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Published: 2011-01-13 01:08:48 +0000 UTC; Views: 143; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 0
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Description
Outside the snow falls softly to the ground, hitting the window as silent as air itself. Inside the tiny apartment, occupancy for one, someone lies sleeping in a warm bed. Peacefully, silently, she sleeps the night away, not knowing that tomorrow she'll look out to see everything covered in the white rain. It's the first snow.Inside the apartment, everything is still. She cleaned up the kitchen, leaving a towel crumpled up on the counter. White, like the snow. The rest of the place is cluttered, but not unduly. On the whole, it looks like a place where a person lives and works and could be happy. It's not bare or dirty. It's quiet, peaceful, and homey.
She wakes up in the morning and looks around. It snowed last night.
"Great," she mutters. Another rotten day to walk in.
She goes out to the kitchen and looks around. Same way I left it, she thinks. Why do I stay here?
She gets the mail from the floor. There's a letter there for someone else. She throws it in the bin. Doesn't live here anymore, she thinks angrily. She slams the door behind her as she leaves, the rooms echoing with her forcefulness.
There's a picture hidden under the towel on the counter, glass shattered in the frame. Two people, not one, in the photograph. Two people, wearing rings. Two lives, shattered more than the glass which covers them.
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Comments: 6
Otulissa3 [2011-01-16 01:08:09 +0000 UTC]
I think the writing is satisfactory. It would be interesting to read more about the character or to hear from the the other person in the picture. It flows fine, I can imagine the opening scene with the house and the woman sleeping. I liked the line about "Doesn' live here anymore" It adds to the line "Great!" and makes me feel she is rather upset with something. Done better? I have to say I like it fine the way it is.
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HackNScript In reply to Otulissa3 [2011-01-16 03:37:44 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! Your feedback makes me a happy writer.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
04belgarion2k7 [2011-01-13 20:13:33 +0000 UTC]
Beautifully written.
Do you see what I'm going for?
Yes. If you're going for the story of a woman's life destroyed/ruined by some sort of misfortune in love. I think it's vry powerful in portraying that.
Does it have some impact?
I think it does: the contrast between the purity of the snow and peacefulness of her sleep with the shattered glass is profound, giving your writing a good depth.
Is the writing satisfactory?
I think it's beautifully written and displays a talent for prose...I like the contrasts you've put into it and your descriptions and well done. I'd probably put the bit where she's thinking to herself in italics or something to make it stand out and obvious.
Does it flow?
The first two paragraphs do, but then I think it falls apart a little when you start using one line paragraphs. I think that, after the description of the snowflakes falling and the amount of detail you put in there, you need to describe the kitchen, her waking up and her feelings a little bit more.
What do you like/hate about it?
I really enjoyed reading it, I don't think there are any glaring mistakes in it and, on the whole, it looks like a good piece of writing.
What could be done better?
As mentioned, it could maybe be a bit longer and more inclusive of details.
That answer your questions? I really enjoyed reading it, it's well written and you obviously have a talent here, as well as a good gri of narratives and cliff hangers
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
HackNScript In reply to 04belgarion2k7 [2011-01-13 20:49:51 +0000 UTC]
Wow. Thank you for the actual feedback. I can see what you're saying about making it longer. Eventually, I'm going to put up an edit of this and I will definitely include your suggestions.
Again, thank you so much for the feedback. It helps me a lot.
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04belgarion2k7 In reply to HackNScript [2011-01-13 20:56:15 +0000 UTC]
No problems, I know how much feedback helps so I try and give and where possible
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