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StarlightComet — proprioception
Published: 2015-07-14 04:35:15 +0000 UTC; Views: 654; Favourites: 29; Downloads: 0
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Description she claims
that you can spot virginity in the curve
of the hips.

i tell her
you can't see chastity in the way
the ilium crests, unless you fucked hard enough
to break it.

she smiles,
shows me the bruises carved into her bones,
traces the way his fingers held her-

what if you're already broken
to begin with?
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Comments: 9

RussianTim [2015-07-21 08:27:54 +0000 UTC]

This is absolutely fantastic.  I can't really help you understand it, but I can tell you everything that works.  The first stanza, for instance, builds the theme of the poem and presents a realistic contrasting of element such as innocence (virginity) vs. sexuality (curve of the hips). All in three short lines too, which is quite impressive.  Then the second stanza continues the overall theme of the poem while shifting to the perspective of the sexually maturated narrator. The use of medical terminology such as "ilium crest" when juxtaposed with the imagery of fucking "hard enough to break it" adds to the credibility of the narrator as a mature and knowledgeable source of life experience.  Then, in the third stanza, this second voice, the seemingly younger girl or possibly younger version of the narrator displays a "loss of innocence yet still innocent" longing to be validated in her sexual experience, despite the fact that, from the context, it would seem she was roughly handled and still lacks a real understanding of sexuality.   Finally, the narrator poses an interesting question that ties it all togeher.  I can't say much more other then I think this is a simple, tactful, and powerful poem that deals with a subject matter that most modern poets completely fail at voicing in the provocative, yet intelligent way that you did.  I've read quite a few of your poems tonight and I can honestly say you are one of the best I have ever come across. Stop "attempting to be a poet" and accept the fact that you are one. I'm looking forward to seeing more work from you in the future. 

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StarlightComet In reply to RussianTim [2015-07-21 16:35:45 +0000 UTC]

Oh, wow. Thank you so much for the long comment, I rarely get any of those that actually critique my poems as in depth as you did and it's invigorating to finally see someone do it. The entire poem itself came to life because my mother told me that in Cuba, where she was born, the women used to tell if a girl was a virgin by looking at her hips. I thought this was pretty ridiculous but it stuck with me and spiraled out into this. (It had to be written a few times before it deemed itself worthy enough to post, as usual ) It's strange because when I write my poems I usually write and feel it in its literal sense. Like this one, for example, I wrote it from the perspective of two people, one who was more sexually mature and knowledgeable than the other. It never occurred to me that someone could see it as an older person speaking to a younger version of themselves, which is really quite wonderful in and of itself. Also, I used the words "the way the ilium crests" simply because I am enthralled with human anatomy and because I didn't want to repeat the word "hips". I used the word "fucking" simply because I curse a lot, and yet you interpreted it into something completely and utterly fantastic, more fantastic than I thought it was while writing it. For the third stanza I wanted to show how innocent one can be, even after experiencing one of the most intimate acts in the word. I wanted to show that even when someone knows that they have been broken, they can still maintain a level of naivete simply because they don't understand how they got to that point. 

Did any of that make sense? I feel like I kind of rambled on a bit at the end there. Your kind words mean so much to me, thank you again for all the support! As for my "attempting to be a poet", we'll see what happens with that. I accept that I am a poet, but I don't know if I'll ever truly accept that I'm a good one. One is their own harshest critic, yes?

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Kiliann [2015-07-16 19:49:45 +0000 UTC]

I love the way this flows and the dark feeling behind the seemingly benign conversation and setting.
I love your poetry This one is wonderful.

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StarlightComet In reply to Kiliann [2015-07-17 00:13:24 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much, I'm glad you enjoyed it

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introverted-ghost [2015-07-14 05:50:28 +0000 UTC]

This is incredibly raw, yet delicate in the way the imagery arises.

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StarlightComet In reply to introverted-ghost [2015-07-14 06:19:34 +0000 UTC]

Thank you I rewrote it a few times before I settled on this

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introverted-ghost In reply to StarlightComet [2015-07-14 06:30:16 +0000 UTC]

It feels quite natural.

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StarlightComet In reply to introverted-ghost [2015-07-14 15:35:58 +0000 UTC]

I'm glad you like it

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

introverted-ghost In reply to StarlightComet [2015-07-15 04:22:00 +0000 UTC]

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