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The Porcelain Throne
This is a story of kindness, bravery, and one of the most important events in all of (fictional) history. If such a thing is of the slightest interest to you, I must insist you continue reading.

I was just returning home from an impromptu trip to the supermarket when it happened. It was a sunny morning and a sharp breeze blew against my face, most likely the last goodbye from spring as summer rolled oh so threateningly around the corner. I strolled leisurely up to to the apartment door with a practically weightless plastic bag in my hand. When I opened the door my sister was there lounging on the couch. She looked up at me expectantly.

“Did you get the stuff?” she asked.

“I’m not a drug dealer, Cassidy!” I said. I sighed deeply as my hand flew dramatically to my brow. My sister blinked, her expression hadn’t changed I noted with some annoyance.

“How can I even hope to believe you with those shifty eyes?!” she suddenly exclaimed in a high pitched voice. She bolted to her feet. “I don’t even know you anymore!” She stood like that for a couple seconds before plopping down again. “Cassidy?”

“You should’ve been a Cassidy, I’ve been meaning to tell you,” I explained. A symphony of crinkling erupted as the bag lifted in front of me. “I got it.”

“Aaah yes the precious supplies for the john, the loo, the throne room,” my sister murmured, stroking the bag. I was mid-way through the forming of a disgusted expression when my eyes narrowed in observation.

“The throne room?”

“Yeah, that’s what they call it.”

I paused. Did she even know what this meant? I wondered. I jerked the bag away and hurried towards the restroom. She couldn’t be trusted with this kind of power.

Once I was safely inside the beige barricades of the bathroom I felt an odd calmness flow over me. I leaned back against the door and reached into the bag.

“If this is the throne room but we all have one...I guess that means nobody rules,” I whispered, staring at the pure white toilet paper in front of me. It was double-ply. “Until now.”

I started at a sudden bang on the door and an accompanying whisper. “What are you whispering about?”

Later that day I hopped confidently down the stairs and onto the sidewalk, the double-ply toilet paper that was my new crown stuffed into my purse. I had decided I would be a kind, invisible queen, spreading good deeds throughout the land. My first destination: the local park.

It was the weekend and just as I expected, the park was bustling full of people. My first heroic action took place immediately upon entering the gate. A young woman, whose path was blocked by a puddle of water, was very obviously in despair. I swept in and tore off a couple sheets, valiantly tossing them over the precarious puny pond. The woman stared at me. This kind of chivalrous act doesn’t happen often anymore so I understood when she abashedly skirted around the water and walked away without saying a word; however, the toilet paper seemed depressed and sank into the water. I gave the roll a light pat and continued on my way.

I spent hours offering a helping square this way. To little kids who direly needed napkins for their ice cream cones, people awkwardly stuck in public bathrooms, and many more. In one specific instance I tried to give one to a man who was very forcefully insisting he hadn’t just broken up with his girlfriend and didn’t need the tissue or my number...explaining the five stages of grief didn’t sway him either. Ignoring that one unsuccessful attempt, I was quite pleased with myself as I began waddling home. I had no idea my world was only just beginning to change.

A scream shot through the air, stopping me in my tracks. I whirled around to see a shadowy figure standing against the dusk skyline. The scream sounded again, startling me into action. I ran towards the piercing noise and it finally began to turn into a single coherent word.

“Bear!!!”

“Well frick, so it is!” I shouted. I could see much more clearly now and the shadowy figure had disappeared, leaving a giant brown bear to tower over the screaming woman and now me in its place. I panicked, forgetting any and all facts and even rumors I’d ever learned about what to do in a bear attack. Out of instinct I reached for the toilet paper in my bag and chucked it. Thud. It smacked unceremoniously against the bear’s snout. I gasped in utter horror and confusion. “Why did I do that?!?”

The soft cylinder fell to the ground and rolled in front of my feet. I hesitantly reached down to grab it, keeping constant eye contact with the bear. I was clutching the roll tightly now and the bear still hadn’t moved. Why…suddenly it clicked. I slowly turned to the woman who for some reason was still just standing there.

“Do you know how soft this is?” I asked.

“W-what?”

“Haven’t you seen the commercials?! How soft is this toilet paper??”

“I...I don’t know!”

“It’s ultra soft.”

A deep rumble sounded from the bear. Soon dozens, hundreds, maybe even thous--okay maybe only like five bears--were adding to the cacophony as they barreled out of the forest. Every one of them stopped before me and bowed their heads. I slowly walked forward and reached my hand out to the nearest bear. It snuffed softly against my skin. I closed my eyes for a moment, absorbing the situation.

“Um…” the woman murmured. I looked back at her.

“Oh. You’re still here, huh? Very well, you’ll be the first to know. There’s a new overlord in town.”

“Who?”

“M-me...I’m the new overlord.”

“Why?”

I stared at her, my brow furrowed. I shuffled over to the side of the biggest bear and straddled it like a horse. “I have a bear,” I stated with a grand gesture to the fluffy beast’s head. I didn’t wait for a response and instead began travelling back to the sidewalk with my fleet of bears.

The next morning I returned once again to the local park. I trundled to the center of the playground on my bear steed, who I’d dubbed Sir Deathkill. I looked out upon my intensely panicked subjects and sighed.

“AHEM! Peasants, peasants please,” I said. “There is no need to panic! This will be a calm and easy world domination, no injuries required.”

The crowd began to settle as they warily accepted the bears would do them no harm. One very rude young man piped up. “You can’t do that.”

I blinked in surprise. I straightened my back, looking down indignantly at the teenager. I reached back for my trusty bathroom tissue, fully equipped with a comment on his snottiness. Nothing. There was nothing? How could there be none left? Was the toilet paper cape going too far? I glanced at the beautiful garment and smiled. No, it wasn’t too far.

While I was contemplating these things the crowd had gone mad. Yelling things like “Get off the fountain!” “Tell the bear to stop licking my child!” I tightened my grip on the cardboard core, all that was left of my double-ply dream. It worked once before, it’ll work again, I told myself before throwing it with all my might into the crowd. It landed with a magical bonk directly on the first mutineer’s head. Silence permeated the area.

“This is how it is now,” I announced in a loud voice. “Come, Sir Wuffles.” (I decided to change Sir Deathkill’s name). I went on like this until soon my power had spread throughout every country...and that my friends, is how I conquered the world with a single roll of toilet paper.

Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }

The Porcelain Throne
This is a story of kindness, bravery, and one of the most important events in all of (fictional) history. If such a thing is of the slightest interest to you, I must insist you continue reading.

I was just returning home from an impromptu trip to the supermarket when it happened. It was a sunny morning and a sharp breeze blew against my face, most likely the last goodbye from spring as summer rolled oh so threateningly around the corner. I strolled leisurely up to to the apartment door with a practically weightless plastic bag in my hand. When I opened the door my sister was there lounging on the couch. She looked up at me expectantly.

“Did you get the stuff?” she asked.

“I’m not a drug dealer, Cassidy!” I said. I sighed deeply as my hand flew dramatically to my brow. My sister blinked, her expression hadn’t changed I noted with some annoyance.

“How can I even hope to believe you with those shifty eyes?!” she suddenly exclaimed in a high pitched voice. She bolted to her feet. “I don’t even know you anymore!” She stood like that for a couple seconds before plopping down again. “Cassidy?”

“You should’ve been a Cassidy, I’ve been meaning to tell you,” I explained. A symphony of crinkling erupted as the bag lifted in front of me. “I got it.”

“Aaah yes the precious supplies for the john, the loo, the throne room,” my sister murmured, stroking the bag. I was mid-way through the forming of a disgusted expression when my eyes narrowed in observation.

“The throne room?”

“Yeah, that’s what they call it.”

I paused. Did she even know what this meant? I wondered. I jerked the bag away and hurried towards the restroom. She couldn’t be trusted with this kind of power.

Once I was safely inside the beige barricades of the bathroom I felt an odd calmness flow over me. I leaned back against the door and reached into the bag.

“If this is the throne room but we all have one...I guess that means nobody rules,” I whispered, staring at the pure white toilet paper in front of me. It was double-ply. “Until now.”

I started at a sudden bang on the door and an accompanying whisper. “What are you whispering about?”

Later that day I hopped confidently down the stairs and onto the sidewalk, the double-ply toilet paper that was my new crown stuffed into my purse. I had decided I would be a kind, invisible queen, spreading good deeds throughout the land. My first destination: the local park.

It was the weekend and just as I expected, the park was bustling full of people. My first heroic action took place immediately upon entering the gate. A young woman, whose path was blocked by a puddle of water, was very obviously in despair. I swept in and tore off a couple sheets, valiantly tossing them over the precarious puny pond. The woman stared at me. This kind of chivalrous act doesn’t happen often anymore so I understood when she abashedly skirted around the water and walked away without saying a word; however, the toilet paper seemed depressed and sank into the water. I gave the roll a light pat and continued on my way.

I spent hours offering a helping square this way. To little kids who direly needed napkins for their ice cream cones, people awkwardly stuck in public bathrooms, and many more. In one specific instance I tried to give one to a man who was very forcefully insisting he hadn’t just broken up with his girlfriend and didn’t need the tissue or my number...explaining the five stages of grief didn’t sway him either. Ignoring that one unsuccessful attempt, I was quite pleased with myself as I began waddling home. I had no idea my world was only just beginning to change.

A scream shot through the air, stopping me in my tracks. I whirled around to see a shadowy figure standing against the dusk skyline. The scream sounded again, startling me into action. I ran towards the piercing noise and it finally began to turn into a single coherent word.

“Bear!!!”

“Well frick, so it is!” I shouted. I could see much more clearly now and the shadowy figure had disappeared, leaving a giant brown bear to tower over the screaming woman and now me in its place. I panicked, forgetting any and all facts and even rumors I’d ever learned about what to do in a bear attack. Out of instinct I reached for the toilet paper in my bag and chucked it. Thud. It smacked unceremoniously against the bear’s snout. I gasped in utter horror and confusion. “Why did I do that?!?”

The soft cylinder fell to the ground and rolled in front of my feet. I hesitantly reached down to grab it, keeping constant eye contact with the bear. I was clutching the roll tightly now and the bear still hadn’t moved. Why…suddenly it clicked. I slowly turned to the woman who for some reason was still just standing there.

“Do you know how soft this is?” I asked.

“W-what?”

“Haven’t you seen the commercials?! How soft is this toilet paper??”

“I...I don’t know!”

“It’s ultra soft.”

A deep rumble sounded from the bear. Soon dozens, hundreds, maybe even thous--okay maybe only like five bears--were adding to the cacophony as they barreled out of the forest. Every one of them stopped before me and bowed their heads. I slowly walked forward and reached my hand out to the nearest bear. It snuffed softly against my skin. I closed my eyes for a moment, absorbing the situation.

“Um…” the woman murmured. I looked back at her.

“Oh. You’re still here, huh? Very well, you’ll be the first to know. There’s a new overlord in town.”

“Who?”

“M-me...I’m the new overlord.”

“Why?”

I stared at her, my brow furrowed. I shuffled over to the side of the biggest bear and straddled it like a horse. “I have a bear,” I stated with a grand gesture to the fluffy beast’s head. I didn’t wait for a response and instead began travelling back to the sidewalk with my fleet of bears.

The next morning I returned once again to the local park. I trundled to the center of the playground on my bear steed, who I’d dubbed Sir Deathkill. I looked out upon my intensely panicked subjects and sighed.

“AHEM! Peasants, peasants please,” I said. “There is no need to panic! This will be a calm and easy world domination, no injuries required.”

The crowd began to settle as they warily accepted the bears would do them no harm. One very rude young man piped up. “You can’t do that.”

I blinked in surprise. I straightened my back, looking down indignantly at the teenager. I reached back for my trusty bathroom tissue, fully equipped with a comment on his snottiness. Nothing. There was nothing? How could there be none left? Was the toilet paper cape going too far? I glanced at the beautiful garment and smiled. No, it wasn’t too far.

While I was contemplating these things the crowd had gone mad. Yelling things like “Get off the fountain!” “Tell the bear to stop licking my child!” I tightened my grip on the cardboard core, all that was left of my double-ply dream. It worked once before, it’ll work again, I told myself before throwing it with all my might into the crowd. It landed with a magical bonk directly on the first mutineer’s head. Silence permeated the area.

“This is how it is now,” I announced in a loud voice. “Come, Sir Wuffles.” (I decided to change Sir Deathkill’s name). I went on like this until soon my power had spread throughout every country...and that my friends, is how I conquered the world with a single roll of toilet paper.