expressive-girl [2008-09-02 19:26:26 +0000 UTC]

powerfull!

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NylaRossini [2008-06-03 03:18:20 +0000 UTC]

Oh I you took the words right out of my mouth.....

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CaciSuntBalcanica [2007-07-23 22:30:20 +0000 UTC]

I really like the poem..It's exactlly how I feel right now so it fits really well with my mood...Congrats

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Dalberon [2004-11-04 14:20:17 +0000 UTC]

I enjoyed both the poem and the picture. :smile:

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megiddohill [2004-09-28 19:00:28 +0000 UTC]

Hey that is alot more detailed in full-view.... love the eyes... conveys alot of emotion

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DivineSerenity [2004-07-17 17:59:57 +0000 UTC]

nicely written ...i can fully relate to your poem

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midgetgem [2004-06-08 18:51:18 +0000 UTC]

I'm seriously rubbish at critting poems, so I'll say its good and run away....

The image and the poem work really well together, and I know the feeling well- nice work from the two of you

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bleedingjupiter [2004-05-07 10:07:15 +0000 UTC]

i love urrrr workkk..ur so talented..

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confusedpom [2004-04-16 20:39:12 +0000 UTC]

so sad! makes me think to my own situations in relationships and wish something like this would never happen again but it does and it causes beautiful poetry such as this

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pbstock [2004-04-16 19:11:35 +0000 UTC]

this is a really splendid piece, subtle but direct and expressive.
kudos

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ShadedRain [2004-04-08 18:17:33 +0000 UTC]

Sounds like my last relationship... only he seemed to figure out what he was losing after a week and started calling me every day for 7 months until I moved to another state. Great write, great picture.

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darwin78clieo [2004-04-08 04:59:48 +0000 UTC]

wow when i looked at her i could feel her pain.......

its so brilliant

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speculative-one [2004-04-08 04:57:24 +0000 UTC]

Okay, well I'm gonna rip this a new one best I can because I don't think the feedback has been too constructive it appears. Yeah, I'm a constructivist I guess.

----------------------------
I sit here
by the window,
thinking on our so called 'love'.
And I must
tell you about,
the reality which came to me.

All the times
I wanted you,
you never tried to be around.
You made promises
on many things,
and you broke every single one.
----------------------------------

When was a *specific* time that you wanted the person, when they weren't around? A lonely night after a hard day? A birthday? The day your aunt died and you were all alone? Those things have impact. "All the times" is generic - where is the impact? Promises? What promises? I can't see the promises... show me the promises!

----------------------------
Often you said
you loved me,
except you never truly meant it.
When we loved
I gave myself,
though I know that you didn't.
---------------------------

How do you *know* the person never truly meant it? I don't know, after reading this poem... If you want me to know, you must tell me. *How* did you give yourself? *How* do you know the person didn't give of themselves?

-----------------------------
Now it's over
between us both,
but you could probably care less.
So I sit
scared and lonely,
with only my solitude as comfort.
-----------------------------

*What's* over? I don't know what you even had in the first place after reading this poem, because you never showed me what you had. (Also, lose the word "both" as it is redundant after you have said "between us.") "You could probably care less" is weak. Either replace it with something stronger or hit the good 'ole delete key.

Why are you sitting *scared?* There is nothing in the poem to justify this emotion. *What* are you scared of?

This poem is about sitting down and it takes the subject matter sitting down too. Make your poem take a stand!

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ice-baibei [2004-04-08 02:25:08 +0000 UTC]

Yet another amazing poem...

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anticrombie666 [2004-04-07 01:07:39 +0000 UTC]

sounds like you really were hurt by that. the picture is perfect for the poem. good job

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lzrelak [2004-04-06 13:51:16 +0000 UTC]

Very very good....I like it a lot. This is definitely exactly what I am going through with someone right now...it hits home very much so...

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rawkabella [2004-04-04 07:04:16 +0000 UTC]

that's a nice poem

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PunkGirlWWJD [2004-04-04 06:35:45 +0000 UTC]

that's awesome! the wording paints a picture...beautiful.

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KutieAngel [2004-04-03 21:16:59 +0000 UTC]

Wow that is great! But very depressing..but great!

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onewordatatime [2004-04-03 21:06:24 +0000 UTC]

Emotion is there, no doubt. Don't limit yourself or the poem with a rhyme or having precise structure. An exercise to try: Starting from scratch, write it all out; the situation, every detail of the environment you are in, what it reminds you of, specific colors, related verbs, etc. Once this is done, over a process of editing and editing and editing, structure will begin to be a stronger resource.

It's a female dog to write something over that you are happy with but a valuable lesson nonetheless. I strongly suggest it with this just as I suggest it to myself.

A lot of this critique will be repetitive but worth while if taken to heart.

I sit here
^Though I am not condemning the opening of a poem being like this, it's important to keep in mind that in order for a poem to be note-worthy, it has to be interesting. If you choose to go with uninteresting things such as sitting, it is not hard to turn around with a little detail, how are you sitting, where are you hands, are your eyes closed or open, etc. also, the word 'here' is unnecessary, watch out for those.

by the window,
thinking on our so called 'love'.
^A great concept to play with. Many many people have differing opinions and images they relate to 'love' - show the reader yours. give the reader an image. maybe something outside the window reminds you of the 'so called 'love''

For example, the opening lines could be written as such:
My legs cross
and crack like the window,
like our so called 'love'.

And I must
tell you about,
the reality which came to me.
^completely unnecessary. the reader does not need you to tell us what you're about to tell us. Telling the reader anything makes for uninteresting poetry. "Show, don't tell."

All the times
I wanted you,
^more telling. show the reader, how did you want him? with your lips perked on your shoulder so as not to forget what it's like to taste skin? give the reader something to digest.

you never tried to be around.
You made promises
on many things,
and you broke every single one.
^such as...

Often you said
you loved me,
except you never truly meant it.
^telling. how did he do so, how did you know? did the way his eyes blink and cut off his words show you he didn't care, how?

When we loved
I gave myself,
though I know that you didn't.
^again, how? how did you give yourself? did your back arch and bend to him, did you wrap your body around his finger? how?

Now it's over
between us both,
but you could probably care less.
^as I mentioned before about how you knew he didn't care, this would be a good opportunity to introduce repetition in your poetry. repeat that image here. The reader will immediately know what you're saying and it will reinforce the emotion.

So I sit
scared and lonely,
with only my solitude as comfort.
^again a good place for repetition, re-show the reader how you are sitting. has anything changed? have your legs, instead of being 'cracked,' now shattered? repetition is key in emotional poetry.

Of course, not all these critiques need to be applied to this poem, pick and choose what you like and play with it.

You have potential.

I'd like to see a revision of this, a complete transformation.

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undefinability [2004-04-03 10:07:25 +0000 UTC]

An abundance of "you" is very strong in this piece, and a few of them could be revised. Repeating the same word can often be taken with little intrigue, and therefore setting the judgment that it was all you could say. Expand the word usage in this with more meaning and depth, instead of keeping it simple to what you're trying to say.

That's what I thought with this, at least. I'm not saying it's bad, I just felt you could have done more with expressing yourself.

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drink-me-pretty [2004-04-02 18:07:48 +0000 UTC]

Very successful manip & collaboration

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southern5footer [2004-04-02 17:26:30 +0000 UTC]

god you are retelling emotions I have felt so many times before. beautifully written

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jamiesama [2004-04-02 00:13:51 +0000 UTC]

mew.... I can feel true emotions here. I can relate to it to.... I feel like that often

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