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Have any of you heard of the Legend of the Dragon who resides at Wawel Hill?

You have not? Well, allow me to tell you the tale of-...

Oh, you meant you have? Ah... Well, I’m still telling the tale of the Dragon of Wawel Hill. Now sit down and listen!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

In a far off land, tucked away in a far off corner of the world, was a mystical land of wonders. A Kingdom which reigned on the highest hill, overlooking a fabulous flowing river that carved the land in its path. This place was known as Kraków, the magical land which was also known as the capital of Poland.

None other reigned this land than the marvellous and great King Krakus himself, he was the legendary founder of this grand Kingdom! He made sure his people were safe and he defended them from any impending dangers that lurked beyond the hills.

Unfortunately, he was doing a real rotten job at it because once a month a ravenous Dragon would tear through the land, killing any villagers and city folks that she would encounter along her path of total and absolute destruction! This green scaled beast ate the crops, burned down the houses and destroyed Castle Walls, all for the name of sport. She was relentless! She was terrible! She was unstoppable!

Where was this beast coming from? How could it arrive so punctual every month and ripped the kingdom apart? These were questions that the King thought about long and hard about, and giggled a bit to himself.

Well, one brave knight went out and followed the dragon back to her home and got back to the King with the answer to his burning questions. But the King did not like what he heard.

This beast, this terrible, frightening, green, ravenous beast, she lived in a cave at the foot of Wawel Hill. The Wawel Hill! The very same hill where the kingdom stood proud on top, a dragon lived underneath it. The King had to face facts and admit there’s no stopping the beast.

But one day, it did stop, the dragon halted her reign of terror one day when the king got a marvellous idea! Once a month, before the dragon arrives, they will send a young maiden to the entrance of the cave to be gracefully sacrificed to the beast as a plea to not attack their kingdom. And it worked! Unfortunately, no one liked the plan, but the King didn’t care! He was saving the Kingdom, and everything was working perfectly! Everything was working perfectly for many years. Nothing could go wrong!

....

Until the unthinkable happened!!!!!!!!!

All the villagers suddenly remembered that the King had a daughter! Who they somehow haven’t heard from since the plan was first introduced, how suspicious. But that didn’t matter cause now the villagers had a better idea! A royal sacrifice! The dragoon will certainly leave them alone if she received a royal princess as a sacrifice.

The ultimate sacrifice! Everyone agreed!

Well almost everyone...

But before the villagers could execute their cleverly thought out plan, the King had an even better plan! Give his daughter away as a prize! ... uh... wait a minute-As prize for slaying the dragon once and for all! Anyone who killed the dragon would get his daughter’s hand in marriage! (it was a different time back then, go with it)

The villagers and townsfolks went absolutely crazy! The daughter’s hand in marriage? And all they had to do was slay the dragon? What a steal!

And so countless knights and villagers and city folks and punks who grew up in the tough part of town travelled down to the foot of the hill and stood by the mouth of the cave of the ravenous dragon, ready to strike the dragon down with everything they had!

Unfortunately for the large, diverse and untrained army, when the Dragon emerged from the cave, she didn’t see a threat, she saw a delicious feast before her. And then terror ensued.

The crowd that came to watch the death of the beast only saw the dragon devour each and every helpless fool who stood before the dragon. The swords broke against the scales of the beast, arrows bounced off her head, pitchforks snapped in half against the hide and punches did absolutely nothing. Nothing could scratch this large beasts body. Only blood stained her scaled as she chewed on the delicious weenies that ran around her, helplessly poking her sides.

Once all was said and done, the only proof that an army once stood were discarded pieces of twisted armour and a distended swell of the dragon’s midsection. She yawned proudly and returned back to her cave, ready for next month’s sacrifice.

...

Back at the castle there was an uproar! The king fooled them! He tricked them into sacrificing a hoard of people to the dragon! It was all a farce! They wanted to burn the king alive!

But that’s not what the King wanted to happen. He absolutely believed the Dragon was going to get slain that day but it went absolutely terrible. He pleaded for forgiveness, begged it even. He didn’t mean for this to happen!

But wait, in the back, a young, handsome, marriage worthy cobbler had an idea to kill the dragon once and for all! A plan that was guaranteed to work! His plan was to fill a faux lamp to the brim with sulphur and once the dragon eats the lamb, she’ll explode in a fiery wreckage!

It was a great plan, it couldn’t fail! And yet, the villagers wondered, how can the young boy assure that the sulphur will explode? The cobbler reassured them, it’s sulphur, of course it’s gonna explode!

And so the plan was brought into action! They killed a lamb, emptied it of its guts (ew... wait wasn’t it supposed to fau-), and then stuffed that lamb with sulphur. Once all the preparations were complete, they brought the lamb down to the mouth of the cave and called for the dragon to emerge once again.

And emerge she did, curious with the mysterious call. She already got their sacrifice for the month, and a hefty one at that, what more could they give her? A lamb, apparently! And he looked big too, and lumpy? Regardless, a large, hefty, possibly meaty, lumpy lamb was still a welcome treat for the dragon and she swallowed that lamb with gusto! Delicious!

Or so she pre-emptively though.

Because she felt a strange sensation when she chewed the lamb up, like fires were lit up inside of her. Flames that flowed down her throat and into her gut. That lamb, could it be? Was it... spicy? An extremely painful burp erupted from her gut, burning her insides as it emerged in a scalding heat. It was! Smoke erupted from her maw, her gut enraged with a spicy fury, her throat engulfed in burning pain, it was unbearable! Something had to quench this spiciness that filled her.

The crowd watched the dragon grap her throat in pain and saw the smoke emitting from her mouth. They also observed her not exploding, frustratingly. They stared at the young cobbler, did he really trick them into sacrificing a lamb? What had this lamb done to him? What kind of grudge did this boy hold against the lamb? Huh?

This frightened the cobbler, but he turned back to the dragon and pointed at her, the plan could still work. The dragon was still suffering from the lamb she ate, it’s not over yet!

And indeed it wasn’t, for the spiciness only grew hotter the more the dragon thought of a solution. And then it dawned on her, of course, the solution was staring her right in the face! The river! That’ll certainly ease her pain! She quickly made her way to the river, which was luckily not that far off from the hill. The crowd followed closely behind, unknown to her of their presence.

Once at the river, dragon sighed a smoky sigh of relief as she finally made it to the river. It was the worst and hottest few seconds of her life. Her insides were burning up badly, she couldn’t take it anymore! She crawled to the river and dunked her head and began drinking from the river, desperately trying to quench this fire that burned in her belly.

The curious crowd carefully watched as the dragon began chugging down the river. Could this really be part of the cobbler’s plan? They could only wait and find out. So they did wait, and watch as the dragon filled her gut with the river.

The dragon chugged as much as she could in one breath, emerging to get a fresh breath of air. She gasped, placing a hand on her midsection and noticing the change in size. It had already grown into a sizeable green orb before her. But it didn’t stop her, because the burning was still present and still scalding her insides. She winced and quickly dunked her head again into the river, swallowing gallons of water, desperately trying to ease this pain. Her gut continued to swell larger, pressing down against the ground as more water flowed into it. It bulged out in all sides, pushing the poor dragon away from soothing river.

She gasped once again for air, taking a breather and enjoying the soothing feel of the river inside of her. Unfortunately, it barely lasted a second and she gasped once again as the spicy pain made a ferocious return. She tried to crane her head back into river but her bulging gut didn’t allow her, it stood in the way! She frantically rolled onto her back, her insides burning with the fury of the sun, and she dragged herself to the river, finally resuming her river drinking antics, allowing her belly ample room now to room and bulge out.

The crowd watched in awe, the dragon’s gut was enormous. It was bigger than their fattest cow, in fact it was bigger than their fattest villager, Fat Frank, who didn’t much care for the comparison. Regardless, the gut was huge and it was still growing, towering over the villagers, even from the distance they were watching from. Given the dragon was quite large to begin with but this gut was actually dwarfing her!

And did she care? Of course she did, but she needed to quench this burning sensation that torn within her. She had to keep drinking, she had to soothe this burning fury in her gut, she had to!

And yet her gut couldn’t keep up, it couldn’t push any further, it couldn’t hold it all! It grew as big as it could, it reached as high up as it could, it stretched as far it could. But it can’t keep it. It’s too big, too massive, having grown 5 times the size as before, it was done. It held the river within it, well half the river truthfully. But pressure felt more than that.

The dragon wanted to stop, she couldn’t hold it, she could feel the gut beneath her hands, her claws carefully resting on her frail, stretched skin, the scales pushed far apart from one another, this was it. She had to stop. But flames, they kept burning inside the colossal gut, it kept scalding her throat. Her mouth was submerged in the river and it still ached like never before.

She was ready to emerge from the river, now half its original size, having been drained by the overheated dragon, but something happened. The pain spiked and she winced and gasped, swallowing a mouth full of the river, sending the watery bullet straight to her gut. Pushing it out a little too far. The crowd’s eyes widen as they saw the gut reach for the sky before...

KASPLOOOOOOOOOSH!

In a shuddering explosion, the dragon’s massive gut teared apart, sending water and dragon bits in all direction, peppering the land in what was once the terrifying beast.

In the end, everyone was happy, the princess married a wise cobbler who was knighted after his massive victory. The people cheered and the kingdom finally had peace.

----------------------------------------------------

And that is the honest to god true legend of the Dragon of Wawel Hill!

What? The dragon was actually a man? ... well I guess some stuff got lost in translation.

Oops!

Description
Have any of you heard of the Legend of the Dragon who resides at Wawel Hill?

You have not? Well, allow me to tell you the tale of-...

Oh, you meant you have? Ah... Well, I’m still telling the tale of the Dragon of Wawel Hill. Now sit down and listen!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

In a far off land, tucked away in a far off corner of the world, was a mystical land of wonders. A Kingdom which reigned on the highest hill, overlooking a fabulous flowing river that carved the land in its path. This place was known as Kraków, the magical land which was also known as the capital of Poland.

None other reigned this land than the marvellous and great King Krakus himself, he was the legendary founder of this grand Kingdom! He made sure his people were safe and he defended them from any impending dangers that lurked beyond the hills.

Unfortunately, he was doing a real rotten job at it because once a month a ravenous Dragon would tear through the land, killing any villagers and city folks that she would encounter along her path of total and absolute destruction! This green scaled beast ate the crops, burned down the houses and destroyed Castle Walls, all for the name of sport. She was relentless! She was terrible! She was unstoppable!

Where was this beast coming from? How could it arrive so punctual every month and ripped the kingdom apart? These were questions that the King thought about long and hard about, and giggled a bit to himself.

Well, one brave knight went out and followed the dragon back to her home and got back to the King with the answer to his burning questions. But the King did not like what he heard.

This beast, this terrible, frightening, green, ravenous beast, she lived in a cave at the foot of Wawel Hill. The Wawel Hill! The very same hill where the kingdom stood proud on top, a dragon lived underneath it. The King had to face facts and admit there’s no stopping the beast.

But one day, it did stop, the dragon halted her reign of terror one day when the king got a marvellous idea! Once a month, before the dragon arrives, they will send a young maiden to the entrance of the cave to be gracefully sacrificed to the beast as a plea to not attack their kingdom. And it worked! Unfortunately, no one liked the plan, but the King didn’t care! He was saving the Kingdom, and everything was working perfectly! Everything was working perfectly for many years. Nothing could go wrong!

....

Until the unthinkable happened!!!!!!!!!

All the villagers suddenly remembered that the King had a daughter! Who they somehow haven’t heard from since the plan was first introduced, how suspicious. But that didn’t matter cause now the villagers had a better idea! A royal sacrifice! The dragoon will certainly leave them alone if she received a royal princess as a sacrifice.

The ultimate sacrifice! Everyone agreed!

Well almost everyone...

But before the villagers could execute their cleverly thought out plan, the King had an even better plan! Give his daughter away as a prize! ... uh... wait a minute-As prize for slaying the dragon once and for all! Anyone who killed the dragon would get his daughter’s hand in marriage! (it was a different time back then, go with it)

The villagers and townsfolks went absolutely crazy! The daughter’s hand in marriage? And all they had to do was slay the dragon? What a steal!

And so countless knights and villagers and city folks and punks who grew up in the tough part of town travelled down to the foot of the hill and stood by the mouth of the cave of the ravenous dragon, ready to strike the dragon down with everything they had!

Unfortunately for the large, diverse and untrained army, when the Dragon emerged from the cave, she didn’t see a threat, she saw a delicious feast before her. And then terror ensued.

The crowd that came to watch the death of the beast only saw the dragon devour each and every helpless fool who stood before the dragon. The swords broke against the scales of the beast, arrows bounced off her head, pitchforks snapped in half against the hide and punches did absolutely nothing. Nothing could scratch this large beasts body. Only blood stained her scaled as she chewed on the delicious weenies that ran around her, helplessly poking her sides.

Once all was said and done, the only proof that an army once stood were discarded pieces of twisted armour and a distended swell of the dragon’s midsection. She yawned proudly and returned back to her cave, ready for next month’s sacrifice.

...

Back at the castle there was an uproar! The king fooled them! He tricked them into sacrificing a hoard of people to the dragon! It was all a farce! They wanted to burn the king alive!

But that’s not what the King wanted to happen. He absolutely believed the Dragon was going to get slain that day but it went absolutely terrible. He pleaded for forgiveness, begged it even. He didn’t mean for this to happen!

But wait, in the back, a young, handsome, marriage worthy cobbler had an idea to kill the dragon once and for all! A plan that was guaranteed to work! His plan was to fill a faux lamp to the brim with sulphur and once the dragon eats the lamb, she’ll explode in a fiery wreckage!

It was a great plan, it couldn’t fail! And yet, the villagers wondered, how can the young boy assure that the sulphur will explode? The cobbler reassured them, it’s sulphur, of course it’s gonna explode!

And so the plan was brought into action! They killed a lamb, emptied it of its guts (ew... wait wasn’t it supposed to fau-), and then stuffed that lamb with sulphur. Once all the preparations were complete, they brought the lamb down to the mouth of the cave and called for the dragon to emerge once again.

And emerge she did, curious with the mysterious call. She already got their sacrifice for the month, and a hefty one at that, what more could they give her? A lamb, apparently! And he looked big too, and lumpy? Regardless, a large, hefty, possibly meaty, lumpy lamb was still a welcome treat for the dragon and she swallowed that lamb with gusto! Delicious!

Or so she pre-emptively though.

Because she felt a strange sensation when she chewed the lamb up, like fires were lit up inside of her. Flames that flowed down her throat and into her gut. That lamb, could it be? Was it... spicy? An extremely painful burp erupted from her gut, burning her insides as it emerged in a scalding heat. It was! Smoke erupted from her maw, her gut enraged with a spicy fury, her throat engulfed in burning pain, it was unbearable! Something had to quench this spiciness that filled her.

The crowd watched the dragon grap her throat in pain and saw the smoke emitting from her mouth. They also observed her not exploding, frustratingly. They stared at the young cobbler, did he really trick them into sacrificing a lamb? What had this lamb done to him? What kind of grudge did this boy hold against the lamb? Huh?

This frightened the cobbler, but he turned back to the dragon and pointed at her, the plan could still work. The dragon was still suffering from the lamb she ate, it’s not over yet!

And indeed it wasn’t, for the spiciness only grew hotter the more the dragon thought of a solution. And then it dawned on her, of course, the solution was staring her right in the face! The river! That’ll certainly ease her pain! She quickly made her way to the river, which was luckily not that far off from the hill. The crowd followed closely behind, unknown to her of their presence.

Once at the river, dragon sighed a smoky sigh of relief as she finally made it to the river. It was the worst and hottest few seconds of her life. Her insides were burning up badly, she couldn’t take it anymore! She crawled to the river and dunked her head and began drinking from the river, desperately trying to quench this fire that burned in her belly.

The curious crowd carefully watched as the dragon began chugging down the river. Could this really be part of the cobbler’s plan? They could only wait and find out. So they did wait, and watch as the dragon filled her gut with the river.

The dragon chugged as much as she could in one breath, emerging to get a fresh breath of air. She gasped, placing a hand on her midsection and noticing the change in size. It had already grown into a sizeable green orb before her. But it didn’t stop her, because the burning was still present and still scalding her insides. She winced and quickly dunked her head again into the river, swallowing gallons of water, desperately trying to ease this pain. Her gut continued to swell larger, pressing down against the ground as more water flowed into it. It bulged out in all sides, pushing the poor dragon away from soothing river.

She gasped once again for air, taking a breather and enjoying the soothing feel of the river inside of her. Unfortunately, it barely lasted a second and she gasped once again as the spicy pain made a ferocious return. She tried to crane her head back into river but her bulging gut didn’t allow her, it stood in the way! She frantically rolled onto her back, her insides burning with the fury of the sun, and she dragged herself to the river, finally resuming her river drinking antics, allowing her belly ample room now to room and bulge out.

The crowd watched in awe, the dragon’s gut was enormous. It was bigger than their fattest cow, in fact it was bigger than their fattest villager, Fat Frank, who didn’t much care for the comparison. Regardless, the gut was huge and it was still growing, towering over the villagers, even from the distance they were watching from. Given the dragon was quite large to begin with but this gut was actually dwarfing her!

And did she care? Of course she did, but she needed to quench this burning sensation that torn within her. She had to keep drinking, she had to soothe this burning fury in her gut, she had to!

And yet her gut couldn’t keep up, it couldn’t push any further, it couldn’t hold it all! It grew as big as it could, it reached as high up as it could, it stretched as far it could. But it can’t keep it. It’s too big, too massive, having grown 5 times the size as before, it was done. It held the river within it, well half the river truthfully. But pressure felt more than that.

The dragon wanted to stop, she couldn’t hold it, she could feel the gut beneath her hands, her claws carefully resting on her frail, stretched skin, the scales pushed far apart from one another, this was it. She had to stop. But flames, they kept burning inside the colossal gut, it kept scalding her throat. Her mouth was submerged in the river and it still ached like never before.

She was ready to emerge from the river, now half its original size, having been drained by the overheated dragon, but something happened. The pain spiked and she winced and gasped, swallowing a mouth full of the river, sending the watery bullet straight to her gut. Pushing it out a little too far. The crowd’s eyes widen as they saw the gut reach for the sky before...

KASPLOOOOOOOOOSH!

In a shuddering explosion, the dragon’s massive gut teared apart, sending water and dragon bits in all direction, peppering the land in what was once the terrifying beast.

In the end, everyone was happy, the princess married a wise cobbler who was knighted after his massive victory. The people cheered and the kingdom finally had peace.

----------------------------------------------------

And that is the honest to god true legend of the Dragon of Wawel Hill!

What? The dragon was actually a man? ... well I guess some stuff got lost in translation.

Oops!