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Fyres-Descent — Regression
Published: 2012-07-05 05:55:06 +0000 UTC; Views: 193; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 4
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Description My heart falls to oblivion,
and the darkness starts to steep.
My mind follows soon after,
No longer afraid of these shadows that creep.

I rest in this peaceful nothing,
Praying for no end.
The cool caress of this twilight,
Is surely my one God-send.

Never a more curious feeling was pondered,
Like a nightmare you don't want to quit.
I wonder of this silent heaven,
Where never a light has been lit.

I question the things that might lurk here,
The tragedies that might befall.
Sometimes I yearn for an image,
I see everything yet nothing at all.

At first this was peace and tranquility,
A safe haven for me to reside.
Now it's a cruel form of torture,
Where the worst is most always implied.

My soul will forever now dwell here,
In this place of smothering sin.
I have become an unknow creature,
So the outside will not let me in.
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Comments: 9

LightOverpowers58 [2012-07-06 03:32:43 +0000 UTC]

Excellent work! I only have a view comments/concerns about this piece:

For the poem as a whole, I recommend rechecking the punctuation you used and how you used it. It does help the poem read easier in certain areas but in others it creates a bit of a shaky effect. In addition bolding and italicizing the first word of a line can emphasis the line and make it stand out to the reader more, making the lines that are a continuation or sub idea does the same thing, so does indenting too.

Your third and fourth lines in the first stanza are a bit of a mouthful, condensing them while still keeping their basic structure would help solve that problem.

Omitting the word one in the final line of your second stanza or revamping the structure of the line would help that verse end and lead into the next verse a bit better. It would allow the words to roll off the readers tongue and provide a better flow for your poem.

The first two lines of your third stanza read jerkily, perhaps because of your use of the word like in the second line and the sheer wordiness of your first line. The message you wanted to show is clear but that doesn't mean it couldn't be improved.

The third line of your final stanza uses the word unknow, did you mean for this to be unknown?

Your poem is an amazing read and I only typed all I did for your benefit, the poem is pretty good as it is now. Sorry for typing so much but this poem has so much potential, I just couldn't pass it by ^_^

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Fyres-Descent In reply to LightOverpowers58 [2012-07-06 03:43:43 +0000 UTC]

Thanks much for the criticism.

I appreciate the help on the punctuation and form of this poem, but this is the way that I have written since joining deviantART last year, so thank you for the feedback but I am going to continue to write in this way.

I did realize how odd that seemed and had wanted to condense it, but had trouble finding a way to.

Thanks again, I struggled with this decision but have decided to remove that word from that line.

I know, this goes the same as the third and fourth lines in the first stanza.

Yes, thanks for pointing out that typo. God, typos, stay away from me!

I don't mind all the typing as I'm always looking for something to type in response to. I hope that this reply didn't come out seeming rude or spiteful, that was not what I was going for.

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LightOverpowers58 In reply to Fyres-Descent [2012-07-06 03:48:30 +0000 UTC]

Haha no I understand that you are simply replying to an overly wordy comment ^_^ and not to be disrespectful but deviantArt is a community for growth, it is a bit hard to grow if you stick to the same way of writing, again not to be rude.

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Fyres-Descent In reply to LightOverpowers58 [2012-07-06 03:56:02 +0000 UTC]

I understand, and since joining deviantART I certainly have grown. I have become comfortable sharing my artwork, something that I never did before. My talent has certainly progressed, as you will see if you look at my earlier pieces, though you'd have to look at the dates because they got switched around and so are no longer in order. I have also expanded my horizons, so to speak. I would never have written anything other than Traditional Fixed Forms in the past, and now have the occasional odd Haiku or Free Verse poem in my gallery. I have also "met" many new people. Therefore, I have grown. That is just one way that I do not WANT to grow in, at least for the moment.

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LightOverpowers58 In reply to Fyres-Descent [2012-07-06 04:02:04 +0000 UTC]

Okay, I understand, may I ask why?

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Fyres-Descent In reply to LightOverpowers58 [2012-07-06 04:11:47 +0000 UTC]

Yes, you may! Haha, I suppose that that's a politer way to ask, hm? Worry not, o' web surfer, I don't think you're rude. I'm 13, I've got plenty of time to hold grudges and think that other people are rude! I'm not exactly sure why, it's just something that I'm comfortable with and most people that look at my work seem to enjoy. It'll probably evolve over time, as everything does, but for now I like it.

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LightOverpowers58 In reply to Fyres-Descent [2012-07-06 04:13:46 +0000 UTC]

Haha okay then and wow you have quite a lot of skill for a thirteen year old (no offense meant)!

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Fyres-Descent In reply to LightOverpowers58 [2012-07-06 04:19:25 +0000 UTC]

Oh, none taken! I will take that compliment and put it into my pocket to show off to a bunch of strangers. Lol

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LightOverpowers58 In reply to Fyres-Descent [2012-07-06 04:24:33 +0000 UTC]

Haha okay ^_^

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