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OnlyBecauseYouReact — The Observer

Published: 2012-02-25 03:40:54 +0000 UTC; Views: 715; Favourites: 18; Downloads: 14
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Description Writing a poem, wanted to work on making things rhyme. I am capable of free verse, but have rhyme issues. I also had to limit it to below or up to 21 lines...which I despise.

Tell me what you think, I was going for some sort of higher power speaking, but people see things different all around.

Also the over all feel if you could, thank you.

Sorry about the PDF format, for some reason it was not accepting my normal format that I ALWAYS use. Ridiculous.
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Comments: 12

Bionicman-AW [2012-02-25 19:46:22 +0000 UTC]

We're the picture on from the thumb nail?

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

OnlyBecauseYouReact In reply to Bionicman-AW [2012-02-26 18:22:51 +0000 UTC]

A physics website, physicsworld

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

LordBloodySoul [2012-02-25 11:40:59 +0000 UTC]

Marvelous Really nice work

I tried to see every line like a picture show within my head. It's really faszinating

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

OnlyBecauseYouReact In reply to LordBloodySoul [2012-02-26 18:23:08 +0000 UTC]

Well thank you, that means a lot.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

LordBloodySoul In reply to OnlyBecauseYouReact [2012-02-26 18:38:14 +0000 UTC]

no problem ^^

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

SubjugatedSandwich [2012-02-25 11:11:40 +0000 UTC]

That was very good. You did convey the watchful benevolent force theme quite well and as I read I felt more and more like the narrator was being worn away by the passage of time. Almost like they were a more active observer at one time but were now resigned to just watching everything wind down.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

OnlyBecauseYouReact In reply to SubjugatedSandwich [2012-02-26 18:23:53 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

DewKitty [2012-02-25 11:09:25 +0000 UTC]

Very beautiful poem with an interesting viewpoint. I love the imagery in this: "Every flame has its frost," "Day and night twirling in circles, Oranges bloom into fading purples" and "Tears fall from liquid copper skies" particularly. The only thing I think could be improved is perhaps that second verse - something doesn't quite sit right with it. It may be better if you could shorten it (have less syllables per line). Anyway, well done, a very nice piece.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

OnlyBecauseYouReact In reply to DewKitty [2012-02-26 18:25:22 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for that piece of advice among the things you liked. Pointing out spots of improvement are just as important to me, so that's appreciated. I will figure a way to work with it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

BeansWithJelly [2012-02-25 06:10:03 +0000 UTC]

This is beautiful! I like the idea of a higher power narrating this piece, not as a dictator or guide of fates, but as an observer and philosopher.

And I ESCPECIALLY love the line: "Silly humans killing humans, blood is red for every man" -- very true indeed. Bravo!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

OnlyBecauseYouReact In reply to BeansWithJelly [2012-02-25 06:42:09 +0000 UTC]

Well thanks.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

BeansWithJelly In reply to OnlyBecauseYouReact [2012-02-25 22:53:30 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0