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Description
I’m at a bit of a disposition right now since we must do a chapter on sports ( We’re not going to pretend like they don’t exist), and we don’t want it to be all up in our faces so I will give you the limited knowledge I have on the vast world of athletics. First I’d like to talk to you about one of the only sports I understand: Football.
Football was of course named such because it used to be played with ones foot, but do to the fact that it was nearly impossible, they added the use of ones hands. Originally a football player had to wrap one of his legs around the ball, and then press it tightly against their thigh, then shimmy as quickly as possible while trying to dodge massive granite pillars and sacks of potatoes thrown by the opposing player, and this could only be done by the most nimble 400 pound behemoth.  Football is a confusing sport for the most part. It is half running, catching, tackling, punting, and Donny brooking, half interpretive dance. The running, catching, so on so forth are the football you see on TV and at the stadium for most of the game, but most of the players energy goes into end-zone dance routines. When you first learn to play football they show you the basics and don’t mention the dancing segment of the game, but when and if you reach professional status the training becomes harsher due to the dance parts of practice. Coaches teach you to become the most energetic, well-trained ogre-like monsters on this side of the galaxy (2nd only to the alien dancers of Mars, first seen when they dance-fought the space rovers Spirit and Opportunity, which was not shown to public for reasons unknown). One of the skills learned in the NFL is the ability to immediately break into dance when your foot crosses the end-zone line. A player’s fame is judged by how quickly a player can burst into a festive doo-wop (Some were able to do this in milliseconds; they include: Lawrence Taylor, Dan Marino, and ZZ Top front man Billy Gibbons).

Earlier I mentioned how football used to be played, what with the pillars and all, and I’ve decided I’d go into more detail on the age-old Greek sport of football. Originally it was a ridiculous fest of blood, grease, and homoerotic photo caps. The rules were quite simple. The home team punted a crudely shaped lead cannonball and depending on the degree of damage done to the kicker’s foot, that’s how far back the other team started. The rating system went something like this:

Broken toenail= 20 yards
Broken toe= 40 yards
3 Broken toes= 60 yards
Broken foot= 80 yards
Pulled groin and broken foot= 100 yards
Blinked out of existence= Redo.

              The defensive players were the burliest, weighing in at around 600 lbs or so, and their job was to hurl colossal objects at the other players, as if playing a game of dodge ball, only way, way manlier. Their break-neck aim was unsurpassed and their strength was limitless. They had but one weakness: tender, young boys. Most defensive linebackers were pedophiliac; in fact many brought small boys to their games and would accidentally hurl them at the other players in place of proper projectiles. This was of course illegal since small boys can be thrown at a much faster speed than other items and could kill another player on impact, sometimes the child even blasted through the player to hit the person in back of them. Coming in dead-second in the strength contest are the quarterbacks. Their job was much less important than any other players, though. They were to stand on the sidelines with piles upon piles of flaming pigskin balls. They had to heave the balls over a goalpost that was a good mile away. If accomplished the team received 1 point, but this had little or no effect on the game since scoring a touchdown earned a team 200 points, and touchdowns were handed out to a random team every 30 seconds.

                One of the games with the most casualties recorded was the game between the Alexandria Indians and the Spartan Mohawks. The Spartan team had the genius idea of setting all their members on fire so that the Indians would forfeit out of trepidation, but they didn’t. In fact, the Indians had been doing a 40-legged race earlier and the whole team had tripped and fallen into a vat of napalm powder. Since there was no time for a man-shower (A more extreme form of regular showering), the Indians arrived and the game started as scheduled. When an Indian linebacker tackled a Mohawk quarterback at the beginning of the game, the first physical contact between two players on opposing teams, the napalm reacted to the flaming Spartan and caused a massive explosion that was so hot the sand around them turned to green glass that if looked at could cause the onlooker to radically combust. Unfortunately the football field was surrounded by firecracker warehouses and plutonium gunpowder storage facilities, causing half of Europe to be completely vaporized (The half that contained Francintock, the whiniest country in the world.). The game was abandoned and later revived in North America.

Description
I’m at a bit of a disposition right now since we must do a chapter on sports ( We’re not going to pretend like they don’t exist), and we don’t want it to be all up in our faces so I will give you the limited knowledge I have on the vast world of athletics. First I’d like to talk to you about one of the only sports I understand: Football.
Football was of course named such because it used to be played with ones foot, but do to the fact that it was nearly impossible, they added the use of ones hands. Originally a football player had to wrap one of his legs around the ball, and then press it tightly against their thigh, then shimmy as quickly as possible while trying to dodge massive granite pillars and sacks of potatoes thrown by the opposing player, and this could only be done by the most nimble 400 pound behemoth.  Football is a confusing sport for the most part. It is half running, catching, tackling, punting, and Donny brooking, half interpretive dance. The running, catching, so on so forth are the football you see on TV and at the stadium for most of the game, but most of the players energy goes into end-zone dance routines. When you first learn to play football they show you the basics and don’t mention the dancing segment of the game, but when and if you reach professional status the training becomes harsher due to the dance parts of practice. Coaches teach you to become the most energetic, well-trained ogre-like monsters on this side of the galaxy (2nd only to the alien dancers of Mars, first seen when they dance-fought the space rovers Spirit and Opportunity, which was not shown to public for reasons unknown). One of the skills learned in the NFL is the ability to immediately break into dance when your foot crosses the end-zone line. A player’s fame is judged by how quickly a player can burst into a festive doo-wop (Some were able to do this in milliseconds; they include: Lawrence Taylor, Dan Marino, and ZZ Top front man Billy Gibbons).

Earlier I mentioned how football used to be played, what with the pillars and all, and I’ve decided I’d go into more detail on the age-old Greek sport of football. Originally it was a ridiculous fest of blood, grease, and homoerotic photo caps. The rules were quite simple. The home team punted a crudely shaped lead cannonball and depending on the degree of damage done to the kicker’s foot, that’s how far back the other team started. The rating system went something like this:

Broken toenail= 20 yards
Broken toe= 40 yards
3 Broken toes= 60 yards
Broken foot= 80 yards
Pulled groin and broken foot= 100 yards
Blinked out of existence= Redo.

              The defensive players were the burliest, weighing in at around 600 lbs or so, and their job was to hurl colossal objects at the other players, as if playing a game of dodge ball, only way, way manlier. Their break-neck aim was unsurpassed and their strength was limitless. They had but one weakness: tender, young boys. Most defensive linebackers were pedophiliac; in fact many brought small boys to their games and would accidentally hurl them at the other players in place of proper projectiles. This was of course illegal since small boys can be thrown at a much faster speed than other items and could kill another player on impact, sometimes the child even blasted through the player to hit the person in back of them. Coming in dead-second in the strength contest are the quarterbacks. Their job was much less important than any other players, though. They were to stand on the sidelines with piles upon piles of flaming pigskin balls. They had to heave the balls over a goalpost that was a good mile away. If accomplished the team received 1 point, but this had little or no effect on the game since scoring a touchdown earned a team 200 points, and touchdowns were handed out to a random team every 30 seconds.

                One of the games with the most casualties recorded was the game between the Alexandria Indians and the Spartan Mohawks. The Spartan team had the genius idea of setting all their members on fire so that the Indians would forfeit out of trepidation, but they didn’t. In fact, the Indians had been doing a 40-legged race earlier and the whole team had tripped and fallen into a vat of napalm powder. Since there was no time for a man-shower (A more extreme form of regular showering), the Indians arrived and the game started as scheduled. When an Indian linebacker tackled a Mohawk quarterback at the beginning of the game, the first physical contact between two players on opposing teams, the napalm reacted to the flaming Spartan and caused a massive explosion that was so hot the sand around them turned to green glass that if looked at could cause the onlooker to radically combust. Unfortunately the football field was surrounded by firecracker warehouses and plutonium gunpowder storage facilities, causing half of Europe to be completely vaporized (The half that contained Francintock, the whiniest country in the world.). The game was abandoned and later revived in North America.