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The Clock Strikes One
by-nc-nd
Published: 2006-12-19 18:07:20 +0000 UTC; Views: 2234; Favourites: 29; Downloads: 13
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Description
The clock strikes one:On the mantelpiece
A line of cards facing a room
Full of discarded wrapping
Warmth
A family of chatter overwhelms the chime;
In the church tower
Fresh holly hangs on the church door
The last worshippers exit
Faith
Bar one, praying silently through each booming strike;
Down the alleyway
Nameless rags heaped in the corners
Peals seep through the shadows
Echoes
The crying bells overwhelm one beggar’s last breath.
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Comments: 29
This is beautiful! I stand in awe of your talent and openness to criticism. Each time I re-read it I'm more amazed; you're making me smile for the sheer joy of savoring such a lovely piece!
I particularly like how the first line of each verse places the reader somewhere, as a sort of involved yet detached observer. And you did a wonderful job of making the last line of each verse slide into the next while retaining its place. For example, in line 6 it somehow struck me that the chime seemed rather forlorn, thus the transition to the next verse and connection to the previous.
I can only hope that someday I'll approach the quality of this poem. Congrats on the DD!
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I got this DD as I left this account for a new one and seem to have missed saying thanks to people.
So thanks, sorry that comes a bit late.
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I really like the contrasted images and the very modernist way of saying it like it is, no fluttery fluff to distract from the meaning you express it in clarity giving it a sharpness that works while still using strong and effective diction to bring feeling and life into the poem.
Great job and congrats.
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First off, wow!
This is one of the most original and interesting pieces I've read in a while. The second stanza is especially well done.
I am amazed that you are one of the few artists who take critisism. That in itself is admirable.
There is only one things in the poem which i found awkward. And that was the double "church" in Line 7 and Line 8:
"In the church tower
Fresh holly hangs on the church door"
might sound better:
"In the church tower,
Fresh holly hangs on the door"
Also, the lack of punctuation, in my opinion, takes away from the impact of the poem. I'm not sure if you were going for minimal punctuation, though.
But again, I love this piece! You've taken an older concept, and you given a completely new twist on it. Which is very hard to do.
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It should be "bell tower"!
I will have to log in and amend later... I wonder if editing a piece erases your DD. I seem to have lost the DD tag on the "glass teardrop" piece I wrote.
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Good point about the "church" duplication.
The minimalistic punctuation was intentional. I find it hard to get the layout I want on dA.
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The image that comes to mind is indeed very beautiful, I agree with the first comment.
I also loved the last line about the beggar... its just so sad.
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Wonderful, I love the structure, it really adds to the poem. The contrast within this piece is superb, it makes the ending so much more powerful than if it you just went straight in with death. Great work, congratulations on the really well-deserved DD!
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Congrats on the DD, but what I'm more impressed by is the seriousness with which you took criticism of your work. It takes an artist to understand to understand that a work is often unfinished. I applaud you for it.
Regarding the poem itself:
The form you've created (as AbCat pointed out) really defines the space of your poem uniquely, much like an intricately framed painting. Each portion, or sound destination, is progressively colder and progressively less alive; I read it as living (warmth, overwhelming), clinging to hope (faith, praying silently), and dying (echoes, last breath). The tweaked picture of Christmas you've created with opened cards instead of presents, the moments after the service, and the finite character of the "Christmas Spirit", has a ring of sincerity that is often hard to find - beautifully done. The only issue I have is with the double-use of "overwhelmed", but even then, perhaps there is a meaning to be teased out of that as well.
Well put together, well evolved. 
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I am going to have to be more careful with my double-uses in future.
I've started to notice that they bug people even when I like them or have done them intentionally, so maybe I should avoid them.
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Good work - I like your use of imagery. Congratulations on the DD.
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There is an interesting spectrum of life and death here at Christmas, when everything seems to be magnified.
There are a few flat moments:
Line 3 and 4 is just begging to rearrange itself so that you have the word 'room-full'.
Lines 8 and 9 could do with some festive decoration: 'The vicar talks' notably doesn't do a lot for me.
Line 14's 'Sounds' doesn't pull it's weight.
And on Line 16 I think 'overwhelms' can become 'overwhelm' and I think 'the' in place of 'a' would bring the reader closer to the beggar.
Lines 2, 7 and 12 where you introduce the scene can be shaved down to become: 'The mantelpiece', 'The church tower', 'The alleyway'. This would make the change between scenes a little sharper. I'm not sure about the 'church tower' so much anyhow. It feels a little stony and unkind. Perhaps placing your parishoners in 'the vestry' or something like that would make that scene more welcoming.
I like the pictures you've written here a lot: The warmth and love of the family; the departing congragation; the beggar's alleyway. 'Nameless rags' is a good combination, and I love the single word lines: Warmth, Faith, Echoes.
I hope you don't mind such a blunt critique at this time of the morning. I know I've pointed out a lot of weak points, but I really enjoyed the piece and it does have a wonderful potential.
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Not at all, it's appreciated.
I did dwitch between overwhelm and overwhelms a lot while writing it.
The on/in/down is intentional, it uses the same 'triplet of differences' theme as the single words. The reason I used clock tower is because that is where the clock is. What actually worried me was that "down the alley" refers to the sound, whereas the others refer the clock locations, but the "echoes" line hopefully makes that clear.
The church scene was not meant to be particularly festive. I was drawing of what I remember of going to church. I might see what I can do, though.
I'm somewhat divided on the room-full thing. The break there was intentional.
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Ah, so the mantelpiece, the church tower, and down the alleyway is where the clock strikes. That's interesting. I thought it was just setting of the scene. I hadn't noticed that one. I like the idea of that, but I think you need more than linebreaks to emphasize it.
Sounds seep through the shadows, portrays to me the sound of scuttling rats and whatnot, rather than the bell chimes, as it comes after the 'nameless rags'.
Can I also ask, why you are using a 5,8,7,1,11ish, syllable pattern for each of the three verses? I'm curious as to the rigidity of the form here.
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Ah, now these are interesting.
A family of sounds
Give that verse a fresh light. The 'family' is only hinted at now. I think the problem with that line is not the order in which the words occur but that word 'sounds' which gives zilch to the reader.
Some holly hangs on the church door
That's quite a straight-forward picture, but is a nice distraction. I'm not sure about 'Some': That's a weak word there. But I like the holly.
Peals seep through the shadows
That slight adjustment has really made that verse. What a beautiful edit.
:~)
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I've removed the trio of 'sound/s'.
What do you think?
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Gosh! It's been a while.
'A family of chatter' looks new and fresh. I like that one very much. I also love the 'crying bells' and the 'booming strike', though I can't be sure if they're new or not, or where the other cases of 'sound' were.
I'm liking the way this echoes too, with the repeating form of the three verses, each having the word 'one', although the final instance of 'one' looks a bit carried.
But this piece has really come together.
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Yay!
Yep, you got all three changes. It's amazing what a six month break and some fresh eyes can do.
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This is one of the best poems I have seen in a while. Congrats on the DD.
Do you think you could post the original? I think it would be really interesting to see it.
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I am not sure I have the original. I wish I could see it too!
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I agree on the Sounds and Some, but nothing is coming to me right now.
Hopefully another couple of days will leave me fresh to look at them again.
Thank you for all your help, it is greatly appreciated.
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Well, the colon and semicolons are meant to show the locations, too.
I might change sounds to bells.
I'm using that form because that is how it came out. I am afraid I tend to do that - I read over it and find the way it sounds, and make sure the rhythm sounds right to me. In this way, perhaps my poems are best when read by myself, but as I'm not inclined to perform they might never be heard that way. It's hard to say how much my accent impacts how I write.
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I like the image you visualize with this piece. Cold and warm at the same time, telling the typical of x-mas to remind us that not all are fortunate.
I think it's original and good
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