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Published: 2005-06-27 01:56:20 +0000 UTC; Views: 152; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 6
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Description
That no-name deli selling blue rosesreminded me of you and your eighth-grade self,
of nights spent warm against the cold
in a five-dollar sweatshirt and armed with the
knowledge that you loved me, of days spent
wondering how I lost my control
and sunburnt summer confessions.
These roses, they didn't seem dyed;
it was as if they grew up through cracked
glittering pavement and into perfect form
just a little bit different than the others.
Funnily enough, oddities usually bring
prices down; remnants sold in fabric shops
and dented cans of creamed corn are sold
for far less than half price because they aren't normal.
But the blue roses cost more than the red,
and maybe it was the magic of New York in summer
or the transformative power of memory,
but for just one moment in the continuum,
I was back in a snowstorm with you.
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Comments: 9
diamondie [2005-06-28 15:56:13 +0000 UTC]
There's something weird about the structure of the ending of the first stanza (just like with the structure of this sentence!), but other than that I'm really liking your changes, especially the ending.
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car1ita [2005-06-28 03:57:49 +0000 UTC]
I like how this sounds like a reflection and not too dramatic. The first stanza is my favourite-great imagery.
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El-Coolness [2005-06-27 22:30:46 +0000 UTC]
i loved it and would agree with most of the points, but perhaps "fucked up" should stay, I liked it there, I can't explain why.
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fragilemacabre In reply to El-Coolness [2005-06-27 22:33:41 +0000 UTC]
I think I'm going to change it, but thanks.
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diamondie [2005-06-27 08:06:11 +0000 UTC]
I like this one, the narrative tone sounds mature and the poem doesn't get cheesy or whiny despite its subject. I like the way you've used the roses in the imagery. The structure is good too, perhaps the ending is a bit forced (like you had decided you have to mention "blue roses" on the last line).
I also wish the title was more creative, you could keep either "blue" or "roses" but preferably not both. Then again many people like obvious titles like this. "Fucked up" doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the language. The repetition of "sold" in the second stanza is slightly bothersome.
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fragilemacabre In reply to diamondie [2005-06-27 18:57:34 +0000 UTC]
I think I'll actually fix this one up. I had an idea based on reading your comment earlier, when I couldn't reply.
Your comments mean a whole lot to me. Thank you, Maija.
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