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Description
"I see the sun, but I do not feel it. Someone laughs and I am indifferent, or at most I feel like I am the one being laughed at. There's a cold gray filter over everything I experience. Everything neutral or negative is a source of mortal worry, everything positive and beautiful just glances off me. I know things are supposed to make me feel good, but they do not.
I should eat more veggies, am I getting diabetes? I know people who eat bread and candy get diabetes, maybe I should stop drinking orange juice and eating fruit. Maybe I should just eat oatmeal. I feel weird, maybe it's already too late, maybe I do have diabetes. I don't want to become a burden to myself or others, if I got diabetes I doubt I could ever be happy again, the things I couldn't do, it'd be game over for me, yep.

Do my friends even like me? Am I authentic? Have I just been acting this whole time, acting so well I forgot I was even acting? Have I always been just miserable and decided to hide it, perhaps when I was in my teens, so my friends would like me more. Who would want to be with a miserable guy, no one, that's who. I am miserable because nobody likes me, but nobody likes me because I am miserable, can a man even win at this game? And trust me when I say this, when you try to fake your happiness while miserable, EVERYONE knows you are faking it, in fact, you are making yourself look worse! You look like an uncanny mannequin or 90's movie CGI, repulsive! What scars me the most is having to be reliant on my friends, they could just decide to not want to be around me at any time, yeah, let's just ditch that miserable guy. But, hell, the more I show my desperation the less people will like me, so I have to act cool and hide my fear of abandonment, because nobody wants to be around someone who is clingy, yuck! And if I ever make a mistake of telling someone of this, then they will immediately from that point on begin to analyze each word I say to try to detect hints of clingyness, it's as if I am activating their warning radars and once they get triggered three times you are out, you are too needy.

But what's even worse than a miserable guy is a miserable guy who is single! People are ought be in pairs, being alone is weird and unappealing, nobody wants to talk to a single guy, they are incels, emotionally unsupportive or otherwise flawed or worse, they are total psychos or sociopaths, otherwise they'd be with someone! The misery they experience is just comeuppance for their greedy lifestyle of wanting to selfishly take all the time they have for themselves and not share it, yep, that's why I am miserable. It's divine judgement, it was always destined to be so, nothing to be done about it, it's a law written in our genes "Togetherness = joy, Aloneness = misery". Yep, nothing to it, the game was rigged from the start. I really should stop worrying though, worrying makes me shed my scales, I'll be young and bald. Oh gods, do I WANT to become bald because I worry so much, is this some weird sadomasochistic kink I am discovering, otherwise I'd stop worrying right away, because I don't want to be bald, I like my horns and scales. I should just take a nap.

But I wont, taking a nap is wasting time! I have been so unproductive recently, that walk I took just earlier, that movie I watched. What was I even producing then? I was literally just wasting the time I have on this planet. Today I spent the whole morning just playing video games, what a waste! It is as if that time never existed in the first place, just, poof, time gone. And what would I even do with the time that is 'productive'? Work on my craft? Isn't that a bit of a waste of time too? Like, what am I even doing there that is productive. I am not helping anyone, I am not creating something people need, I am not making the world a better place to live. In fact, I could be making it WORSE, because people who spend time looking at the things I make, they are WASTING their precious time which they could be using on something that is productive. Like why are YOU reading this, this text is miserable, it wont teach you anything or give you any divine or exquisite insight. What a big fat joke. Where's the obese gameshow host to pull open the curtains and tell us, the audience, that sapience as a concept was a fun gag while it lasted but now it's back to our regularly scheduled programming of eating grass, pooping and decomposing.

Really a consciousness shouldn't be allowed to think of its own thinking or why it is thinking in the first place. That's the source of all problems. It's like the universe suddenly realized it was an universe and figured it was doing a real shit job at being one and then decided to pull itself inside its own asshole and destroy the entirety of existence with it.

In the end though, it is funny. It is funny that expressing yourself about thinking about thinking makes the thinking part easier. Maybe it's unnatural or a mistake, but the desire to think "who we are", "why we are" and "how we are" are questions that bubbles up, whether we like it or not and if we do not answer them to ourselves every time they come up, well, we feel pretty damn bad about it. Because if we can't answer those questions to ourselves, our lives really are meaningless, random and without any start and end. The longer those questions remain unanswered the harder they are to answer, like that text you got from grandma and you just forgot to reply to it and now it has been two months, oh god. Or the text you got from your cousin last week inviting you someplace or wishing a happy something or other. But There's always time to get back to it, even though it is harder and makes you feel a bit silly. People are forgiving and you are people, you should forgive yourself more too. Enjoy the basics of life, don't worry too much about instruments we have made for ourselves to measure ourselves against one another. Try to enjoy the world itself, not the products and things we create for entertainment as they are designed to entertain and make us feel good, unlike nature which we have evolved to feel good in. it's a tough world, and we do not make being happy easy for ourselves, so take joy and happiness wherever you can get, whether it is movies, art, sports, socializing, whatever, being happy about yourself and what you are doing is one of the greatest forces in the world. It's a force that inspires, makes the world a better place and maybe, just maybe, can help someone regain their faith in life.

But in the end, it's hard enough without ourselves critiquing ourselves over what makes us happy. So go out there and be a weirdo, like the rest of us."

Description
"I see the sun, but I do not feel it. Someone laughs and I am indifferent, or at most I feel like I am the one being laughed at. There's a cold gray filter over everything I experience. Everything neutral or negative is a source of mortal worry, everything positive and beautiful just glances off me. I know things are supposed to make me feel good, but they do not.
I should eat more veggies, am I getting diabetes? I know people who eat bread and candy get diabetes, maybe I should stop drinking orange juice and eating fruit. Maybe I should just eat oatmeal. I feel weird, maybe it's already too late, maybe I do have diabetes. I don't want to become a burden to myself or others, if I got diabetes I doubt I could ever be happy again, the things I couldn't do, it'd be game over for me, yep.

Do my friends even like me? Am I authentic? Have I just been acting this whole time, acting so well I forgot I was even acting? Have I always been just miserable and decided to hide it, perhaps when I was in my teens, so my friends would like me more. Who would want to be with a miserable guy, no one, that's who. I am miserable because nobody likes me, but nobody likes me because I am miserable, can a man even win at this game? And trust me when I say this, when you try to fake your happiness while miserable, EVERYONE knows you are faking it, in fact, you are making yourself look worse! You look like an uncanny mannequin or 90's movie CGI, repulsive! What scars me the most is having to be reliant on my friends, they could just decide to not want to be around me at any time, yeah, let's just ditch that miserable guy. But, hell, the more I show my desperation the less people will like me, so I have to act cool and hide my fear of abandonment, because nobody wants to be around someone who is clingy, yuck! And if I ever make a mistake of telling someone of this, then they will immediately from that point on begin to analyze each word I say to try to detect hints of clingyness, it's as if I am activating their warning radars and once they get triggered three times you are out, you are too needy.

But what's even worse than a miserable guy is a miserable guy who is single! People are ought be in pairs, being alone is weird and unappealing, nobody wants to talk to a single guy, they are incels, emotionally unsupportive or otherwise flawed or worse, they are total psychos or sociopaths, otherwise they'd be with someone! The misery they experience is just comeuppance for their greedy lifestyle of wanting to selfishly take all the time they have for themselves and not share it, yep, that's why I am miserable. It's divine judgement, it was always destined to be so, nothing to be done about it, it's a law written in our genes "Togetherness = joy, Aloneness = misery". Yep, nothing to it, the game was rigged from the start. I really should stop worrying though, worrying makes me shed my scales, I'll be young and bald. Oh gods, do I WANT to become bald because I worry so much, is this some weird sadomasochistic kink I am discovering, otherwise I'd stop worrying right away, because I don't want to be bald, I like my horns and scales. I should just take a nap.

But I wont, taking a nap is wasting time! I have been so unproductive recently, that walk I took just earlier, that movie I watched. What was I even producing then? I was literally just wasting the time I have on this planet. Today I spent the whole morning just playing video games, what a waste! It is as if that time never existed in the first place, just, poof, time gone. And what would I even do with the time that is 'productive'? Work on my craft? Isn't that a bit of a waste of time too? Like, what am I even doing there that is productive. I am not helping anyone, I am not creating something people need, I am not making the world a better place to live. In fact, I could be making it WORSE, because people who spend time looking at the things I make, they are WASTING their precious time which they could be using on something that is productive. Like why are YOU reading this, this text is miserable, it wont teach you anything or give you any divine or exquisite insight. What a big fat joke. Where's the obese gameshow host to pull open the curtains and tell us, the audience, that sapience as a concept was a fun gag while it lasted but now it's back to our regularly scheduled programming of eating grass, pooping and decomposing.

Really a consciousness shouldn't be allowed to think of its own thinking or why it is thinking in the first place. That's the source of all problems. It's like the universe suddenly realized it was an universe and figured it was doing a real shit job at being one and then decided to pull itself inside its own asshole and destroy the entirety of existence with it.

In the end though, it is funny. It is funny that expressing yourself about thinking about thinking makes the thinking part easier. Maybe it's unnatural or a mistake, but the desire to think "who we are", "why we are" and "how we are" are questions that bubbles up, whether we like it or not and if we do not answer them to ourselves every time they come up, well, we feel pretty damn bad about it. Because if we can't answer those questions to ourselves, our lives really are meaningless, random and without any start and end. The longer those questions remain unanswered the harder they are to answer, like that text you got from grandma and you just forgot to reply to it and now it has been two months, oh god. Or the text you got from your cousin last week inviting you someplace or wishing a happy something or other. But There's always time to get back to it, even though it is harder and makes you feel a bit silly. People are forgiving and you are people, you should forgive yourself more too. Enjoy the basics of life, don't worry too much about instruments we have made for ourselves to measure ourselves against one another. Try to enjoy the world itself, not the products and things we create for entertainment as they are designed to entertain and make us feel good, unlike nature which we have evolved to feel good in. it's a tough world, and we do not make being happy easy for ourselves, so take joy and happiness wherever you can get, whether it is movies, art, sports, socializing, whatever, being happy about yourself and what you are doing is one of the greatest forces in the world. It's a force that inspires, makes the world a better place and maybe, just maybe, can help someone regain their faith in life.

But in the end, it's hard enough without ourselves critiquing ourselves over what makes us happy. So go out there and be a weirdo, like the rest of us."