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Robbeknol — Unique
Published: 2006-04-21 16:10:06 +0000 UTC; Views: 213; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 4
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Description Like every rat,
in every maze.
Like every dog,
in every chase.

Like every guard,
in every jail.
Like every fly,
on every stain.

Like every man,
caught in his brain.
Like every rule,
caught in its flame.

Be unique
Be unique
Be unique
Be unique
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Comments: 8

de-onbekende-artiest [2007-11-22 15:59:34 +0000 UTC]

You can sing it in some way , dont know if that's a mantra , oh well ^^

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crazynloveless [2006-04-25 16:48:34 +0000 UTC]

I can only agree with Psytatious.

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Psytatious [2006-04-25 16:28:29 +0000 UTC]

Like every rat,
in every maze.
Like every dog,
in every chase. (I like these images, light hearted, gets the poem moving)

Like every guard,
in every Jail.
Like every fly,
on every stain. (These images give it a darker feel here, not sure if that's where you were headed, but even so, I find them effective in getting the point across.)

Like every man,
caught in his brain.
Like every rule,
caught in it's flame. (This whole stanza throws me off where I thought you were headed. It's not the same as the previous two, this is more philosophical in my opinion, so it doesn't really fit what you started in the first two stanzas)

Be unique
Be unique > delete
Be unique > delete
Be unique > delete

I like you ideas. I like how you presented them in the first two stanzas. Thank you for sharing.

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Psytatious In reply to Psytatious [2006-04-25 16:31:58 +0000 UTC]

Ok, more thoughts!

In your third stanza, maybe it needs to be a fouth insetad, and add a stanza with image pairs before it to help ease the transition from concrete to philosophical. That's what I would do, and make the new thrid stanza grey area imagery. Sorry I don't have any other ideas beyond that.

Again, I like where you're taking this idea.

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Robbeknol In reply to Psytatious [2006-04-25 17:26:25 +0000 UTC]

Thanks, thats a very good idea indeed. I'll think about it. Thanks for the real constructive comment!

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Psytatious In reply to Robbeknol [2006-04-26 03:38:31 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome. I'm glad I can help you work through your ideas. I know it helps me when people say more than "nice piece."

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OracleGlass [2006-04-21 16:14:57 +0000 UTC]

Woah what a powerful poem (sorry if that sounds cheap but I don't know how to phrase it differently)..its almost like a mantra.
Great great poem...I'll keep it

xx
Ella

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Robbeknol In reply to OracleGlass [2006-04-21 16:17:13 +0000 UTC]

Thanks!

I think that might be the best comment I have ever gotten!

Thanks alot

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