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m32 — Living in an Empire
Published: 2005-06-05 08:03:22 +0000 UTC; Views: 90; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 2
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Description As I walked down the street
past the banks and the stores,
the skyscrapers rising.
I saw soldiers in neckties,
saw them give up their lives,
for the good of the empire.

Then I walked into a store
past the fixtures of weapons,
the bayonets shining.
I saw a man in a uniform,
with a smile to kill me,
for the good of the empire

He said, "Hi, may I maim you?"
I said, "Yeah, I think that you can.
I'm in the market to get shot,
as many times as I can."
He said, "Yes, of course, sir.
We have what you need."

So I followed him back,
to a shelf full of bullets,
picked them up and he said,
"You need these, they won't kill you
so you can come bleed again
for the good of the empire."

I gathered the rounds,
and walked to the firing range.
There was a girl there, real pretty,
waiting for me with a gun,
she smiled at me, lovely,
"Did you find everything fine?"

I said, "Yes, yes I did."
Then I gave her the ammo,
which she fed into the gun.
I watched her delicate hands,
as the safety clicked off,
and I paid fully in blood.

I walked home quite happy
having parted gladly with blood.
Even the stray drops on my jacked
Did not go to waste.
I gave them up at the blood bank,
for the good of the empire.

As I walked again past the soldiers
I smiled to myself -
the service was good,
we all shared in that pride,
that devotion to duty.
For the good of the empire.
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m32 - Sick
Comments: 4

UsaniPanda [2005-06-07 00:22:14 +0000 UTC]

Interesting, not your best work though.
Hmm... It doesn't flow, but I don't think thats the problem, its just, a little confusing. The concept is interesting, but there could have been more.
o.o
I tried.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

m32 In reply to UsaniPanda [2005-06-07 08:59:18 +0000 UTC]

Yargh, yeah, I shoul'd prolly scrap it, but I wanted some crit's and I don't get many as it is, so...

Thanks for the input though, it's kind of a different style then I'm used to - a narative, spoken-word-type-thing. I knew from the getgo that flow would be an issue 'cause in my ear it's spoken really slow, with lots of pauses (,) for effect. I don't know how well that translates into a writen poem though.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

UsaniPanda In reply to m32 [2005-06-07 23:55:00 +0000 UTC]


I get you.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

stlsrchng [2005-06-05 19:17:03 +0000 UTC]

Besides some minor flow problems this is actually pretty good. I like the part about soldiers in neckties. That was pretty cool. I love the concept. Good job!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0