Wilhelmina-vanRoyen [2012-10-09 04:43:43 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact

Hello again. I wrote this critique as I read, so most of the comments are in chronological order of the chapters.

What are Temperance's motivations? Why does she let her mother pick all her classes? If Pratchett is her dad, why does she refer to him by his name? The only time I ever hear someone call a parent by their name is if they are a step parent. What is her relationship with her parents? Is there tension? Or are they a happy family with few conflicts?

On the other hand, I could very well feel Alistair's presence as a character.

//

"The corners of his blue eyes crinkled with delight."

Can you show that, instead of stating it outright? Describe his expression to imply the mood.

//

“You’re only excited because you think he’s been on all these
wonderful adventures while he’s been travelling abroad. You’re always dreaming of having a life-less-ordinary, but there’s nothing wrong with this one.”

Again, you don't need that last sentence -- the sentiment can be implied by Temperance bemoaning her father's lust for stories of adventure and intrigue.

//

And in conclusion:

These chapters feel less refined than the prologue/ intro. What happened to those wonderful descriptions and sensory details? You snagged the readers with the intro, but you don't want to lose them through the first chapter. What's going on right now is that you've got mostly exposition without a lot of set dressing, like a play on an empty stage.

I want more descriptions - the town, the university, the shops., the people. It doesn't have to be lengthy. A few lines about each would suffice, just to get the reader more into the place of the story.

It is an oft-repeated mantra, but repeat it to yourself, write it down, put it on a piece of paper above your desk: show, don't tell. If that isn't branded into the front of your mind to the point where you want to scream at whoever the hell said it, you're not doing it right. To quote one of my professors: "If you are not scared and confused, you aren't thinking hard enough."

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magpiesmiscellany [2012-12-09 03:37:45 +0000 UTC]

I know it's genre, but I do sometimes wish main charaters weren't all sweet and delicate looking...and I'd love for a guy to try to be mysterious with a name like John Smith

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Wilhelmina-vanRoyen [2012-10-09 03:49:04 +0000 UTC]

who is this being published by?

also, do you know of NaNoWriMo and will you be participating? (I never know anyone who's doing it so I can never share my woes at how hard it is to pound out a novel in a month)

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scuzzwalker [2012-10-08 10:07:55 +0000 UTC]

when are you writing more?

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random-neko-chan [2012-10-07 22:59:00 +0000 UTC]

Wow, this seems really interesting! I can't wait to read the rest.

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knitkitty [2012-10-07 22:57:37 +0000 UTC]

fnguiasndfuivniagfn soo good~~!!!!

I'm so excited to read more of this.
I've already developed a slight (extreme) crush on Alistair.

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