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Published: 2004-12-09 23:32:30 +0000 UTC; Views: 121; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 16
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Description
One mind shines,Head hung in self-reflection.
Grim examination
Of scars and dents
Of years within place, of
Offer of safety in light.
Beneath the ever-gazing eye
That once shone bright
One mind shines,
Head hung, neck bent in shame
Only wind still chases ghosts
Of ones that ran away before
Chased them, one by one, until
The eye stood all alone,
Itβs light cast upon the dark
In vain, for they are gone.
One mind shines,
Head hung, deserted.
Half hearted, and alone.
Drops that drip upon itβs foot
Tears fall, one by one, until
Scars are glossed over
And raindrops dance to
Refract the gaze away.
One mind shines,
Head hung within the night.
Flooded eyes, pouring tears
Upon the blackened pitch.
Puddles form, and
Teardrops splash
A lonely sound.
Echoes in the dark.
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Comments: 12
UsaniPanda [2004-12-14 03:26:41 +0000 UTC]
Hrm.. I like the words you use, and how everything is all.. written. I'm not in the right frame of mind for commenting, so I sorry. But 'tis nice.
π: 0 β©: 1
m32 In reply to UsaniPanda [2004-12-15 18:55:51 +0000 UTC]
It's okay, thanks for taking the time to read it.
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Jeans16 [2004-12-11 03:14:54 +0000 UTC]
Well i'm only going to brief on this poem, you know it's lovely you don't need to be told again
Awesome job!
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m32 In reply to Jeans16 [2004-12-11 07:14:32 +0000 UTC]
I never get tired of positive feedback. Thanks!
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nosugarjustanger [2004-12-10 12:07:23 +0000 UTC]
dude, this is awesome. the repetitions you use make the poem stronger and everything flows well... good job!
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m32 In reply to nosugarjustanger [2004-12-10 14:33:12 +0000 UTC]
Thanks! Glad you like it.
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Vhojre [2004-12-09 23:41:41 +0000 UTC]
this is great, flawless even, save for 2 things. is 'grimm' intentional, and I think 'splash' instead of 'splosh' would work better. Picky aren't I? But seriously, a very emotive take on such a dreary scene.
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m32 In reply to Vhojre [2004-12-10 00:59:55 +0000 UTC]
"Flawless," wow that's quite a compliment. Grimm was a typo, thanks for pointing that out. I used splosh instead of splash because I find splash to be kinda boring, now that I look at it I do think that splash would work better. Thank you for the helpful comment.
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JenniferStarling [2004-12-09 23:39:15 +0000 UTC]
Yes, I can see why chicks would dig this. Quite good, and AWESOME cover.
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m32 In reply to JenniferStarling [2004-12-10 00:33:48 +0000 UTC]
Thanks. I appreciate it.
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