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Published: 2011-05-27 15:06:28 +0000 UTC; Views: 193; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 2
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Description
Endless halls.Fake smiles.
Whispered threats.
Joyous mockery.
They think they have me.
They think they've won!
But who could ever hold me?
Who could keep me prisoner?
Not them.
Not now.
Surely this is a ruse!
A dream!
Or am I the captor?
Have I locked myself up
And thrown away the key?
Why would I do that?
Hahahahaha!
What nonsense!
I, lock myself up?
Ridiculous!
I am King!
I rule over all!
No prison can keep me!
I'll burn the very stone to ash!
………
Then why am I here?
Why can't I move?
Why can't I feel the fire?
Because it's me.
I alone have locked myself up
And thrown away the key.
Why?
Why not?
I'm tired.
I'm weak.
I want to die…
They can't hold me forever.
Freedom is in my hands!
I can leave whenever I choose!
My fire will not abandon me!
Why I am still here?
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Comments: 41
Masanohashi In reply to RobotsWithCookies [2011-05-28 19:34:23 +0000 UTC]
you are very welcome
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RobotsWithCookies In reply to monsterhunter1234 [2011-05-28 16:07:48 +0000 UTC]
Thank you!!
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monsterhunter1234 In reply to RobotsWithCookies [2011-05-29 12:26:04 +0000 UTC]
No problem ^^
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RobotsWithCookies In reply to Malusdraco [2011-05-28 16:07:58 +0000 UTC]
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Malusdraco In reply to RobotsWithCookies [2011-05-30 18:08:12 +0000 UTC]
durrr...
please tell me!!!
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RobotsWithCookies In reply to Malusdraco [2011-05-31 14:38:17 +0000 UTC]
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RobotsWithCookies In reply to Malusdraco [2011-06-02 14:43:15 +0000 UTC]
I did in the note!!!!!!!!
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Malusdraco In reply to RobotsWithCookies [2011-06-02 20:46:37 +0000 UTC]
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WolfPawDragonClaw [2011-05-27 15:24:59 +0000 UTC]
Awesome!
I'm not too good at critiquing poems, sorry! I'll see what I can do, though!
I wonder if you could describe the scenery a bit more? Is he in a dungeon cell, a kennel, a padded room with a straight-jacket or what?
Maybe he can say that he "rules over the cell", or something, and gets a little insane and territorial "this is MY cell! I AM KING HERE!" or something. Then he can remember/realize that he wants more. He wants to take over "other lands" that are outside his own kingdom/cell? Or he can remember that "hey, I'm a REAL king! I ruled over a REAL place before!" and then that can be a drive, or a turning point in the poem?
I dunno, just some suggestions for the poem/part of the story.
I like the "why am I here?" theme! I can tell who it is!
Great job!
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RobotsWithCookies In reply to WolfPawDragonClaw [2011-05-27 15:30:48 +0000 UTC]
Thanks!
It was more just mainly focused on his thought patterns etc. like they kept changing and he was arguing/convincing himself. So yeah! But thanks for the crit!!
Okay that's good?
Thanks again!
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WolfPawDragonClaw In reply to RobotsWithCookies [2011-05-27 15:33:08 +0000 UTC]
Ohhhhh! Okay!
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RobotsWithCookies In reply to WolfPawDragonClaw [2011-05-27 15:34:24 +0000 UTC]
But yeah..... thanks though! It helped!
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WolfPawDragonClaw In reply to RobotsWithCookies [2011-05-27 15:39:40 +0000 UTC]
You're welcome! Sorry about that!
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RobotsWithCookies In reply to WolfPawDragonClaw [2011-05-27 15:47:34 +0000 UTC]
No need to be sorry! It's all good!
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