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Description
First artwork on my new account! I can already tell that this description will be one big wall of text since I thought it would be good to explain why I'm starting over and where I want to go from now. This will probably be more meaningful for people who know me from my old account or in real life(btw thanks so much for sticking with me, guys, I love you!) but I definitely appreciate anyone who reads it(but I don't expect you to, of course ^^).

Before I begin, I want to make one thing clear: I'm not writing this to get attention or pity. On my old account, I was never particularly open about my issues and what was going on. I hinted at it sometimes, posted a vent art here and there, but that was it. And when I couldn't take it anymore, I left for a year, tried to come back, then left again. Then more things(read on, I'll explain everything) happened and I decided to leave that account for good. Now that I made a fresh start, I want to be more honest with all you amazing people who support my artwork. I don't want to just endlessly complain about the smallest things that happen, but when it comes to bigger things, I don't want to keep hiding them, although I often find it difficult to show when something is wrong. Part of the reason why I decided to open up about all this is also because someone else might be going through a similar situation and I want you to know that you're not alone. You have my full support, and no matter who you are, my inbox is always open if you want to talk to me. And to some extent, I'm writing it for myself; to look back at some painful things I usually try not to think about, try to make sense of it all and, most importantly, remind myself of why I kept going and where I want to be.
Anyway, here we go.

Few people know this, but I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for years now. Sometimes it was almost okay, sometimes really bad. I never gave it much thought to be honest, I was convinced I was just being overly sensitive. I only took it seriously in my first year of university when I almost dropped out because of my issues, but even then I didn't seek help, I was convinced I just have to be stronger. Then I seemed fine for some time again, but looking back, it was only a matter of time when everything would come back again.
It was last year, in my third year of university, when it all went downhill again. It didn't seem like much at first, a breakdown here and there, having to stay at home from time to time, zero motivation for school(I barely had any to begin with anyway), I didn't socialize at school unless I had to... I thought it was just a bad start and carried on, but things kept getting worse to the point where I had a panick attack in class and had to go home, not to mention all the suicidal thoughts. I'm sure I would've attempted it if I wasn't so scared of it at the same time. While all this was going on, things between me and my (then) girlfriend were also getting worse and worse. I should've known by then how unhealthy that relationship really was but I still loved her and was blind to it, even when I had breakdowns after talking to her or wished she wasn't coming along when I was meeting my friends. I will not go into detail here because I doubt many people know her but you can message me if you really want to find out more. Long things short, she was an extremely negative person, especially in the past few months when I still dated her, constantly jealous of me when I suceeded at something instead of supporting me, possessive to the point where she would get upset if I said I had a crush on a fictional character, had fun with someone who wasn't her or hugged my dog in front of her, she took way more than she gave and whenever I was upset, she would say things that brought me down even more, saying that she's just being realistic. Everyone around me noticed that I just wasn't the same person when she was around and that I seemed unhappy, but I wouldn't listen for a long time.
When things kept getting worse both at school(I was never happy there to begin with) and with her, I finally decided to get some help. I still wouldn't get better, antidepressants didn't help either and my life kept falling apart. One day when I was talking to a friend, she finally made me seejust how toxic the relationship I was in was, and in a few days I finally worked up the courage and broke up with my girlfriend. I told her just how destroyed I was mentally and did my best to explain everything, but she wasn't having any of it. She guilt-tripped me with everything she could, even made it look like I didn't care about her at all and just suddenly decided I'm sick of her. She tried to turn my friends against me, even suceeded with one who gave me hell and almost drove me to a suicide attempt. It took months to be free of her and even then, I had to promise her to stay friends, it was very uncomfortable for me but I did it because I was sick of fighting.
Just when I thought things have finally calmed down with her, things were getting worse at school. By the time the exam season started, I was having panick attacks every day, I barely ate or slept and I wanted to die so badly. I was forced to drop out.
Recovery was slow and difficult and it's still not nearly over but after all this time I'm finally getting at least somewhat close to living like a normal person again. Things with my ex came back once again a month or so later, she figured out I was avoiding her and asked me to return the last few things of hers I had, along with selling some of my videogames for way cheaper than I bought them to her because 'I'm not playing them anyway'. We broke all contact since, I sent her the books anyway, refused to sell the games. I doubt I'm getting my stuff back from her but to be honest, I'm just happy she finally let me go.
Okay, I think the harderst part is over, I'm still shaking from writing this and I feel like this was just scratching the surface of everything..but at the same time getting it off my chest once again helps somewhat.

Now is the time for the happier part of my story:
While my parents weren't happy with me dropping out at first, they eventually realized that I never belonged to that school in the first place. I will be transferring to an art school next year if all goes well, and currently I'm doing my best to prepare for the entrance exams. My life is still a bit shaky, still so many things I have to come to terms with, but now I finally believe myself when I say that I will be okay. And I couldn't be more grateful for my amazing friends who have my back <3
Oh, and one more crazy coincidence happened recently, I think it's just what I need to help me turn my life to the better ;w; More details on a separate post sometime latter since this is already long as it is, but in short: I'm getting another border collie puppy next month!

I almost forgot to say anything about the drawing itself because I got so immersed in all the real life mess that inspired it, might as well do that now. The character is my fursona, Fireya(or Firey for short), she's a border collie and lapphund mix with phoenix-like abilities, including the ability to be reborn from her own ashes. I loved my old fursona very much, but this one feels much more personal and at the same time gives me courage for the future in a way, as well as reminds me that I can get through whatever life throws at me, even if I have to burn first. The character on the floor is my old fursona, Firefly. I like to think of Fireya as her but somewhat changed, and stronger because she's been through a lot.

Anyway, thanks so much if you ended up reading it all, I really appreciate it <3 See you around!

Description
First artwork on my new account! I can already tell that this description will be one big wall of text since I thought it would be good to explain why I'm starting over and where I want to go from now. This will probably be more meaningful for people who know me from my old account or in real life(btw thanks so much for sticking with me, guys, I love you!) but I definitely appreciate anyone who reads it(but I don't expect you to, of course ^^).

Before I begin, I want to make one thing clear: I'm not writing this to get attention or pity. On my old account, I was never particularly open about my issues and what was going on. I hinted at it sometimes, posted a vent art here and there, but that was it. And when I couldn't take it anymore, I left for a year, tried to come back, then left again. Then more things(read on, I'll explain everything) happened and I decided to leave that account for good. Now that I made a fresh start, I want to be more honest with all you amazing people who support my artwork. I don't want to just endlessly complain about the smallest things that happen, but when it comes to bigger things, I don't want to keep hiding them, although I often find it difficult to show when something is wrong. Part of the reason why I decided to open up about all this is also because someone else might be going through a similar situation and I want you to know that you're not alone. You have my full support, and no matter who you are, my inbox is always open if you want to talk to me. And to some extent, I'm writing it for myself; to look back at some painful things I usually try not to think about, try to make sense of it all and, most importantly, remind myself of why I kept going and where I want to be.
Anyway, here we go.

Few people know this, but I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for years now. Sometimes it was almost okay, sometimes really bad. I never gave it much thought to be honest, I was convinced I was just being overly sensitive. I only took it seriously in my first year of university when I almost dropped out because of my issues, but even then I didn't seek help, I was convinced I just have to be stronger. Then I seemed fine for some time again, but looking back, it was only a matter of time when everything would come back again.
It was last year, in my third year of university, when it all went downhill again. It didn't seem like much at first, a breakdown here and there, having to stay at home from time to time, zero motivation for school(I barely had any to begin with anyway), I didn't socialize at school unless I had to... I thought it was just a bad start and carried on, but things kept getting worse to the point where I had a panick attack in class and had to go home, not to mention all the suicidal thoughts. I'm sure I would've attempted it if I wasn't so scared of it at the same time. While all this was going on, things between me and my (then) girlfriend were also getting worse and worse. I should've known by then how unhealthy that relationship really was but I still loved her and was blind to it, even when I had breakdowns after talking to her or wished she wasn't coming along when I was meeting my friends. I will not go into detail here because I doubt many people know her but you can message me if you really want to find out more. Long things short, she was an extremely negative person, especially in the past few months when I still dated her, constantly jealous of me when I suceeded at something instead of supporting me, possessive to the point where she would get upset if I said I had a crush on a fictional character, had fun with someone who wasn't her or hugged my dog in front of her, she took way more than she gave and whenever I was upset, she would say things that brought me down even more, saying that she's just being realistic. Everyone around me noticed that I just wasn't the same person when she was around and that I seemed unhappy, but I wouldn't listen for a long time.
When things kept getting worse both at school(I was never happy there to begin with) and with her, I finally decided to get some help. I still wouldn't get better, antidepressants didn't help either and my life kept falling apart. One day when I was talking to a friend, she finally made me seejust how toxic the relationship I was in was, and in a few days I finally worked up the courage and broke up with my girlfriend. I told her just how destroyed I was mentally and did my best to explain everything, but she wasn't having any of it. She guilt-tripped me with everything she could, even made it look like I didn't care about her at all and just suddenly decided I'm sick of her. She tried to turn my friends against me, even suceeded with one who gave me hell and almost drove me to a suicide attempt. It took months to be free of her and even then, I had to promise her to stay friends, it was very uncomfortable for me but I did it because I was sick of fighting.
Just when I thought things have finally calmed down with her, things were getting worse at school. By the time the exam season started, I was having panick attacks every day, I barely ate or slept and I wanted to die so badly. I was forced to drop out.
Recovery was slow and difficult and it's still not nearly over but after all this time I'm finally getting at least somewhat close to living like a normal person again. Things with my ex came back once again a month or so later, she figured out I was avoiding her and asked me to return the last few things of hers I had, along with selling some of my videogames for way cheaper than I bought them to her because 'I'm not playing them anyway'. We broke all contact since, I sent her the books anyway, refused to sell the games. I doubt I'm getting my stuff back from her but to be honest, I'm just happy she finally let me go.
Okay, I think the harderst part is over, I'm still shaking from writing this and I feel like this was just scratching the surface of everything..but at the same time getting it off my chest once again helps somewhat.

Now is the time for the happier part of my story:
While my parents weren't happy with me dropping out at first, they eventually realized that I never belonged to that school in the first place. I will be transferring to an art school next year if all goes well, and currently I'm doing my best to prepare for the entrance exams. My life is still a bit shaky, still so many things I have to come to terms with, but now I finally believe myself when I say that I will be okay. And I couldn't be more grateful for my amazing friends who have my back <3
Oh, and one more crazy coincidence happened recently, I think it's just what I need to help me turn my life to the better ;w; More details on a separate post sometime latter since this is already long as it is, but in short: I'm getting another border collie puppy next month!

I almost forgot to say anything about the drawing itself because I got so immersed in all the real life mess that inspired it, might as well do that now. The character is my fursona, Fireya(or Firey for short), she's a border collie and lapphund mix with phoenix-like abilities, including the ability to be reborn from her own ashes. I loved my old fursona very much, but this one feels much more personal and at the same time gives me courage for the future in a way, as well as reminds me that I can get through whatever life throws at me, even if I have to burn first. The character on the floor is my old fursona, Firefly. I like to think of Fireya as her but somewhat changed, and stronger because she's been through a lot.

Anyway, thanks so much if you ended up reading it all, I really appreciate it <3 See you around!