeed like one who stands alone....