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omnipunk — a romance no one knows
Published: 2002-01-31 07:53:09 +0000 UTC; Views: 133; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 38
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'a romance no one knows'by joshua a.
she sits there
right in front of me
telling me a story of times gone past
i sit in awe
this girl so beautiful
this girl so true
the look in her eyes
the way here hair sits on her cheeks
her lips mezmorize me as she speaks
that beautiful neck
as she plays with her hair
wondering, do i even dare?
i like her so much
should i let it be known?
a feeling so deep
it must be shared by two
on the other end,
it surely must be you
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Comments: 2
stay away from these structured pseudo-couplets. when expressing deep emotions, poetic form isnt your strength. my advice for the thoughts expressed in the poem? if you insist on a structured poem hammer out a solid iambic pentameter and stick to it, also, if you're going to have it rhyme, make it all the time(shit no pun intended) not just when its convenient, dont let your form be lenient(ok, i tried a little that time) if i were to write a poem about these thoughts, i would have used a more prosaic beo-beat fusion form to keep a flow of emotion in the writing. read a lot of poetry, it'll come out in yours
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Aww... sometimes the part where they don't know how you feel is better cos you can imagine all kinds of romantic scenarios with them, and they don't need to know... Or is that just me?
I like the poem too, as well as wanting to burble on about nothing
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