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LazyLinePainterJohn — Theme and variations
Published: 2005-09-24 01:13:31 +0000 UTC; Views: 841; Favourites: 7; Downloads: 10
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.Today I saw a young man with a cello. He
sat primed and alert for some minutes while
the CD orchestra strode firmly to his stave.
Drawing his bow, he groaned the strings in
catgut agony the space of one fuzzing bar.
Sheepishly returning the baton to 00:00, he
shrug-smiled and glanced at his earnings.
Today I saw a nun on a bicycle. It seemed
the perfect conjugation of woman and machine,
that in the harmony of holy tendons and well-
kept gears was the promise of some brand-
new enlightenment. Though I wonder if two nuns
on a bicycle might offer a still-greater epiphany,
especially if they were going really fast.
Today I saw a troubled saxophonist. Amid the
quickstep charivari and bending district, he
curled beardily against a wall, and nestled a
sign in the gloom: I have no money for a ticket
home. I have hired this instrument. I need food.
In its velveteen slump the saxophone agreed:
"It's all true, bub. And also my back hurts."
Today I saw a fat man chase a pigeon. He
grope-strode in a furious pudge, gurning at
the alien exertion that listed his ferocious
belly to uncomfortable stations. The pigeon
mocked his righteous girth, with its peculiarly
squabbish evil, the length of six sweaty slap-
steps before alighting in beady satisfaction.
Today I saw a girl sing Schubert in the
Florentine gloaming. She claimed the
alleyway in supernal thrill, a manumission
of gliding wonder for the price of small
coins and a later bus. Look, she said:
I can ride this arrow with just your moments and my
own reins. I am not lucky. I am my own invention.
.
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Comments: 32
Your nun stanze seems like the lead in to some kind of hilarious joke.
What's funnier than a nun on a bicycle?
TWO nuns!
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The nun one is the only one I still like. It was an amazing experience.
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it would have been.
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beardily=awesome adverb Really, the whole stanza about the saxophonist was so good. I also quite liked the phrase "groaned the strings in catgut agony." Also also, I've been trying to figure out how to write some of the interesting, eyecatching little oddities I've seen lately, and the press of that on my mind adds to how much I like this poem.
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This must be the first time I've read this in six months, and you know what? I really don't like it. But beardily is a good word, I'll concede. Thanks for the comment.
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I love the glimpses on those characters' lives you provided me with in this poem. The imagery is so vivid, I can actually see those people walking around, intriguing me with their uniqueness. The man chasing pigeons reminds me of Venice right away.
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You've been? Ah, it's amazing, isn't it? I love these people, all of them. Their king is the man who paints pavements near the Rialto, except he has no paint. Or paintbrush. But he's got a piece of straw and an expression of absolute concentration. I love this guy and think he might be the greatest genius in human history (or at least, when I'm in the mood for breezy overexaggeration I do).
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I love it John. We've talked about nuns on bicycles and how charming they are. Also, I love all the musicians. I actually have a very romantic view of street musicians and would love to try it sometime. However...I'm afraid I might be horribly dissapointed so maybe I should just leave it as an unfulfilled fantasy...anyway...
The imagery in this is wonderful (makes me want to visit Italy even more). I love the humour (notice my extra 'u') it makes it yours, but because of content it also has a serious note to it. This is my first fave!
By the way... I laughed out loud when I read this in your comments: 'I wouldn't object to Johnny Depp. But he's not twitchy enough.' I agree. Completely
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John need I remind you that sleep is actually important? Please don't run yourself ragged. Anyway, Hugh Grant is twitchy, but not confidently twitchy and I know you hate him so I won't even go there...except that I just did. Hmmm...does he have to be English? Ha! Silly question, 'course he does. I'll have to ponder this and also watch more BBC America for tea-loving twitchy actors. x
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Try it! Zebrazebrazebra says it's fun, and she knows everything. Yes, those raisin-fuelled conversations about nuns, I remember them well. I'm delighted you like this, actually. A slimmer re-edit is pending, I hope that too meets with your approval. And for this to be your first fave! Well I am more flattered than the hour of 6am is flattered to see me awake.
Any twitchy actors in mind?
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Bravo, indeed. Though perhaps for different parts. All were good, though I had to read the cello and the pigeon a few times before I felt like I was getting them. The girl singing Shubert had me from the start, though, however heavily overmodifiered.
Wanna keep this one around, see what else you do with it.
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Thank you, very much. I've actually got another verse now, after another memorable musical experience yesterday. I'll run this through an edit soon, with appropriate deadheading of the florid bits.
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I'll look forward to seeing that.
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I love this in many, many violent ways. This:
"Today I saw a fat man chase a pigeon."
...may be one of the most wondrous phrases to grace the English language.
This piece deserves exclamation marks.
! ! !
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"!" indeed? Why, thank you muchly -- and that phrase was the first to be written in the poem. And I'm delighted to see you're spacing out your multiple exclamation marks, thus simultaeously embracing and distancing yourself from the excesses of punctuative emotion.
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I think (a very humble opinion) that this is bloody brilliant and just about the best thing I have ever read on DeviantArt - and I'm not just saying this as a sort of reciprocal back scratching (pleasant as that activity is).
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That is incredibly high praise, and I'm more flattered than I could hope to express at ten past two in the morning. Thanks so, so much -- praise from the writers I most admire is always wonderful.
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I had a moment of pigeony evil in Trafalgar Square today and thought of you.
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Today a friend of mine asked me what my favourite animal was. I didn't know, I said. Maybe the orang-utan. Or the squirrel. I have a lot of time for squirrels, insatiably destructive as they may be. "Squirrels?" Said my friend. "No, no, no! They're just flying rats."
And I thought of this post.
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Squirrels are rats with a good P.R. agency.
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What are you doing up so late? Are you poring over musty tomes or has something else pulled you out into the Venetian night (I can imaging you all Brideshead Revisited being poled between sinking Palazzo in a shrouded funery barge wearing a Domino and hobnobbing with a debauched aristocracy) I think Johnny Depp should play you in the film.
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Actually I was at home in northeast Canareggio (I love saying that), and too tired to go to bed quietly and not disturb my room-mate. I'm not wearing biscuits and my contact with debauched aristocracy tends to be limited to brushing past them as they stop in the middle of small bridges to check their maps, but as autumn swings into bloom (that's a stupid phrase but anyway) the city's getting mistier, the sinking palazzi yet more funereal. I love Venice.
I wouldn't object to Johnny Depp. But he's not twitchy enough. I'd nominate John Cusack. But I think all my male friends want John Cusack to play them in their biopic.
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"Though I did wonder if two nuns on a bicycle might have been an even greater epiphany, especially if they were going really fast." I laughed out loud.
"sheepishly returning the conductor to 00:00, with a sheepish shrug-smile and a glance at his earnings-bowl." Love the imagery. Reminds me of some people whom I've crossed paths with...
"She lanced forth beauty..." I feel "lanced" is too strong a word to use here... but there's the arrow metaphor later on... hmm.
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Thanks, yeah I'm happy with the nun-ruminations. Thanks!
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I love the nun on a bicycle one, because we saw a nun on a bicycle when I was in Vienna and it was the funniest thing ever. And the wistful little punchline is fantastic.
I like the cello one too, but I think the last three lines need something more to break them up than commas, or even one less comma. Right now it feels like 'and then this, and then this, and then this'...I ponder removing the comma after '00:00', or making it a new sentence at 'Before' and changing it to 'Then' or something. Just to break up the monotony a little bit. I also don't think you should repeat 'sheepish' - once is enough. I love 'strode forward to his stave', it really is a brilliant description of the openings of a lot of concertos.
I found the third and fourth overdone in terms of the imagery - like you were trying too hard. Were you trying to make sure all the lines were the same length? I find I often overdo the imagery when I'm trying to do that, because you're looking for words just to fill space. I also thought 'gilded gliding' was just...overkill alliteration and assonance at the same time, you know. On the other hand, the bit from the colon on in the fourth blew me away totally, because as you may or may not know singing on the streets for money is how I've earnt my keep and my Christmas presents every summer for about five years now. And while at times it's a bitch, when the over-testosteroned high school boys are out and think it's funny to heckle, but there are times when I think I wouldn't do anything else for the world. When little Asian grandmothers become overcome and rush up and kiss you. When passing weirdos tell you you're the voice of God. When you hit that A flat just perfectly and it resonates through the streets and you just feel - yes, like you're riding an arrow. And it's one that you've created, all by yourself.
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Yes, nuns on bicycles are wonderful. She really deserved a poem all to herself.
Thanks for the comments -- you're much better at this whole critiquing-lark than I am. What's here is first-draft, and I do have a tendency to throw things together without checking them very closely, especially at 3 in the morning. For instance, gilding came as a typo that I decided to keep, and I hadn't even noticed the repetition of sheepish. I'll tidy up those commas directly.
Actually, I was trying to make all the lines the same length, and I was just chucking in adjectives for the hell of it (on parts of the fourth one at least). I could probably do with another thing to say rather than just skimming my mental thesaurus. But I am delighted you liked the last bit -- it's my favourite too, which is why it's the last stanza.
Thanks for the various complimentary words too. As a rule of thumb, if you like something it's usually pretty good, so I'm gratified.
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Ah, that was no proper critique. Proper critiques are longer...
But I do my best, and I regret not having the time I'd like nowadays to spend on pieces like this. And ah, so it's not just me with the making-the-lines-even fascination - have you noticed that it's more of a deal with the double spacing than without? It is in my brain, anyway. Like a picture hung awry. Argh.
I'm not that specific in my tastes, really - but yes, I do like this, and I think it's quality as well (for I'll confess that often I like things that aren't quality, like piglets.) But you do have a little bit of cleaning up still to do, I feel - three in the morning is a nasty time. I'm happy to help out if you ever need something read!
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Actually, I do find the line-evening-up more important with double spacing. And making this even was just a whim. I think it looks better like this, though. Thanks for the pre-reading offer -- I'll give this a redraft and drop you a note before I put it up, if that suits? I'd return the offer instantly, but my critiques tend to be on the lame side.
And piglets are quality! Though I prefer depressive donkeys.
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Thank heavens it's not just me - but yes, I do think it looks good like this. No problem on the note, by the way, although it might take me a while to get to it, so feel free to keep poking me with other notes until I respond to the first.
I love piglets so. And the Perth Royal Agricultural Show is on this week - I've got my ticket to the piglet-patting all ready and raring to go. And are you thinking Winnie the Pooh? I just realised you probably were. I don't like that piglet...he doesn't vibrate and GROINK cutely when you pick him up.
Your comments, lame? Far from it! Don't make me poke some self-esteem into you! 'Cause you know I'll choose a really embarassing orifice, and then where will we all be? Hmm!?
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Winnie the Pooh is just one spiritual home of many. And as for my comments, they're the verbose equivalent of "nnggh -- nggghhh!" before I strike the favourite-button with my caveman's club. But your esteem-poking threat is duly noted. (clenches)
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Oh, I just saw your comment on needing a new title. Why not just swap it around and make it 'Theme and Variations' (as in the musical form)? It would tie in well with your three musicians.
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