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phoenixmemory — Let it Slip
Published: 2007-05-01 09:27:56 +0000 UTC; Views: 383; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 4
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Description
You’ve envisioneda me, surreptitiously
with thoughts. A me
who thinks like a
rabbit, secretly.
I’m sifted
as gold from the
muck of a crowd,
pulled reeling
from namelessness.
Not by spotlight,
but elusively, by
the glare from
a corner of your eye.
Stolen from
Edens of
Serotonin, I shy
for fear of being known
from foregrounds where
once I relished
(hid) naked with pride
Now, I’m torn,
wishing like hell
you become swiftly
colorblind.
canopied.
canalized.
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Comments: 15
Oh man.
I really like a poem about such a subject, done with action words, the action itself not really wanted.
[Not to mention my fondness for looking up words I already know to see new meaning in them.]
"..Stolen from / Edens of / Serotonin, I shy.." and wish 'you' become those three 'swift' words I looked up.
Thank you.
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hehe, thanks. I doubt you had to look up colorblind, though! Thanks for reading, and moreso thanks for commenting.
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well, i know what serotonin is...in fact, i know every word you used...but i also know there are many more defintions for one word than a person might initially think. you know? yep, you know! sorry to take so long to write back and use no caps. my eyes are "sick" right now and it's hard for me to see. anything in regular print is blurry. the docs say my vision should be back to normal in about two weeks. that's two weeks too long for me. oh well. i'm not going to lose my vision by not taking care of this.
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I really, really like this.
I think you're doing a good job of finding that balance between involved to the point of inscrutability versus so blunt it leaves no room for the reader's own creativity. You are developing your poetic gifts well.
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Thanks for the favorite and compliments. Poetry is such a process, and it's often exhausting, but I love it all the same.
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i love the imagery that you have portrayed in this...
to me, it is almost like a sequence of events.
this is very well written.
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oh, so wonderful
I like your choice of words.
Hm the words "a me" are emphasized enough in the first stanza but I was thinking it would also work, reminding us about it at the beginning of the third stanza. Or in the last? What I've noticed about your poems is that when I'm reading, everything seems just fine and well thought of, every word
but then, when I finish, I suddenly forget what I just read. There's so much going on that one thinks, "...Hum? 0.o let me go back and read that again". Maybe I'm used to the poetry that emphazises on rhythm and a bit of repetition to get some lines stuck in the reader's head by the time they finish
The meaning of your poems are under the surface so it takes more than just reading it once. 
--
leaping along... leap, leap.
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Well, is that a good thing or a bad thing?
I think my writing has evolved. Most of the poetry I wrote when I was first getting into it was so involved it was hard for me to sift out a meaning after I went back in to edit it later (if I editted later, which is a whole other issue 
What I DON'T want is to simply decorate an idea, I want to build on it, expand it and make it something more powerful than it was before.
By the way, I like the idea of making sure the phrase "a me" stands out in peoples minds, but I thought about it a lot and bringing it back one or two more times might be too much. I think if those two words have generated this much discussion, they must be doing something right. I'll just leave them where they lay.
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awesome. Then I think you've found a balance. And I like that about expanding an idea to make it more powerful
But I can't say if a style is good or bad, so I just wanted to say what your poetry provokes or how I think about
--
You're welcome= )
--
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Thanks, though, for the favorite and of course your compliments. Word choice is one of my favorite aspects of poetry.
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reading the above comment, i feel the "a me" is already emphasised because it is at the end of a line, showing how lonely it is, seperated from the rest of that line with a comma, and the enjambmented line as it is set below it.
anyway another nice piece :]
xx
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Thanks, I'm gonna have to agree with you on this one.
Thanks, too, for the compliment
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I think the "a me" part should either be emphasized to separate it from the poem...quotation marks around it will work too. Stating the opinion of your idea...
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the odd line break and the following comma don't do that well enough?
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