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The Creation of the Universe: by Brian Comforti

To let you know before the chapter, this is written in a Catholic standpoint. Our Catholic standpoint, and right now, the only one you should care about. We do not mock the Catholic religion; simply use God and Jesus as characters in this section. Now let’s start this smorgasbord of reckless creativity! The universe was created by accident, simply from a high-five between Father and Son. Jesus went to a snack machine one day and bought some Doritos, the old kind, and went to go see his dad to tell him that the machine didn’t give him his 50 cents in change. God, out of pure, unrivaled hatred for the snack machine, gave Jesus a high-five, and as a natural reaction Jesus followed and gave his dad some skin. Unbeknownst to the biblical duo, Jesus had accidentally kept the Doritos bag in his hand when he high-fived his papa, and had burst it open with such tremendous, incomprehensible force, that an entire galaxy burst forth from the bag and a theory of a Big Bang¹ was created, since the high-five was so thunderous. For the sake of being religiously correct, the high-five lasted 6 days and on the 7th, God rested. Since God was in a celebratory mood for creating such a glorious galaxy, he asked his son, Jesus, if he wanted to name a planet. Jesus said he wanted to name one Uranus ². God laughed heartily, but then he understood the name and shunned his son, sending him down to a planet called Earth, so he could save the human race from sin. After Jesus returned God gleefully yelled “JK, JK!” and let Jesus live with him for 3 days until he sent him back to Earth. He brought Jesus back to Heaven the next day and in a satisfied roar said “OK, OK, no but seriously you can stay this time!”. God played it off as a joke and they lived happily ever after. That is until Xenu came. Xenu, the leader of the Galactic Confederacy! Xenu waged war on Heaven and he instantaneously lost. The End!

¹ The Big Bang is actually a colossal sound wave created from the high-five that travels at 20 ft/s and is deafeningly loud, and also unavoidable. It will most likely hit our solar system around the year 2930 or something like that, and cause robot hippie rallies about how it was caused by global warming and if we’d stopped drinking Fiji water that none of this would have happened and thus a new political party will form that will be known as the Universe Guild simply because the name had been the original name for Ralph Nader’s party after he won the presidency on July 19th, 2564, and they had built a 20 foot replica of Nader to sit on Abe Lincoln’s lap at his memorial with the famous quote, “Never give up. Universe Guild 4 life!” engraved on his crotch.

² “Jesus was 5 years old at the time and in the last stages of puberty. He had already grown a full beard which he’d named Lazarus because it may one day rise from the dead and prove that Jesus is the Messiah” – Luke 8:57-62

Description
The Creation of the Universe: by Brian Comforti

To let you know before the chapter, this is written in a Catholic standpoint. Our Catholic standpoint, and right now, the only one you should care about. We do not mock the Catholic religion; simply use God and Jesus as characters in this section. Now let’s start this smorgasbord of reckless creativity! The universe was created by accident, simply from a high-five between Father and Son. Jesus went to a snack machine one day and bought some Doritos, the old kind, and went to go see his dad to tell him that the machine didn’t give him his 50 cents in change. God, out of pure, unrivaled hatred for the snack machine, gave Jesus a high-five, and as a natural reaction Jesus followed and gave his dad some skin. Unbeknownst to the biblical duo, Jesus had accidentally kept the Doritos bag in his hand when he high-fived his papa, and had burst it open with such tremendous, incomprehensible force, that an entire galaxy burst forth from the bag and a theory of a Big Bang¹ was created, since the high-five was so thunderous. For the sake of being religiously correct, the high-five lasted 6 days and on the 7th, God rested. Since God was in a celebratory mood for creating such a glorious galaxy, he asked his son, Jesus, if he wanted to name a planet. Jesus said he wanted to name one Uranus ². God laughed heartily, but then he understood the name and shunned his son, sending him down to a planet called Earth, so he could save the human race from sin. After Jesus returned God gleefully yelled “JK, JK!” and let Jesus live with him for 3 days until he sent him back to Earth. He brought Jesus back to Heaven the next day and in a satisfied roar said “OK, OK, no but seriously you can stay this time!”. God played it off as a joke and they lived happily ever after. That is until Xenu came. Xenu, the leader of the Galactic Confederacy! Xenu waged war on Heaven and he instantaneously lost. The End!

¹ The Big Bang is actually a colossal sound wave created from the high-five that travels at 20 ft/s and is deafeningly loud, and also unavoidable. It will most likely hit our solar system around the year 2930 or something like that, and cause robot hippie rallies about how it was caused by global warming and if we’d stopped drinking Fiji water that none of this would have happened and thus a new political party will form that will be known as the Universe Guild simply because the name had been the original name for Ralph Nader’s party after he won the presidency on July 19th, 2564, and they had built a 20 foot replica of Nader to sit on Abe Lincoln’s lap at his memorial with the famous quote, “Never give up. Universe Guild 4 life!” engraved on his crotch.

² “Jesus was 5 years old at the time and in the last stages of puberty. He had already grown a full beard which he’d named Lazarus because it may one day rise from the dead and prove that Jesus is the Messiah” – Luke 8:57-62