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halcyonapperception —
antebirth
Published: 2006-07-31 02:22:55 +0000 UTC; Views: 1881; Favourites: 40; Downloads: 10
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Description
antebirthI. the thump of my
blood began as a nervous twitch
flinching up one vein,
capped like a straw, and pressured
without an end, just a thimble of blood
beating on a string
II. my body hair comes next,
little buoys on a sea of skin,
struggling to build distance
III. from the embryo
a rhetorical prayer,
i can feel it in the air 'neath my tongue,
a flat lung
mom's tongue is pregnant, lifts in gentle kicks,
a frog breathing 'neath a mouthwhite sheet
remember that day on the horse farm
you found a feather frog,
its soapskin flaked, its skeleton forewarned
the coming of the translucent wood
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Comments: 18
A remarkable concept for a poem, it really does build up the anticipation by adding more scenic words and captivating verbs to deepen the core of this piece. Great job and congrats!
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this is deftly written.
I love love the fact this poem is unusual, but the imagery is quite amazing. I love that first stanza.. i could see that blood bursting into the new life it creates. the individual being formed within.
i agree with a commentor above that there are elements of other-ness about the final stanza.. though i love the imagery here. it is unclear to the reader (well to this one) exactly what you are referring to.. mainly because i did not know what a feather frog was? so it perhaps lost something for me there because i wanted to know what this image represented... but that is my ignorance not your writing
i love the picture of the 'transulcent wood'. beautiful.
thanks for sharing. really good piece!
what a miracle is the knitting together of new life in a mother's womb. ps139
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This is so amazing...I really have no advice.
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An intense, yet, gentle poem. I really adore the way you expressed the imagery. I've quite possibly read it about 10 ten times in the last five minutes!
Thankyou for sharing this!
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You've really hit something special with your imagery. It's like watching creation before my very eyes. Absolutely lovely.
Congrats on the well-deserved DD, as well!
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Wow, this deserves more comments.
I'm not so sure what classifies as an 'advanced critique' but I just felt the need to say how much I liked this piece of work. I don't usually enjoy work like this but this is just so good!
The part about the 'rhetorical prayer' is just wonderful!
Well done!
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...Beautifully put...
I feel as if entwined in a mothers womb by just reading this..
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Abortion?
Yes? No?
No matter,
This is absolute bliss my comrade, and I am sorry that many will fail at mustering the cells to fully breath the essence of this piece.
I have never seen a literary piece I thought deserved a DD until now.
Congratulations.
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where are your adoring fans? here is my advanced critique.
your title refers to what i can only assume to be amniotic fluid. it puts me in mind of the speaker as infant, so you've established your setting with one word and that's damn commendable. "The pump of my blood" seems like awkward phrasing. It's easily ten times longer than it needs to be, but I think you're going for aural value here. i only don't think you've quite achieved it. make that line more spare. i love the "nervous twitch" and i have a crush on
"a thimble of blood
beating on a string"
"i can imagine the" at the beginning of the second stanza does this poem a disservice by jerking the reader out of the moment and making them feel a little foolish. it almost turns gestation into a sort of fairy laaaaand. eliminate or change that because i love what follows. The word buoys ought to be in every poem ever. it is the best sounding word. you should say it aloud right now. it is even better than the word "twelve" which is a lovely word. I think the phrase "over months" is superfluous.
the third section comes apart at the seams for lacking concrete images almost entirely. it leaves the poem visually unbalanced.
I am jealous that you used the phrase "my mother's pregnant tongue" without it coming off tired. I am divided over "mouthwhite sheet" and that's all I can say.
The final stanza has something odd going on with "horsefarm" "soapskin" and "forewarned" and I can't quite put my finger on it. I might prefer to see "horse farm" as two words. I think the "feather frog" is a flattened and dried frogskin, at least I hope it is because that's a lovely brittle image. However, this just feels like a different poem. What happened to all this fetal imagery? I'm willing to believe that my lack of sleep is causing me to miss something.
Your author comment is unnecessary, as your poem speaks delightfully for itself. I shall certainly get to your other two poems and I can't wait to look at your drawings.
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I lied. I think I'll visit this today.
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please let me know when you do.
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wow. I'm glad someone has bothered to actually critique my work. I've been waiting years, so thank you! I agree with most of your suggestions, but this was a rather personal poem that I'm not sure I can change for that reason. I may return.
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I promise I'll get to the others as well. Perhaps even now.
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JP...JP...my favorite part is the last stanza. The way you write is so fluid and soft, every word caresses the other one. Sometimes I may not understand what you are intending to display, but it truly takes me on a ride.
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Hey buddy! Thanks!
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