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Published: 2004-07-03 03:32:11 +0000 UTC; Views: 359; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 76
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The Sleeper7-2-04
David Lacy
Time slips by,
Like night on the eyes of the sleeper.
Silently and swiftly,
As you delve even deeper.
Following what is not there,
Until you make yourself aware.
Take hold,
Grasp what is before you.
Open your eyes,
While they are still closed.
A book,
Holding a story, even while itβs shut.
Your eyes,
Covering the pages of the mind.
The subconscious,
Folds in the fabric of time.
Folding over,
Hiding the secrets of the beyond.
Open eyes,
Collecting clues for the keys.
Hidden chests,
Buried deep within and without.
Swallowing maps,
Leading to where they are.
Extending sensory,
Beyond the bluing of decay.
Eyes open,
To the secrets that waiting lay.
Dusty paths,
Winding on forever.
Pathogens,
Guiding into fruitless ambition.
Peeling back,
Eye open, now it can see.
Ravenous search,
Speeds onward in the direction.
Rigorous focus,
Breaching the walls of perception.
Above all,
Entering the next chamber.
New reality,
Another level of awareness.
Finding truth,
Looking at it in the face.
Knowing god,
He is an equal, move on to the next.
Open the eyes of The Sleeper.
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Comments: 10
ha...
haven't read this in a long time. i like to go back and remember such things. other people's comments on this are so right, but so wrong at the same time. it's humorus in a way.
this truly is still a favorite piece of mine, and so i grant you a favorite once more in this newer embodiment of creative energy...
manna flakes amidst the dew tell me what am i supposed to do! Tell me teacher of the oldest school that we are not alone.
staring into an empty
bottle full of answers,
the chilling flame keeps seeking love in kitten's cradle
look at her. she seems content with life and fire in a ladle
it's all connected, but for some reason it's hard to remember everything that transpired...a dream...maybe.
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For a first, this is really good! I love the two-line stanza setup you got here, as it is something you don't see all that much, and that's cool
Plus, your first submitted written work has my name in it...definitely a plus
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Just btw, I tend to critique from more of a technical perspective. I stay away from the emotional aspects because I find it easier to analyze things that way and it's also how I operate in my normal life.
With that said;
The two line stanza system is interesting - it seems to give the poem a slightly faster pace. However, I believe that by choosing that system, you should've gone deeper into it and worked out either a solid rhyming scheme, a syllable scheme, or both. I personally believe that poetry is meant be read aloud. I think that a bit more structure would've helped a lot with the two line stanza system; since each stanza is so short, if you give it rhyme, meter, or both, you can greaty increase the attractiveness of each stanza on the reader. A completely free-flowing piece, however, shouldn't be limited to just a static number of lines for each stanza.
I hope that made sense to you. Things I write this time of night tend to...have a few holes.
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Also, note that I'm telling you to "manufacture" your poetry. It's basically just editng; a change of a word here and there, etc, though in some cases, you'll find you'll need to make more drastic changes. The trick is, of course, to keep the meaning intact. Some poets have a thing against doing this - they believe it "dillutes" or "corrupts" the original poem, which was, in many cases, written "straight from the heart". However, I know that many famous poets practiced this type of "editing" and I personally see nothing wrong with it. After all, you should combine your heart and brain for greatest effect.
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Wow. Just so you know I'm not good at this whole criticing thing.. but.. this piece really I don't know, it's like it just glows with intrigue, depth, and has a wonderfuly rythem.
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when one can understand the inspiration behind artwork, one is more susceptible to the true meaning of the artwork. i'm glad to be able to fully understand what you are saying, and i would encourage other's to "delve deeper".
check out exodous, deuteronomy, genesis, and john, and revelations
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dude, i'm not much of a critic...but I just feel something from this...so...in depth...so deep. shit...you better keep writing...other wise i'll track you down and make you write *laughs* this is great! and i"m gonna fave it.
if you have the time, and want to, check out some of mine...
keep it up
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Thanks man, that means alot to me. I'm going to be writing more and hopefully it will get better as I go.
I will check out your stuff, I'm not on much but I'll try to get through all of it.
Again, thanks for the comment and the +Fav.
-David
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I really like the way the rhyming of it flows. Keep up the good writing, id like to see more.
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Thanks, I really appreciate it.
I hope to produce more in the near future.
Hopefully I've got my writing back and the block will be gone.
Thanks again for the comments, if you know anyone else with an intelligent critique, send them my way. I'm working on my style an my legitimacy as a writer. So, any critiques are more than welcome.
-David
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