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Published: 2006-02-12 05:50:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 239; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 5
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Renee sighed and took one last serene look over the cliff as the hot sun sank slowly to the desert horizon behind her. Takshan sprawled below, house porches and storefronts jutting out of the cliff faces in awkward tiers. Here and there the slick paint, bright banners, and flashing neon of advertisements broke the gray monotony of the rock face. Builders labored at the cliff side, carving out new expansions to the city and installing intricate hardware. Messengers and unassigned teens flitted about on silvery air vehicles, landing and taking off amid each other in a chaotic dance. Mothers watched their children play on their balconies hoping to catch the rare breeze in the stagnant summer air. Air conditioners and industrial fans sent a collective hum wavering up the cliff side. She heard someone clanging up the stairs , breaking her peaceful reverie. So much for being alone. She turned from the cliff and watched the hatch behind her squeak open.“Ren, you space cadet! I knew I’d find you hiding away up here!” The hatch to the top of the cliff clanged when the visitor threw it back onto its frame.
“Natana, I do believe you’re away up here hiding twice as often as I am.” Renee’s face blossomed with a smile. Natana was one of the girls from Renee’s rebel cell and was good company; she could always cheer Renee up. “You were rather loud today!”
Natana tossed a brown cloth sack on the ground and dropped herself next to Renee. “Well I couldn’t very well go surprising you, I’d probably get my head rolled halfway across the desert. I brought us some lunch,” Natana said nudging the sack with her foot, “and your hair kit.”
“Now why did you bring that?” Renee shot the sack a disgusted look and flipped her hood up. “I don’t use it. I can only roll heads a quarter way across the desert. I’d have to practice more to get enough power to send one all the way to the middle.”
“You’ll roll it all the way someday, I‘ll bet. You always were better at the martial arts than I was. ” Natana snatched the hood away from Renee’s hair. “And you may not use your hair kit, but I will! I’m tired of you hiding those beautiful tresses of yours like they’re a disease.”
Renee touched her hair and looked over her shoulder at Natana. There she saw the epitome of Takshani beauty. Red-gold hair and smooth, bronze skin set with dark brown eyes. Her friend looked as if she had been lovingly carved out of precious wood.
Her bright blue eyes fell upon the pale skin of her hand standing out against her jet black hair, and imagined a visage as plain as the granite-ore mined off the cliff.
“If I roll any heads, none of them will be yours, Nat.“ She put her jealousy aside and thrust her hand into the sack before Natana caught on to what she was thinking. She pulled the hair kit out and threw it wistfully over her shoulder, then proceeded to rifle through the food canisters in the sack.
“Don’t expect much in there.” Natana told her, opening the hair kit, “The food Markt is getting to be nothing but slim pickings. Blasted food shortage and all their nonsense. Doesn’t help that our food day is the last of the week, probably find better stuff in that thing.” Natana gestured with a hairbrush at a passing garbage collector. Matinence vehicles were about the only thing to pass this high on the cliff where only the landfill and the desert were accessible.
“It’s cruel to be left unassigned.” Renee answered, shaking a dented aluminum can next to her ear and looking at it quizzically. “But what can you do, no parents, no education, no background. We‘re no better than teenagers to the government, would you assign us?”
“They could let us compete fairly for the jobs, instead of their silly rating system.” Natana replied, pulling the largest brush through Renee’s hair. “They could at least assign us to something, anything, at this point I don‘t care what. Or maybe, they could let us put our names on the coupling list and at the very least take a husband who could earn us some respect.”
“But you have to be assigned a job to gain a rank high enough to take a husband,” Renee countered, pulling more containers out of the sack and arranging them in front of her. “and with our lack of education, you have to have a husband to climb the ratings enough to be assigned a job.”
Natana sneered at this and glanced at the bottom of the cliff where a long, narrow field lay, the sickly green sticking out against the rock. “They could have given us some education in the first place instead of marching us orphans down to their sad excuses for fields. At least we joined the resistance, and learned something, instead of doing their useless, dirty work all our lives.” Natana paused and wrinkled her nose at a knot in Renee’s hair. “They could have used us in the military, Renee; we could have been valuable to them; something far better than field hands working ourselves to death for a worthless, dying crop.”
“And they could have given us free passage to Wynn.” Renee winced as Natana favored the knot with a vicious tug of the brush.
“You know what I’m talking about.” Natana’s voice got hard, “You know as well as I do that their ratings, their caste system, their über-organization is killing us slowly from the inside. The Strategos don’t allow anyone at the bottom to advance. They refuse to let people to research anything, even agriculture without express permission, and we’re starving because of it. The Strategos keep telling us that Wynn’s society will crash soon, but you don’t hear of them starving or having revolts, and Wynn is supposed to be the land of barbarians!” She dropped the brush, and her fingers flew through Renee’s hair, easily twisting it into a complex plait.
“I know this, and now we‘re much more valuable than we ever could have been with them,” Renee said to calm her friend, catching herself before she shook her head. “I’ve snuck through vents, sabotaged political fronts, and fought the Strategos with you ever since we joined the resistance. I know how much it means to us.”
“But for all our work, we haven‘t seen a single thing get better. The Strategos are too good at repressing what we do from public eyes, and better at repressing word of their own actions. We should run to Wynn.” Natana said, finishing off the plait and wrapping the rest of Renee’s hair into a bun. Still holding the bun, she rifled through the hair kit with one hand and found a beaded net and hair sticks. She attached the net around the bun with the sticks, keeping it tight against the bottom of the plait. “There, a style fit for even the Strategos wives. You‘ll set a fashion.”
Renee reached behind her head and felt the hard, intricate weave of her hair. “What?”
“No denying it, Ren. You’re pretty, you‘d do well on the coupling list if they‘d just let you on it.”
“Not that drivel. Nat, you can’t run to Wynn. We’re good at evasion, but nobody can outrun that chopper they’ve got, and it’s not going to care if I kick it.” She swung a hand toward the barren plain behind her. “You know there’s no way to hide out there, not a bit of defensive advantage, even for us.”
Natana smirked at her “I don’t know how to get there anyways, there’s not even a map, but I don’t need to know which direction it is to dream of going there.” She started to set the brushes back into the hair kit, then cocked her head to the side, jumping swiftly to her feet. “Do you hear that?”
“Hear what?” Renee replied, her legs stiffening underneath her, ready to run. She knew Natana had better ears than her. “What is it, Nat?”
The mechanical hum rising up from the cliff started to swell. The air, windless before, rushed downward over the edge of the cliff, howling. The droning hum got louder until the air pounded a rapid beat against the Renee’s ears. She stood stock still in horror as the police chopper rose into view from the cliff, it’s polished sides glinting in the sun under the brutal, whirring blades. Renee screamed as she felt a hand grab her shoulder and tripped on the unopened food cans. Natana spun her around and dove at the hatch. Natana slammed the hatch closed as Renee rolled herself over the lip of the opening.
“They must have bugged us! The sneaky fascists!” Natana screamed, fuming as she cranked the lock tight.
“If they did, we need to get out of here. It looks like we’re going to Wynn just like you wanted.” Renee replied shakily, calming herself and planning as she jogged after Natana away from the hatch. “We’ll get our lightest colored outfits and make sure our hair is covered. We‘re going to need to pack, can we get out of here fast enough?”
“We can. I’m way ahead of you,” Natana shot over her shoulder, opening a panel in the floor and dropping into it, calling back to Renee “I’ve got water and food already packed, and I dyed our gray suits sand-colored last night.”
“What for?” Renee asked, surprised. She gripped the pipe under the floor and slid the panel back into place over her head and then slid down the pipe after Natana.
“I had a hunch we’d need them.” Natana answered when she reached the floor, a brazen grin creeping onto her face, “You know how compelling my hunches are.” She glanced around the corner and then took off at a sprint down the hallway, then dove sideways, seemingly through the wall.
“I’m glad they are,” Renee whispered to herself, quickly stepping through the wall, the hidden spring-set panel bouncing slightly behind her. “I’ll meet you back here, ready to go, in five minutes.”
Natana nodded and they split off in different directions down the small hallway that connected all of the cell‘s rooms and to gather their things. Renee pulled her sweaty clothes over her head as she walked through the door and slid on her newly-tan shirt and pants.
As she was filling her jacket pockets, she heard a noise out in the hallway. Not two seconds later, she heard a loud bang and a scream from Natana. The soft racket of jagged movement floated down the hall.
Renee tore a ceiling panel off and threw her pack through it, quickly following. From the hallway, she heard a panicked scream and a louder, ringing bang. She slid the panel back into place just before a police drone came in the room. She slipped the straps of her pack over her legs and crawled into the air shaft that ran over her and Natana‘s rooms.
When she reached the vent in the wall of Natana’s room, she looked into the room and took what was supposed to be a deep breath. The effort of staying calm made her chest shake despite her terror that someone would hear her. She couldn’t see Natana, but the wall opposite the vent was bloodstained and dripping. She closed her eyes as tears welled up and streamed down her face like the red rivulets running slowly down the wall.
Natana.
Comments: 3
Jh2tc [2006-02-12 21:59:18 +0000 UTC]
This whole setting is very interesting, a refreshingly unique looking universe, and you portray your characters well too, nice story.
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Gr3ywInd88 [2006-02-12 20:00:34 +0000 UTC]
Hey Bailey, before anything else, thanks again for being there last night. Both with helping with all the extra stuff, but also keeping me from totally flipping out. Anyways, on to the piece.
First off, thanks for adding a lot of the detail to this piece. It gives so much to this story. It is a ton better than it was before, especially with that first paragraph which sets the stage really well for the rest of the story. I could go on and on about all the parts that you added to that made it better, but I will just say that it makes everything flow a lot better. Wonderful job. Now for the nit picky stuff that I picked up.
~Here and there advertisements broke the monotony of the rock face with slick paint or flashing neon vying for your attention.~
Don't use your in that sentence. Try something like "vying for the people's attention" or something like that instead.
~“Natana, I do believe you hide yourself away up here twice as often than I do.”~
replace "than" with "as" and "do" with "am"
~“You’ll roll it all the way someday, I‘ll bet. You always were better at the martial arts than I was, but I will always be sneakier than you. And you may not use your hair kit, but I will!”~
This is a personal opinion, but I think you used too many conjunctions here. You might want to get rid of the "And" in front of "you may not use" and just have it be a new sentence. Again, that’s a personal thought.
~“The food Markt is getting to be nothing but slim pickings.~
Markt, tis a typo. Should be "market".
~Shitty food shortage and all.~
I am not gonna tell you whether or not to use Shitty, but it does change the style and feeling of your piece. You can keep or lose it. It is totally up to you on this one, but I wanted to draw your attention to it.
Anyways, great job again. One think I really liked about your story is how you mixed the styles of speech. It's a hybrid of new age slang and an older age style of speech. I really like the feel it gives to the setting. Okay, well I think I have filled up enough of your time. Wonderful work here Bailey, and now for the customary finish. Write More Please!!
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Mathnerd In reply to Gr3ywInd88 [2006-02-13 05:33:51 +0000 UTC]
Markt is spelled right. It is a German word meaning 'shopping center' or something similar. Stratego will be replaced with a foreign word, if needs be, I kinda stole 'strategos' from Ender's Game, but it's not permanent. I was going to use Fuehrerer, but it didn't make sense to say "absolute ruler" as a plural in German.
I didn't tell you before, but I'm trying to make it a little more culturally diverse. When you look around here, even in our little town, there's so much cultural mixing, I just have this idea of the future being a huge melting pot of words and customs from everywhere. I'm obviously not going to try to involve every culture, and I did add a custom that came from nowhere (the silly hair thing).
I also need to stray a little from German, I kind of keep circling back to the homeland, don't I?
Takshan is also supposed to be a little reminiscent of Orwell's "1984". Yay, totalitarianism! (not really) No brainwashed 'prole' class though. And none of that drugged out "Brave New World" crud either. I ken with the fear of the all-encompassing government.
So, beyond the vauge references to the entirety of Terran history, culture, and literature....
Thank you! I'll get on the other stuff. I usually stare at suggestions for about fifteen minutes each and play with them; I got a whole paragraph out of a small word change you suggested last time!
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