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Description
WARNING : Eso Testo es un montón de blasfemias contra Monesvol.

Paradise Lost is an epic poem in blank verse by the 17th-century English poet John Milton who was writing/ dictating while he was becoming blind.I would like to point that I don't have the heart of a poet but that of an egotist so don't you expect some deep analysis about the meaning of life, birds and all that shit. Now I do not KNOW the structure of poetry and quite frankly do not care. Why ? Because I am here on the accounts of villainy ! And Spoilers alert: Sex makes babies. No, none of my texts are suitable for children to read.... but they're welcome to read them nonetheless XD !

The poem chronicles (or rather PRATTLES ON ABOUT) the biblical story of the Fall of Man (because being born from stinky penile snot was not embarassing enough already!). It is mainly influential for the revision of the Devil's character into a shrewd charismatic entity rather than... either some "dragon" or some fart-chasing idiot from what I gather. Apparantly Neil Gaiman loved this poem so much that his take on Lucifer is based on it and that plenty of people see our dear fallen angel as the true heroic figure or a misunderstood "look at me but ignore me" pretty boy with daddy issues. Which is a very romanticized (and wholly inaccurate ) way of describing the guy I PERSONALLY got from the poem. Let's say that I've seen BETTER takes on the devil in the most unexpected places but you have to start somewhere somehow. Though Milton's Satan is still better than Go Nagai's, if anything I always give the Devil his due.

Milton's purpose was said to "justify the ways of God to men". Well he definitely succeeded in showing me why Crom is the best God with the best kind of religion out there. I mean, think about it : Would it bruise Mr Almighty's lazy ass to put some fucking electric fences around the tree of knowledge ?! But we will discuss the "parents of humanity" eventually, because those 2 aggravating excuses for an origin warrant a proper description later...

Since this poem is divided into 12 parts (initially it was 10 but the last 2 because 12 is a sacred number of some shit...), I will talk about its 13 parts. The fucking thing is LONG but it's mostly due to the padding... but hey said filler helps me wait for my pizza to arrive vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/in…

Book 1:
Satan and pals find themselves in Hell and our fallen friend has one nasty busted-up face. But since he has discovered newfound faith in the church of Wile E. Coyote, Satan boasts the best speech in the whole epic (as he is the ONLY interesting guy around...). And cue the famous line "better reign in Hell than serve in Heaven !". We will find out that for the sake of the Heaven that Milton describes, Luci was quite right...
So let's make Hell the coolest EVAH shall we ?! www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_1uIj…
It shall be called Pandemonium and will have Black Jack and hookers !

Book 2:
Since the Devil is tenacious and cannot let his downfall go without consequences. He needs something to show up God ! What will it be ? Some of his pals are ready to get back for the second round, others are against getting their asses handed to them a second time. THUS, Satan decided to fuck over God's newest creation through the most insidious plan ever (well at the time...)! Sounds impressive but when we get to the actual scheme well, let's just say that Satan ain't exactly Sir Crocodile.
He also encounters his daughter/wife Sin and son Death. Also, Sin is half woman, half giant snake. Sweet Robert E. Howard ! Satan has the same kinks as I. Should I be worried ? Eh, not according to this poem...

Book 3:
God, sitting on his omnipotent fat ass, predicts that Satan shall pervert mankind. Which means that he will have to punish them for the sin of the first couple ever...
Thankfully his son, aka The Son, Big-J for his friends wp.patheos.com.s3.amazonaws.co… , negotiates that he will suffer for the sake of men ! God is so fucking happy that he orders the other angels to adore his Son. And thus the Lord created Nepotism ! And being a Douche while I am at it... What ? you thought the Devil was the cruelest guy ever ? Milton did...
Anyway, our dear Lucifer enters Earth because Uriel is to guards what a banana peel is to nuclear physicists.

Book 4:
Satan finally arrives in the garden of Eden (a garden of FLESH !) and starts questionning his motives. Why ? Well seeing Eve does that. I mean, dude made the trip from Hell to Earth, no wonder he'd want to bust a nut ! Anyway, dude has not been too unconspicuous so Gabriel arrives to tell him to piss off. Satan only has the power of smartassery in a combat situation, so he scrams.
Oh yeah and there's a hierachy in Eden; Adam is God's bitch while Eve is Adam's bitch.

Book 5:
Before Gabriel caught Satan, the fallen pal managed to get to Eve and had her dream of troublesome things (thus Satan created the wet dream!).
Raphael is sent to talk to Adam and warn him about Teh DeVOl and some such and even recounts the war in heaven. THIS is where the description revealed Satan's ACTUAL intelligence and cunning... his strategies are on par with Daffy Duck's ! Same brashness, Same "patience" and forethought ! I mean, the dude struggles against the base angels, so how exactly did he exactly think he was gonna reach God ?!

Book 6:
The Battle of Heaven continues ( Well Satan is perseverant if anything... He also uses MACHINES ! So Satan invented the Matrix...) until on the the third day, Big-J takes things on his own hands. So it goes like this img.memecdn.com/badass-jesus-c…
And that's why this poem has a Book 1.

Book 7:
Raphael tells Adam about how God created the earth. The answer is obvious ! www.themarysue.com/wp-content/…

Book 8:
Adam asks why the universe has celestial motions (WHO CAAAAAAAARES ?! Are you gonna be some fucking astronaut or something ?! WHAT ? I don't think you'll explore it when your only tool is your wang !).
We have also the first couple's origin story : Adam wanted a companion so God asked for a rib and turned into a woman (wait, if Adam gave his whole rib cage, does he get a Harem ?!). Apparantly Eve has the marital laws and all that grafted within her genetic code ( Wait, did Mr Sinister create her ? Was she a natural-born Kryptonian ?). Rapahel reminds them that errr... fall of men, the enemy is somewhere yadayadayada... again, God either over-sells his omnipotence or he's a douche.

Book 9:
THE BEST part of the whole poem.
Satan FINALLY penetrates a snake (teeehehehehe...) an he sets off to tempt Eve. Upon seeing that piece of ass, he almost jizzes twice (cus snakes have 2 penii ) BUT remebers that his ego trumps his boner. Eve is surprised to see a talking snake. So the ophidian infiltrator explains that she can be smart too if she munches on the forbidden fruit (IRONICALLY he was NOT lying !). So she decides to tell the Father of mankind (which explains what a miserable species we are...) to try it. So they eat and discover that they are naked (REALLY ?! I guess God could not conjure up some fucking underwears...). Since this is not Barsoom (God I'd wish !), they feel shameful and try to cover themselves and blame each other for this misery.
Time-out though... THIS was Satan's plan ? THIS is the Satan that Neil Gaiman sees as some anti-heroic figure ? Because I am certain that I can do a better job !
MY PLAN ?!
Step 1: Fuck Eve (this might take a while since I'd have to teach her about sex, nerve-endings and coits. But building a new, BETTER world was not done in a single day, you know ! HYBRIDISM IS THE KEY TO PERFECTION ! Playing the cards right, a ménage-à-trois with Sin would be an option).
Step 2: She gives birth to a much BETTER species than base humans !
Step 3: Up yours GOD ! My children are more muscular, more cunning and they are geniuses, while Adam is still chasing flies with his weenie.
Of course this is just my take on the matter...

Book 10:
Sin and Death realize that man has Fallen, made a path down into hell for all the future sinners. Riveting.
Satan returns in triumph and his fallen friends rejoice ! BUT God turns them into snakes... Really ? That is a bad thing ? Snakes ? For fuck sake , I LOVE SNAKES ! They are among the most beautiful animals on this goddamn planet ! Why not turn them into sea cucumbers so that they will be forced to eat through their anuses ?!
Come on ! A little imagination here !
Oh yeah, and God curses snakes ... You know, God is like the World Government in One Piece: Laughably overpowered, irritating and completely nonsensical.
Also, Adam and Eve start praying. Yeah I am sure he will understand...

Book 11:
I HATE this chapter and the next one, so might as well speed this up with a better version of what happens. www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmYgWW…

Book 12:
Michael talks about the rest of the Bible and I wonder img.fireden.net/a/image/1448/3… . Adam is cursed to work in order to earn his keep while Eve is cursed to give birth through pain (again, God can't be assed to be nice.).
Wonder how Big-J will handle this race... angrytorro.com/fs/i/2012/05/20… ... that checks out.
Also, the creation of various languages is apparantly meant to make life harsher. Pfff, unethical jackass.

Book 13:
Yours truly discovers the unfathomable truth:
* Spawn is a waaaay better religious epic (it even has a better omnipotent creator that ADVOCATES FOR free will...).
* The best versions of the tempting fallen angel are Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Mammon in Spawn and the demon Neron. Why ? Because they LOVE their job. And that is the devil's true charm !
* The best adaptation of Milton's devil is in the video game "Dante's Inferno"... THAT is the character to a T ! Neither meaner nor nicer...
* If the best adaptation of Dante's Inferno segment of the Divine comedy is a Disney comic (THAT BEGS to be animated !), should Paradise Lost be made into a Looney Tunes cartoon ?
* Funny how Hell and demons are waaay more interesting than Heaven. The latter is just a dull place where one is supposed to cater to a haxxed degenerate. That's the reward ? Pfeh ! MY Paradise is more akin to Cool World WHERE I happen to be the haxxed degenerate in charge ! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA !
* You know, it's not that I find Satan really sympathetic or particularly clever, it's just that he's the only relatable character here ! He IS a jealous and petty jerk BUT some of the greatest characters I've known ARE jerks ! The others ? Come on, Eve's beauty is equal to her stupidity while Adam's a mere cretin with pretty looks. So yeah, good job showing God's intent when he creates specimens whom collective IQs are even lower than an Oyster's . KILLER PLAN ! And the Big J is not allowed to be awesome in these poems. That's why we invented Hokuto No Ken to do him justice.
* Unfortunately we also inherited bishonen "sexy" Satan due to this poem despite the fact that he's not anything like that in this poem... and I HATE that version.
* Haki was a grievous error. So was the Yonkou concept...
* Milton wrote the sequel "Paradise Regained"... but fuck that ! Here is a Jesus story I wholeheartedly approve of www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYLugk… !

This concludes this lesson my children. I shall absolve you of your sins... except not. You're doomed ! WAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAA !

Description
WARNING : Eso Testo es un montón de blasfemias contra Monesvol.

Paradise Lost is an epic poem in blank verse by the 17th-century English poet John Milton who was writing/ dictating while he was becoming blind.I would like to point that I don't have the heart of a poet but that of an egotist so don't you expect some deep analysis about the meaning of life, birds and all that shit. Now I do not KNOW the structure of poetry and quite frankly do not care. Why ? Because I am here on the accounts of villainy ! And Spoilers alert: Sex makes babies. No, none of my texts are suitable for children to read.... but they're welcome to read them nonetheless XD !

The poem chronicles (or rather PRATTLES ON ABOUT) the biblical story of the Fall of Man (because being born from stinky penile snot was not embarassing enough already!). It is mainly influential for the revision of the Devil's character into a shrewd charismatic entity rather than... either some "dragon" or some fart-chasing idiot from what I gather. Apparantly Neil Gaiman loved this poem so much that his take on Lucifer is based on it and that plenty of people see our dear fallen angel as the true heroic figure or a misunderstood "look at me but ignore me" pretty boy with daddy issues. Which is a very romanticized (and wholly inaccurate ) way of describing the guy I PERSONALLY got from the poem. Let's say that I've seen BETTER takes on the devil in the most unexpected places but you have to start somewhere somehow. Though Milton's Satan is still better than Go Nagai's, if anything I always give the Devil his due.

Milton's purpose was said to "justify the ways of God to men". Well he definitely succeeded in showing me why Crom is the best God with the best kind of religion out there. I mean, think about it : Would it bruise Mr Almighty's lazy ass to put some fucking electric fences around the tree of knowledge ?! But we will discuss the "parents of humanity" eventually, because those 2 aggravating excuses for an origin warrant a proper description later...

Since this poem is divided into 12 parts (initially it was 10 but the last 2 because 12 is a sacred number of some shit...), I will talk about its 13 parts. The fucking thing is LONG but it's mostly due to the padding... but hey said filler helps me wait for my pizza to arrive vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/in…

Book 1:
Satan and pals find themselves in Hell and our fallen friend has one nasty busted-up face. But since he has discovered newfound faith in the church of Wile E. Coyote, Satan boasts the best speech in the whole epic (as he is the ONLY interesting guy around...). And cue the famous line "better reign in Hell than serve in Heaven !". We will find out that for the sake of the Heaven that Milton describes, Luci was quite right...
So let's make Hell the coolest EVAH shall we ?! www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_1uIj…
It shall be called Pandemonium and will have Black Jack and hookers !

Book 2:
Since the Devil is tenacious and cannot let his downfall go without consequences. He needs something to show up God ! What will it be ? Some of his pals are ready to get back for the second round, others are against getting their asses handed to them a second time. THUS, Satan decided to fuck over God's newest creation through the most insidious plan ever (well at the time...)! Sounds impressive but when we get to the actual scheme well, let's just say that Satan ain't exactly Sir Crocodile.
He also encounters his daughter/wife Sin and son Death. Also, Sin is half woman, half giant snake. Sweet Robert E. Howard ! Satan has the same kinks as I. Should I be worried ? Eh, not according to this poem...

Book 3:
God, sitting on his omnipotent fat ass, predicts that Satan shall pervert mankind. Which means that he will have to punish them for the sin of the first couple ever...
Thankfully his son, aka The Son, Big-J for his friends wp.patheos.com.s3.amazonaws.co… , negotiates that he will suffer for the sake of men ! God is so fucking happy that he orders the other angels to adore his Son. And thus the Lord created Nepotism ! And being a Douche while I am at it... What ? you thought the Devil was the cruelest guy ever ? Milton did...
Anyway, our dear Lucifer enters Earth because Uriel is to guards what a banana peel is to nuclear physicists.

Book 4:
Satan finally arrives in the garden of Eden (a garden of FLESH !) and starts questionning his motives. Why ? Well seeing Eve does that. I mean, dude made the trip from Hell to Earth, no wonder he'd want to bust a nut ! Anyway, dude has not been too unconspicuous so Gabriel arrives to tell him to piss off. Satan only has the power of smartassery in a combat situation, so he scrams.
Oh yeah and there's a hierachy in Eden; Adam is God's bitch while Eve is Adam's bitch.

Book 5:
Before Gabriel caught Satan, the fallen pal managed to get to Eve and had her dream of troublesome things (thus Satan created the wet dream!).
Raphael is sent to talk to Adam and warn him about Teh DeVOl and some such and even recounts the war in heaven. THIS is where the description revealed Satan's ACTUAL intelligence and cunning... his strategies are on par with Daffy Duck's ! Same brashness, Same "patience" and forethought ! I mean, the dude struggles against the base angels, so how exactly did he exactly think he was gonna reach God ?!

Book 6:
The Battle of Heaven continues ( Well Satan is perseverant if anything... He also uses MACHINES ! So Satan invented the Matrix...) until on the the third day, Big-J takes things on his own hands. So it goes like this img.memecdn.com/badass-jesus-c…
And that's why this poem has a Book 1.

Book 7:
Raphael tells Adam about how God created the earth. The answer is obvious ! www.themarysue.com/wp-content/…

Book 8:
Adam asks why the universe has celestial motions (WHO CAAAAAAAARES ?! Are you gonna be some fucking astronaut or something ?! WHAT ? I don't think you'll explore it when your only tool is your wang !).
We have also the first couple's origin story : Adam wanted a companion so God asked for a rib and turned into a woman (wait, if Adam gave his whole rib cage, does he get a Harem ?!). Apparantly Eve has the marital laws and all that grafted within her genetic code ( Wait, did Mr Sinister create her ? Was she a natural-born Kryptonian ?). Rapahel reminds them that errr... fall of men, the enemy is somewhere yadayadayada... again, God either over-sells his omnipotence or he's a douche.

Book 9:
THE BEST part of the whole poem.
Satan FINALLY penetrates a snake (teeehehehehe...) an he sets off to tempt Eve. Upon seeing that piece of ass, he almost jizzes twice (cus snakes have 2 penii ) BUT remebers that his ego trumps his boner. Eve is surprised to see a talking snake. So the ophidian infiltrator explains that she can be smart too if she munches on the forbidden fruit (IRONICALLY he was NOT lying !). So she decides to tell the Father of mankind (which explains what a miserable species we are...) to try it. So they eat and discover that they are naked (REALLY ?! I guess God could not conjure up some fucking underwears...). Since this is not Barsoom (God I'd wish !), they feel shameful and try to cover themselves and blame each other for this misery.
Time-out though... THIS was Satan's plan ? THIS is the Satan that Neil Gaiman sees as some anti-heroic figure ? Because I am certain that I can do a better job !
MY PLAN ?!
Step 1: Fuck Eve (this might take a while since I'd have to teach her about sex, nerve-endings and coits. But building a new, BETTER world was not done in a single day, you know ! HYBRIDISM IS THE KEY TO PERFECTION ! Playing the cards right, a ménage-à-trois with Sin would be an option).
Step 2: She gives birth to a much BETTER species than base humans !
Step 3: Up yours GOD ! My children are more muscular, more cunning and they are geniuses, while Adam is still chasing flies with his weenie.
Of course this is just my take on the matter...

Book 10:
Sin and Death realize that man has Fallen, made a path down into hell for all the future sinners. Riveting.
Satan returns in triumph and his fallen friends rejoice ! BUT God turns them into snakes... Really ? That is a bad thing ? Snakes ? For fuck sake , I LOVE SNAKES ! They are among the most beautiful animals on this goddamn planet ! Why not turn them into sea cucumbers so that they will be forced to eat through their anuses ?!
Come on ! A little imagination here !
Oh yeah, and God curses snakes ... You know, God is like the World Government in One Piece: Laughably overpowered, irritating and completely nonsensical.
Also, Adam and Eve start praying. Yeah I am sure he will understand...

Book 11:
I HATE this chapter and the next one, so might as well speed this up with a better version of what happens. www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmYgWW…

Book 12:
Michael talks about the rest of the Bible and I wonder img.fireden.net/a/image/1448/3… . Adam is cursed to work in order to earn his keep while Eve is cursed to give birth through pain (again, God can't be assed to be nice.).
Wonder how Big-J will handle this race... angrytorro.com/fs/i/2012/05/20… ... that checks out.
Also, the creation of various languages is apparantly meant to make life harsher. Pfff, unethical jackass.

Book 13:
Yours truly discovers the unfathomable truth:
* Spawn is a waaaay better religious epic (it even has a better omnipotent creator that ADVOCATES FOR free will...).
* The best versions of the tempting fallen angel are Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Mammon in Spawn and the demon Neron. Why ? Because they LOVE their job. And that is the devil's true charm !
* The best adaptation of Milton's devil is in the video game "Dante's Inferno"... THAT is the character to a T ! Neither meaner nor nicer...
* If the best adaptation of Dante's Inferno segment of the Divine comedy is a Disney comic (THAT BEGS to be animated !), should Paradise Lost be made into a Looney Tunes cartoon ?
* Funny how Hell and demons are waaay more interesting than Heaven. The latter is just a dull place where one is supposed to cater to a haxxed degenerate. That's the reward ? Pfeh ! MY Paradise is more akin to Cool World WHERE I happen to be the haxxed degenerate in charge ! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA !
* You know, it's not that I find Satan really sympathetic or particularly clever, it's just that he's the only relatable character here ! He IS a jealous and petty jerk BUT some of the greatest characters I've known ARE jerks ! The others ? Come on, Eve's beauty is equal to her stupidity while Adam's a mere cretin with pretty looks. So yeah, good job showing God's intent when he creates specimens whom collective IQs are even lower than an Oyster's . KILLER PLAN ! And the Big J is not allowed to be awesome in these poems. That's why we invented Hokuto No Ken to do him justice.
* Unfortunately we also inherited bishonen "sexy" Satan due to this poem despite the fact that he's not anything like that in this poem... and I HATE that version.
* Haki was a grievous error. So was the Yonkou concept...
* Milton wrote the sequel "Paradise Regained"... but fuck that ! Here is a Jesus story I wholeheartedly approve of www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYLugk… !

This concludes this lesson my children. I shall absolve you of your sins... except not. You're doomed ! WAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAA !