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Description
Anime Con Standup Act

Hey everyone, so happy to be here among the unwashed masses of Otakudom.  I really feel left out every con I go to.  First off I just hit the old 3-0 not long ago, so if I try to strike up a conversation with that girl in the audience who is either a slutty Pikachu, or a character from some Anime where everyone wears yellow rubber bands as body armor...I would look like a total creeper...or a pedophile...or San Japan's Con Chair.  I kid though...David is a wonderful person.  He donated all of his hair to kids fighting cancer.  I mean he charged them $50 a strand, and then didn't have a wig for them until two years later, but hey...give the man a break.  So anyways where was I?  Ah yes...feeling left out.  So yeah, age has a lot to do with it.  I was brought up on Voltron, Robotech, Mysterious Cities of Gold, and several other shows I didn't know were Anime.  So I am not up all of these new fangled Animes you all like, and I'm not a fan of the Yaoi.  I was in the dealers room earlier and saw all of these young girls hitting each other in the ass with paddles and being 30 years old and married, I thought "Man...this con is great!  I just barely got here and I get a show!"  It wasn't until I found out they were all packing penises that the excitement quickly dwindled.  The guy at the stand selling these damned things should be ashamed of himself.  You could put the word Yaoi on the side of a blender and it would sell like hotcakes.  He might as well be handing out fake dicks with the word Yaoi written on the side of them.  Just think...in three years you will get to see 13 year old girls chasing each other around slapping each other with false cocks.  The guy at the table will shout "DICKS FOR SALE!".  What a world.  I can't wait.

So the other reason I feel out of place is because I used to cosplay.  I know its hard to believe looking at me.  What would I cosplay as right?  The colony Char dropped on Earth in Char's Counterattack?  Yeah, only the old school guys will get that one.  But no, believe it or not, I used to cosplay as Psycho Mantis from Metal Gear Solid.  Once we found a large enough vinyl boat cover, I was the most terrifying thing you would ever lay eyes on.  A fat man in a trench coat wearing a skin tight black vinyl suit.  I have also done my share of last minute cosplay.  Any of you know what that is?  I mean I know the term is self explanatory...but you don't know what it means until you find yourself at 8am Friday morning with a dixie cup in one hand, and a roll of duct tape and a Sharpie in the other wondering how the fuck you are going to make people believe you are Master Chief.  If you are a girl, this is rarely a problem.  You could hot glue a yellow sock to your labia and BAM!  You're that girl right over there!  But when you are a dude, the only way to have a distinct costume usually involves a lot of work...or stealing your sister's clothes.  I don't have the body of a girl as you can see...well other than the one I have in a box under my bed.  So you are left with three options.  Either you make a bullshit costume, you get creative, or you make what I call a dealer's room special.  A bullshit costume is when you just go as you, but you claim to be Cloud on his day off.  Right...because Cloud wears a Brony shirt and dyes his hair brown when he's not off crying about Aeris...and when isn't he doing that?  The man doesn't take a day off from being a bitch!  The other way of making a bullshit costume is judicious use of duct tape and a marker.  One stripe of duct tape...write a character's name on it.  BAM!  You're golden.  You can also take any sufficiently large box and write "GUNDAM" on the side of it and people will want to take pictures with you...BECAUSE IT'S JUST SO DAMNED FUNNY RIGHT?

This is where the line is drawn between bullshit and creativity.  A lazy man will just write something on the side of a box.  A creative person will get out the glue gun and glue as much shit to it as possible.  It's just like Kindergarten guys...except for the fact that no one is going to pretend to be proud of the horrendous holocaust of an art project you just created.  You might as well just spray yourself in the face with spray paint until the fumes convince you that you are Vampire Hunter D and your brother just killed your woman thing.  So this leaves you with your final choice.  The Dealer's Room Special.

This one is also probably self explanatory...in fact I see a few Naruto Cosplayers now that are likely Dealer's Room Specials.  Its a proven fact that all you need for a Naruto cosplay is $50 and a trip to the dealer's room.  Once you buy one of those headbands and a weapon of your choice, you are suddenly Unchio, the Hokage of the Hidden Valley of Ranch.  And remember, for extra bonus points with the Yaoi community, be sure to make your weapon is one of those dicks from the Yaoi stand.  I mean the goddamned show has gone on for hundreds of episodes.  No one has watched them all...you can easily fool anyone.  And come on...its Anime...there are dicks everywhere!  You don't have to limit yourself to Naruto though.  With cat ears, some business cards, free pens and a Minecraft sword you can be a super hero salaryman who happens to believe that a cat is fine too.  And the great thing about this is most of the con attendees have only seen one or two Animes...usually Inuyasha, Naruto, or that one where all the European Countries are taking turns sucking each other off.  So no one will call bullshit on your costume...except for me...because remember.  I am an old fuck.  But don't worry, it will be our secret.

And speaking of costumes, lately I started seeing people dressing up as what I only assumed was Sasami from Tenchi.  Apparently its this Miku character.  I kid of course, I have been a fan of Miku for years, before everyone found it and started to ruin it by turning her into a squealing, know it all teenager.  Don't feel bad kiddos, I did the same thing to Tenchi.  I ruined it for 30 year olds of the 1990's too.  Because by the end of the 1990's, thats all we could talk about was Tenchi.  It was the only thing we could rent from Hollywood to fill that lonely void in our lives.  Well that and Ranma 1/2.  Speaking of those Animes...you know what they have in common?  They are both harem Animes.  They are what drew me and other ugly, nerdy teens into Anime.  Imagine a world where every girl you so much as glance at immediately wants to have children with you.  Yeah...every nerdy boy's dream right.  One problem though...the protagonist in all of these Animes is incapable of making up his damned mind.  When we were watching we all knew which one we would pick.  My votes are on Washu by the way.  Can you imagine Tenchi ordering food at a restaraunt?  He would starve to death before he could decide what he was going to order.  We all got really sick of this inability to decide.  He was living with these women longer than most people are married, and he can't make a damned decision.  I wish they would make one more Tenchi movie honestly.  It would turn the world on it's head.  It would be called "Tenchi Muyo In Love: The Friendzone".  It would involve all the girls of Tenchi Muyo simply ceasing to give a fuck.

Description
Anime Con Standup Act

Hey everyone, so happy to be here among the unwashed masses of Otakudom.  I really feel left out every con I go to.  First off I just hit the old 3-0 not long ago, so if I try to strike up a conversation with that girl in the audience who is either a slutty Pikachu, or a character from some Anime where everyone wears yellow rubber bands as body armor...I would look like a total creeper...or a pedophile...or San Japan's Con Chair.  I kid though...David is a wonderful person.  He donated all of his hair to kids fighting cancer.  I mean he charged them $50 a strand, and then didn't have a wig for them until two years later, but hey...give the man a break.  So anyways where was I?  Ah yes...feeling left out.  So yeah, age has a lot to do with it.  I was brought up on Voltron, Robotech, Mysterious Cities of Gold, and several other shows I didn't know were Anime.  So I am not up all of these new fangled Animes you all like, and I'm not a fan of the Yaoi.  I was in the dealers room earlier and saw all of these young girls hitting each other in the ass with paddles and being 30 years old and married, I thought "Man...this con is great!  I just barely got here and I get a show!"  It wasn't until I found out they were all packing penises that the excitement quickly dwindled.  The guy at the stand selling these damned things should be ashamed of himself.  You could put the word Yaoi on the side of a blender and it would sell like hotcakes.  He might as well be handing out fake dicks with the word Yaoi written on the side of them.  Just think...in three years you will get to see 13 year old girls chasing each other around slapping each other with false cocks.  The guy at the table will shout "DICKS FOR SALE!".  What a world.  I can't wait.

So the other reason I feel out of place is because I used to cosplay.  I know its hard to believe looking at me.  What would I cosplay as right?  The colony Char dropped on Earth in Char's Counterattack?  Yeah, only the old school guys will get that one.  But no, believe it or not, I used to cosplay as Psycho Mantis from Metal Gear Solid.  Once we found a large enough vinyl boat cover, I was the most terrifying thing you would ever lay eyes on.  A fat man in a trench coat wearing a skin tight black vinyl suit.  I have also done my share of last minute cosplay.  Any of you know what that is?  I mean I know the term is self explanatory...but you don't know what it means until you find yourself at 8am Friday morning with a dixie cup in one hand, and a roll of duct tape and a Sharpie in the other wondering how the fuck you are going to make people believe you are Master Chief.  If you are a girl, this is rarely a problem.  You could hot glue a yellow sock to your labia and BAM!  You're that girl right over there!  But when you are a dude, the only way to have a distinct costume usually involves a lot of work...or stealing your sister's clothes.  I don't have the body of a girl as you can see...well other than the one I have in a box under my bed.  So you are left with three options.  Either you make a bullshit costume, you get creative, or you make what I call a dealer's room special.  A bullshit costume is when you just go as you, but you claim to be Cloud on his day off.  Right...because Cloud wears a Brony shirt and dyes his hair brown when he's not off crying about Aeris...and when isn't he doing that?  The man doesn't take a day off from being a bitch!  The other way of making a bullshit costume is judicious use of duct tape and a marker.  One stripe of duct tape...write a character's name on it.  BAM!  You're golden.  You can also take any sufficiently large box and write "GUNDAM" on the side of it and people will want to take pictures with you...BECAUSE IT'S JUST SO DAMNED FUNNY RIGHT?

This is where the line is drawn between bullshit and creativity.  A lazy man will just write something on the side of a box.  A creative person will get out the glue gun and glue as much shit to it as possible.  It's just like Kindergarten guys...except for the fact that no one is going to pretend to be proud of the horrendous holocaust of an art project you just created.  You might as well just spray yourself in the face with spray paint until the fumes convince you that you are Vampire Hunter D and your brother just killed your woman thing.  So this leaves you with your final choice.  The Dealer's Room Special.

This one is also probably self explanatory...in fact I see a few Naruto Cosplayers now that are likely Dealer's Room Specials.  Its a proven fact that all you need for a Naruto cosplay is $50 and a trip to the dealer's room.  Once you buy one of those headbands and a weapon of your choice, you are suddenly Unchio, the Hokage of the Hidden Valley of Ranch.  And remember, for extra bonus points with the Yaoi community, be sure to make your weapon is one of those dicks from the Yaoi stand.  I mean the goddamned show has gone on for hundreds of episodes.  No one has watched them all...you can easily fool anyone.  And come on...its Anime...there are dicks everywhere!  You don't have to limit yourself to Naruto though.  With cat ears, some business cards, free pens and a Minecraft sword you can be a super hero salaryman who happens to believe that a cat is fine too.  And the great thing about this is most of the con attendees have only seen one or two Animes...usually Inuyasha, Naruto, or that one where all the European Countries are taking turns sucking each other off.  So no one will call bullshit on your costume...except for me...because remember.  I am an old fuck.  But don't worry, it will be our secret.

And speaking of costumes, lately I started seeing people dressing up as what I only assumed was Sasami from Tenchi.  Apparently its this Miku character.  I kid of course, I have been a fan of Miku for years, before everyone found it and started to ruin it by turning her into a squealing, know it all teenager.  Don't feel bad kiddos, I did the same thing to Tenchi.  I ruined it for 30 year olds of the 1990's too.  Because by the end of the 1990's, thats all we could talk about was Tenchi.  It was the only thing we could rent from Hollywood to fill that lonely void in our lives.  Well that and Ranma 1/2.  Speaking of those Animes...you know what they have in common?  They are both harem Animes.  They are what drew me and other ugly, nerdy teens into Anime.  Imagine a world where every girl you so much as glance at immediately wants to have children with you.  Yeah...every nerdy boy's dream right.  One problem though...the protagonist in all of these Animes is incapable of making up his damned mind.  When we were watching we all knew which one we would pick.  My votes are on Washu by the way.  Can you imagine Tenchi ordering food at a restaraunt?  He would starve to death before he could decide what he was going to order.  We all got really sick of this inability to decide.  He was living with these women longer than most people are married, and he can't make a damned decision.  I wish they would make one more Tenchi movie honestly.  It would turn the world on it's head.  It would be called "Tenchi Muyo In Love: The Friendzone".  It would involve all the girls of Tenchi Muyo simply ceasing to give a fuck.