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Description
Several people have told me that they admire how hardworking and multifaceted I am. I am a PhD student, I am a coach, I am an artist and so on. I know how to do many things and the things I don't know I eventually try to learn it. People usually say they admire this; my independency and proactivity.

Well... I was raised to always count on myself and myself only. I learned at a very young age that I couldn't count on others. I was taught that those I trusted would eventually turn their back on me. I grew up learning how to do many things because I didn't trust people to help me with things I didn't understand/know. I learned I had to do things by myself because it's the only way it gets done "right". I learned how to hide my feelings, specially the negative ones, because people would take advantage of my vulnerability.

Basically, I learned that I didn't need anyone, that it was a weakness to seek help when I could learn how to do it by myself instead. And now, as I approach my thirties, I began to feel exhausted from having to do everything on my own. I felt disconnected from a world and society that needs people all time.

The first good step I did was seeing my therapist - yes, relying on someone else to help me - when I realized I couldn't work with the tools I had gathered through my learning development. With her, I realized all of this is a defense mechanism and not a strong positive trait of mine like I always thought it was. I realized it is ok to ask for help, to rely on people sometimes. It is not a weakness to not know everything. It's ok to not be perfect.

And now, I look around, and I see how it is important to rely on people when we need and feel down, just like they do when they need. I realized I don't have to do everything on my own, I can count with the help of some people. I don't have to constantly push people away when they try get to closer because not everyone will try to sabotage me. I can let some people enter and get to know me ... to know some of my fragilities and to help me with what I struggle.

I realized I am not alone... not anymore. After so long, I feel like this is the moment I'm actually working and improving myself.
And I am happy with it.

Other personal pieces

Tiny Yellow Tent,A tiny yellow tentFor a tiny little girlLike a shield of a warrior,It would block any attack from the outside.Nothing bad would happenWhen the tiny little girl Would be in the tiny yellow tentWith her collection of dinosaurs“Hello everyone, I am an Alien.”She would say to her dinosaurs, Without knowing for a factShe was self-isolating from the world.As years went byShe grew up and became a womanSo the tiny little girl could no longerFit in the tiny yellow tentWithout her tiny yellow tent,And while being unable to fit in,She would be exposed to all dangers in life.“Hello humans, I am an Alien”She would say to her similar kindBut humans do not understand AliensSo she self-isolated from the world.She found herself lost in the worldWith no place to go.Tired of getting hurt,The now grown up tiny little girlCreated a bigger yellow tent So she could crawl insideBack to her collection of dinosaurs That were nowA collection of imaginary products of her mind. '' I'm Outside ''A violent imaginary punchGoes straight to my stomachHeartbeat increasesConcentration decreasesMy head will explodeWith the thoughts I invokeOverthinking overthinkingWhat am I even feeling?Am I fainting?Am I dying?One, two, three…InhaleFour, five, six…ExhaleMy hands areSo cold Am I slowlyLosing control?One, two, three…InhaleFour, five, six…ExhaleMake it stop…Please make it stop…I… can’t… control… it.But I must control it!I am in control…I am in control.I AM IN CONTROL!This is just anxietyYou are not dyingInhaleExhaleInhaleExhaleAh…StillnessAt last.

- COMMISSIONS INFO -

- OPEN ADOPTS -

Online Store
www.zazzle.com/store/kikkakiba…

PLAY MY GAME

If you like my work, consider buying me a Ko-fi
Or become a Patreon for only 2€ monthly

Follow me on other social media!

: www.facebook.com/kikkakibaz/

: www.instagram.com/kikkakibaz/ and www.instagram.com/arte_restart…

: www.youtube.com/channel/UCxspN…

Booksie: www.booksie.com/518768-l.-i.-e… (L.I.E.); www.booksie.com/612736-eler (ELER)

!! Disclaimer !!
I do not allow my art to be reposted anywhere unless I give permission for that!
I do not allow my art to be used in AI.
I do not sell my art as NFT's

Sharing my art in posts/journals is allowed as long as you credit me.

Description
Several people have told me that they admire how hardworking and multifaceted I am. I am a PhD student, I am a coach, I am an artist and so on. I know how to do many things and the things I don't know I eventually try to learn it. People usually say they admire this; my independency and proactivity.

Well... I was raised to always count on myself and myself only. I learned at a very young age that I couldn't count on others. I was taught that those I trusted would eventually turn their back on me. I grew up learning how to do many things because I didn't trust people to help me with things I didn't understand/know. I learned I had to do things by myself because it's the only way it gets done "right". I learned how to hide my feelings, specially the negative ones, because people would take advantage of my vulnerability.

Basically, I learned that I didn't need anyone, that it was a weakness to seek help when I could learn how to do it by myself instead. And now, as I approach my thirties, I began to feel exhausted from having to do everything on my own. I felt disconnected from a world and society that needs people all time.

The first good step I did was seeing my therapist - yes, relying on someone else to help me - when I realized I couldn't work with the tools I had gathered through my learning development. With her, I realized all of this is a defense mechanism and not a strong positive trait of mine like I always thought it was. I realized it is ok to ask for help, to rely on people sometimes. It is not a weakness to not know everything. It's ok to not be perfect.

And now, I look around, and I see how it is important to rely on people when we need and feel down, just like they do when they need. I realized I don't have to do everything on my own, I can count with the help of some people. I don't have to constantly push people away when they try get to closer because not everyone will try to sabotage me. I can let some people enter and get to know me ... to know some of my fragilities and to help me with what I struggle.

I realized I am not alone... not anymore. After so long, I feel like this is the moment I'm actually working and improving myself.
And I am happy with it.

Other personal pieces

Tiny Yellow Tent,A tiny yellow tentFor a tiny little girlLike a shield of a warrior,It would block any attack from the outside.Nothing bad would happenWhen the tiny little girl Would be in the tiny yellow tentWith her collection of dinosaurs“Hello everyone, I am an Alien.”She would say to her dinosaurs, Without knowing for a factShe was self-isolating from the world.As years went byShe grew up and became a womanSo the tiny little girl could no longerFit in the tiny yellow tentWithout her tiny yellow tent,And while being unable to fit in,She would be exposed to all dangers in life.“Hello humans, I am an Alien”She would say to her similar kindBut humans do not understand AliensSo she self-isolated from the world.She found herself lost in the worldWith no place to go.Tired of getting hurt,The now grown up tiny little girlCreated a bigger yellow tent So she could crawl insideBack to her collection of dinosaurs That were nowA collection of imaginary products of her mind. '' I'm Outside ''A violent imaginary punchGoes straight to my stomachHeartbeat increasesConcentration decreasesMy head will explodeWith the thoughts I invokeOverthinking overthinkingWhat am I even feeling?Am I fainting?Am I dying?One, two, three…InhaleFour, five, six…ExhaleMy hands areSo cold Am I slowlyLosing control?One, two, three…InhaleFour, five, six…ExhaleMake it stop…Please make it stop…I… can’t… control… it.But I must control it!I am in control…I am in control.I AM IN CONTROL!This is just anxietyYou are not dyingInhaleExhaleInhaleExhaleAh…StillnessAt last.

- COMMISSIONS INFO -

- OPEN ADOPTS -

Online Store
www.zazzle.com/store/kikkakiba…

PLAY MY GAME

If you like my work, consider buying me a Ko-fi
Or become a Patreon for only 2€ monthly

Follow me on other social media!

: www.facebook.com/kikkakibaz/

: www.instagram.com/kikkakibaz/ and www.instagram.com/arte_restart…

: www.youtube.com/channel/UCxspN…

Booksie: www.booksie.com/518768-l.-i.-e… (L.I.E.); www.booksie.com/612736-eler (ELER)

!! Disclaimer !!
I do not allow my art to be reposted anywhere unless I give permission for that!
I do not allow my art to be used in AI.
I do not sell my art as NFT's

Sharing my art in posts/journals is allowed as long as you credit me.