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A short play by David Couture

A bare stage.  GUY 1 is standing CENTRE stage.

GUY 2 [entering].  Hey.
GUY 1.  Hello.
GUY 2.  What are you doing?
GUY 1.  I’m watching the burning house.
GUY 2.  What burning house?
GUY 1.  The one that’s offstage.
GUY 2.  It’s offstage?
GUY 1.  What do you see onstage?
GUY 2.  Nothing.
GUY 1.  That’s because it’s offstage.
GUY 2.  Then what’s the point?
GUY 1.  It’s a plot device.
GUY 2.  A what?
GUY 1.  A plot device.  Something introduced to the narrative in order to advance it.  In this case, a burning house.
GUY 2.  Is it working?
GUY 1.  You’re here now.
GUY 2.  Is it a symbol?
GUY 1.  Everything is a symbol.
GUY 2.  I don't get it.

[Pause.]

I don’t think I like this plot device.

GUY 1.  Give it time.  Have a smoke.
GUY 2.  I don't smoke.
GUY 1.  This is my story and in my story you smoke.
GUY 2.  But I don't want to smoke.
GUY 1.  Smoke the goddamn cigarette.

[GUY 2 takes a cigarette from GUY 1 and takes a drag from it.  He chokes and coughs.]

Way to smoke.

GUY 2.  I said I didn't smoke, didn't I?  If smoking is so important, why aren’t you?
GUY 1.  I don't smoke.
GUY 2.  Shouldn't there be firemen here or something?
GUY 1.  We don't have firemen.
GUY 2.  What do we have?
GUY 1.  You.  Me.

[Enter LOVE INTEREST stage RIGHT. ]

Her.

GUY 2.  Who's that?
GUY 1.  The love interest.
GUY 2 [shrugging].  She’s alright.

[Enter DICK stage RIGHT.]

GUY 2.  But why another guy?  We already have two.
GUY 1.  He’s important.
GUY 2.  How's that?
GUY 1.  He's her boyfriend.  He’s also a dick.  Eventually she’ll realize he’s a dick and fall in love with me--who's been by her side all along.
GUY 2.  You don't even know her.
GUY 1.  Of course I do.  This is my story.

[Enter RANDOM stage RIGHT.]

GUY 2.  What about that him?
GUY 1.  He exits stage left and we never see him again.

[Exit RANDOM stage LEFT.  We never see him again.]

GUY 2.  Here she comes.
GUY 1.  How do I look?
GUY 2.  Simian.
GUY 1.  Thank you.

[LOVE INTEREST sniffles.]

Excuse me.

LOVE INTEREST.  Huh?
GUY 1.  Hello.
LOVE INTEREST.  Hello.
GUY 1.  Would you like to feel true love?
LOVE INTEREST.  Excuse me?
GUY 1.  Your boyfriend, for lack of a better term, is a dick.  He will never love you the way you need to be loved.  And you hate smokers, which leaves him [gestures to GUY 2] out as an option.
GUY 2.  You’re an asshole.
GUY 1.  Thank you.
LOVE INTEREST.  Is this a joke?
GUY 1.  No.  But do not fall in love with me straight away.  The sexual tension must be drawn out until our eyes meet under the stars.  Then we kiss, and fade to black.
LOVE INTEREST.  I don't get it.
GUY 1.  That is how romances are done.  Nobody cares about the kiss itself.  [to GUY 2.]  Are you done with that cigarette?
GUY 2.  Almost.
GUY 1 [handing him another].  Welcome to flavour country.

[GUY 2 accepts it with a sigh.]

[DICK approaches.]

DICK.  I saw the look in her eye.  The sway in her hip. The same tired act, the same by-the-book routine.  The sad thing is it worked.  I'm living proof.
LOVE INTEREST.  We were just talking, Rich.
DICK.  Her mouth was moving but the sounds coming out were as meaningless as a politician’s promise.  My head was starting to spin.  Maybe it was time for a drink.  Then again, maybe my head was spinning because it was time to stop drinking.
LOVE INTEREST.  You’re making a scene!  Why do you always make a scene?
DICK.  I felt like my head was in a vice.  Nothing wrong with a little vice.  Bottom’s up.

[He drinks from a flask.]

LOVE INTEREST.  Why are you ignoring me?
DICK.  Of all the regrets in my life, a new one snapped to attention, front and centre.  I needed to pee.  That wasn’t the regret.  The regret was that I had no poetic way of saying it.

[DICK exits stage RIGHT.  LOVE INTEREST cries.   GUY 1 opens his arms.  After a moment, she flings herself violently into them and cries on his shoulder.  Eventually she stops crying and they catch each other’s eyes.  They pause for a moment.]

GUY 1.  Beat.
LOVE INTEREST.  What?
GUY 1.  In dramaturgy, this is called a beat.  It is a division in the scene when two characters make a mutual discovery.  In this case, you have just discovered that I am your true love, and I have discovered that discovery.  And it all happened under silvery moonlight.
GUY 2.  We’re indoors.
GUY 1.  This is my story.
LOVE INTEREST.  I want to kiss you.
GUY 1.  I know.

[They lean in for a kiss.]

GUY 2.  Hey, can I be in your story anyway?
GUY 1.  No.
GUY 2.  Please?
GUY 1.  We are having a moment.
GUY 2.  I can be romantic.
GUY 1.  Shut up.
GUY 2 [to LOVE INTEREST].  Your father must have been a baker, ‘cause you have some hot buns!
LOVE INTEREST.  What.
GUY 1.  What are you doing?
GUY 2.  You must be a ticket, because you have fine written all over you.
LOVE INTEREST.  Uh…
GUY 1.  Stop it!
GUY 2.  Is that a keg in your pants? Because I’d love to tap that ass.
GUY 1 [to LOVE INTEREST].  Excuse me.

[GUY 1 takes GUY 2 aside.]

What in the hell are you doing?

GUY 2.  I want to be in the story.
GUY 1.  You can’t be.
GUY 2.  Why not?
GUY 1.  Because I said you can’t be.  This is my story.
GUY 2.  I’m sick and tired of “your story.”  I want a story.  A cool one.
GUY 1.  You don’t know anything about storytelling.
GUY 2.  Yes I do!  I watch movies all the time.  Like that one a while ago with the pirates in it.  I want a pirate.  No, wait, a pirate wench.  A hot one!

[Enter WENCH stage LEFT.]

Hell yeah!

WENCH.  Ahoy there, sailor.
GUY 1.  Get her out of here.
GUY 2.  No.  I get to boss people around now.
WENCH.  What would you like me to do?
GUY 2 [pointing to LOVE INTEREST].  Give her a sensuous massage.

[WENCH begins to give LOVE INTEREST a massage.  LOVE INTEREST tenses up considerably.]

Aw yeah.

GUY 1.  You are ruining everything.
WENCH [to LOVE INTEREST].  You’re so tense.
LOVE INTEREST.  This is a little uncomfortable.
GUY 2.  Now this story is going places.
GUY 1 [to WENCH].  Hey.  Hey!

[The WENCH takes notice.]

Stop that.

WENCH.  You look tense, too.
GUY 1.  Get out of here.  Go!

[Exit WENCH stage LEFT.]

GUY 2.  I went along with your crappy story.
GUY 1.  My story was not crappy.
GUY 2.  Yeah it was.
GUY 1.  Was not!
GUY 2.  You're just jealous because my story also has a robot in it.

[Enter WENCH stage LEFT with tied rope.]

WENCH.  Reef knot?
GUY 2.  No, not reef knot.  Robot.  You know, like…

[GUY 2 starts doing the robot.  WENCH is evidently confused]

GUY 2.  …Nothing?
GUY 1.  Pirates are from the 18th century, idiot.  At least my story was a story.  Yours is just a pirate.
GUY 2.  She's a robot.

[With encouragement, WENCH starts doing the robot.]

LOVE INTEREST.  Why is she still here?
GUY 1.  This is ridiculous.   [to WENCH] Stop dancing.

[WENCH stops dancing.]

Exit stage left.

[Exit WENCH stage LEFT.]

GUY 2.  Alright, I see how it is.  Beat.
GUY 1.  Beat?
GUY 2.  That's right. Beat.  Your love interest just discovered your horrible secret.

[LOVE INTEREST gasps.]

GUY 1.  I don't have a horrible secret.
GUY 2.  That's not what you told... her sister!
LOVE INTEREST [slapping GUY 1].  You bastard!
GUY 1. Ow!
GUY 2.  Enter Wench, stage left.

[Enter WENCH stage LEFT.]

She runs into the wench's waiting arms.

[LOVE INTEREST runs into WENCH’s arms.]

LOVE INTEREST.  Wait a minute.
GUY 2.  They get married and she forgets about you.
LOVE INTEREST.  Married?
GUY 2.  Exit stage left.

[Exit WENCH and LOVE INTEREST stage LEFT.]

They spend the rest of their days making out and live happily ever after.  The end.

[Lights begin to dim]

GUY 1.  Hey!

[Lights go back up]

What was that for?

GUY 2.  Also, the burning house was your house.  The end.

[Lights begin to dim]

GUY 1 [to lighting booth].   Turn those goddamn lights up.

[Lights go up, quickly]

[to GUY 2] That’s the little game you’re playing, eh?  You slap yourself.

[GUY 2 slaps himself.]

GUY 2.  Ow!  You slap yourself.

[GUY 1 slaps himself.  There is a pause, and then both GUYS roll up their sleeves. Every order is followed by the appropriate action]

GUY 1.  Punch your arm!
GUY 2.  Punch your leg!
GUY 1.  Stub your toe!
GUY 2.  Yank your tie!
GUY 1.  Pull your hair!
GUY 2.  Pluck an eyelash!
GUY 1.  Poke your eye!
GUY 2.  Twist your nipples!
GUY 1.  Twist your nipples!
GUY 2.  Twist harder!
GUY 1.  Run into the wall!

[GUY 2 runs full tilt into the wall.  He falls to the ground, breathing heavily.]

GUY 1 [after a pause].   Do you give up?
GUY 2.  Never.
GUY 1.  Good.
GUY 2.  Good.
GUY 1.  Good!

[Pause.]

GUY 2 [softly].   Good.
GUY 1.  Can I continue now?
LOVE INTEREST [offstage]. No!

[Enter LOVE INTEREST stage LEFT.]

LOVE INTEREST [to GUY 2].  You. Yeah, you.  Who the hell do you think you are?
GUY 2.  What do you mean?
LOVE INTEREST.  What do I mean?  What do I mean?   You said I would live happily ever after.  Ever!
GUY 2.  Well…
LOVE INTEREST [slapping him].  Shut up.  You know what else you said?
GUY 2.  Um…
LOVE INTEREST [slapping him].  Shut up!  You know what you said.  Spend the rest of my days making out?  I barely even know her.  And you know what?  Even if I did, some times, I don’t want to make out.  Sometimes I want to curl up with a good book, or go dancing, or talk to a friend.  Shut up.
GUY 2.  I didn’t…
LOVE INTEREST [slapping him].  Shush!  To think, you wanted me to marry a pirate, too.  Do you realize how little market demand there is for a pirate these days?  How hard it would be to support ourselves?
GUY 2 [mumbling].   She’s a robot.
LOVE INTEREST.  What was that?
GUY 2.  I said sorry.
LOVE INTEREST.  Wench and Rich, re-enter!

[Enter WENCH stage LEFT and DICK stage RIGHT.]

GUY 1.  What are you doing?
DICK.    I re-entered stage left.  The tension was so thick you could get to second base with it.
LOVE INTEREST.  Not now, Richard.
GUY 2.  Hey Richy, dance.
DICK.  I didn’t know where the notion came from.  Dance?  With these flat feet?  The only dance partner I have is Jack Daniels and the only step I know is the Whiskey Waltz.  Which reminded me… it was time to go dance up a storm.
LOVE INTEREST.  You’re not going anywhere.
DICK.  I wasn’t going anywhere.
GUY 1.  This is ridiculous.  We are completely off-track.
LOVE INTEREST.  No, you’re completely off-track, which doesn’t matter.  You had your turns.
GUY 1.  There are no turns.  You are in love with me.
LOVE INTEREST.  No I’m not.
GUY 1.  Then I am supposed to win you back.
LOVE INTEREST.  You won’t.
GUY 1.  You don’t have a choice.

[Beat.]

LOVE INTEREST.  It was a dark and stormy night.
GUY 1.  What are you doing?
LOVE INTERST.  It all began when…
GUY 1.  No.  You have no right…
LOVE INTEREST.  …a group of strangers were invited…
GUY 1.  …to take over what…
LOVE INTEREST.  …to a party on a mysterious…
GUY 1.  …was supposed to be MY…
LOVE INTEREST.  …IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT THE EXITS ARE THERE island.

[Pause.]

Ahem.  It all began.

[Pause.]

Talk about the party!

GUY 2.  This party’s… awesome.
WENCH.  Do you like to party?
LOVE INTEREST.  “This party’s awesome?”  That’s terrible.
WENCH.  I like to party.
LOVE INTEREST.  Ssh! Let’s move on.  The night progressed without a hitch, until—suddenly—the lights went out!

[Lights go out.]

Two gunshots rang!

[Two gunshots ring.]

A woman screamed!

[Pause.]

Somebody scream!

GUY 2.  Ah.
LOVE INTEREST.  And when the lights came back on, what did they find but…

[Lights come back on.  Everybody is in the same position as before.]

…The Colonel… was dead!

[She turns around and realizes nobody moved.]

What are you guys doing? It’s a murder mystery, people.  You can’t have a murder mystery without murder.  The Colonel dies, got it?   Again!

[Lights go out.]

Two gunshots rang!

[Two gunshots ring.]

A woman screamed!

GUY 2.  Eek.
LOVE INTEREST.  And when the lights came back on, the Colonel was… dead!

[Lights come back on.  Nobody has moved.  Everybody sitting looks at each other.]

GUY 2.  Um.
LOVE INTEREST.  What?
GUY 2.  Who’s the Colonel?
LOVE INTEREST.  Jesus!   [Points to WENCH.] You.  You’re the Colonel.
WENCH.  I’m finger lickin’ good.
LOVE INTEREST.  Lights.

[Lights out.]

Gunshots.

[Gunshots.]

Scream.

GUY 2.  Ooh.
LOVE INTEREST.  Lights up!

[Lights up.   WENCH is lying on the floor. GUY 2 holding a gun.]

GUY 1.  I think I solved the mystery.
LOVE INTEREST.  No.  No, no, no!  You put the gun away before lights come back up.  Jesus!  You guys really are stupid.
GUY 1.  We’re not stupid.  You’re just a bad director.
LOVE INTEREST.  I am not a bad director.  Wench, get up!

[WENCH doesn’t move.]

Wench, get up!

GUY 2 [checking WENCH’s pulse].  Um…
GUY 1.  You have to be kidding me.

[GUY 1 pushes GUY 2 out of the way to check for himself.]

GUY 1 [to LOVE INTEREST].  Well.  I hope you’re happy with yourself.
LOVE INTEREST.  I… I didn’t mean to…
GUY 1.  This would never have happened if you just let me finish.
LOVE INTEREST.  No, this would never have happened if you didn’t treat me like a fucking object.
DICK.  I could smell it in the air like a fish past its prime.  Murder.  I promised myself I was through with this game.  Lady Fate had other ideas.  What a bitch.

[DICK steps forward, nowhere near the crime scene.]

I looked over the crime scene.
LOVE INTEREST.  We don’t need an investigation.
DICK.  I wouldn’t leave without answers.
LOVE INTEREST.  We know what happened, Richard.  Leave us alone.
DICK.  The dame was trying to throw me.  She was hiding something.
LOVE INTEREST.  God, I hate it when you get like this.  [to GUY 2] Get rid of the body.  That should calm him down.
GUY 2.  Get rid of it?  Where?
LOVE INTEREST.  Who cares.  Stage right.

[Exit GUY 1 and 2 with WENCH’s body, stage RIGHT.]

DICK.  By the sounds of it, I was stepping on the right toes.  Time to see where the rabbit hole goes.

[Exit DICK stage RIGHT.]

GUY 1 [re-entering].  Say it.
LOVE INTEREST.  Say what?
GUY 1.  Say sorry.
LOVE INTEREST.  Why?
GUY 1.  Why?  I was trying to tell a story, a reasonable story, and you turned it into a goddamn farce.
LOVE INTEREST.  Nobody wants to see another stupid, silly romance.
GUY 1.  Nobody wants to see another stupid, contrived whodunit.
LOVE INTEREST.  It would have had a twist.
GUY 1.  It always has a twist!

[Enter DICK stage RIGHT twisting GUY 2’s arm behind his back.]

GUY 2.  Ow!  Quit twisting!
DICK.  I had it wrong all along.  I caught the rat trying to hide the body.  His face said everything evidence couldn’t.  The broad was innocent.
GUY 2.  Come on, let go.
DICK.  He wouldn’t stop struggling.  If we were going anywhere, he’d have to see stars.
GUY 2.  What?
DICK.  Lucky for me, that’s why God invented pistol-whipping. [He reaches into his pocket.]
LOVE INTEREST.  Rich, stop being so melodramatic.  Let him go.
DICK.  I didn’t want to listen, but the dame knew how to pull my heartstrings.  Against better judgment, I let him go. [He lets GUY 2 go.]  Will it come back to haunt me?  Probably.  I’ll add it to the list.  I didn’t care.  That dizzy dame’s smile was worth it.
LOVE INTEREST.  It… it was?
DICK.  Usually my reward for a job well done is not getting jumped by thugs on the way home.  This time was different.  I knew why.  The dame.  I always tell myself not to get involved.  I never listen to my own advice. I must be getting soft.  Either way, my work here was done.  It was time to head back to the office and back to the bottle.

[DICK begins to exit stage RIGHT.]

LOVE INTEREST.  Wait!

[DICK stops, but before he can speak again, LOVE INTEREST interrupts him.]

[to GUY 1] You wanted a romance?  Here you go.

[She kisses DICK.  Beat.  She leaps into his arms and he carries her off, stage RIGHT.]

GUY 1.  Hey!  That’s not what I meant!  That’s not what I meant!

[Pause.  GUY 1 slumps to a sitting position.]

GUY 2.  Sorry, man.

[Pause.]

Are you ok?

GUY 1.  No.

[Pause.]

GUY 2.  I could be your love interest.
GUY 1.  Get away from me.
GUY 2.  Seriously.
GUY 1.  No.
GUY 2.  Why not?
GUY 1.  Not interested.
GUY 2.  Are you saying I’m ugly?
GUY 1.  No.
GUY 2.  So you think I’m attractive.
GUY 1.  No!
GUY 2.  Bigot.
GUY 1.  I am not a bigot.  You are an idiot.
GUY 2.  Romance is romance, right?
GUY 1.  Stop it.
GUY 2 [putting his arm around GUY 1.]  You wanted a romance, you said it yourself.  I’m just taking one for the team.
GUY 1 [pushing him away.].  You are an asshole.
GUY 2.  Thank you.

[Pause.]

So how does it end?

GUY 1.  I don’t know.
GUY 2.  How was it supposed to end?
GUY 1.  I already said how.  Kiss and fade to black.

[GUY 2 grins.  Their eyes meet.]

Don’t even think about it.  Don’t—

[GUY 2 tackles him.  They wrestle while he tries to pin GUY 1 down.]

Get off me!

GUY 2.  Give in to the urge!
GUY 1.  Get off!

[GUY 1 is pinned down.  GUY 2 leans in and kisses him on the cheek.  The lights remain up.  GUY 2 looks around.]

GUY 1.  There.  You kissed me.  Now get off!
GUY 2.  No fade to black.  Looks like it’s gotta be open mouth, buddy.  Pucker up.

[GUY 1 screams while GUY 2 checks his breath, licks his lips and leans in.  The instant their lips are about to touch—

--Lights out.]