HOME | DD

witch1978 β€” What time is it?
Published: 2012-01-27 18:46:03 +0000 UTC; Views: 2088; Favourites: 33; Downloads: 7
Redirect to original
Description She was standing at the departure platform and looked to the ground. Cold wind blew around her, but she barely felt it. A voice announced that the train would arrive six minutes later.

It didn't matter, nothing mattered anymore. She looked upwards, at the big clock hanging from the ceiling, saw the clock-hand jerk forward, with every second passing. It had started to rain.

She looked around; there were a lot of other people at the platform. They were listening to music, talking to each other, reading a book, some were even laughing. Others just stood there waiting impatiently. A young couple were holding hands, kissing each other. Again she turned her eyes to the ground.

She felt like crying, but the tears did not came. She wondered if she had wept too much lately. The voice announced that the train would arrive shortly. She looked to the right, could see the lights in the distance, growing bigger as the train rushed to the station.

She took one step forward to the border of the platform. Time slowed down, it felt like an eternity until she did the second one, then a third, stepped over the warning line at the ground, standing directly at the border. Her eyes wereΒ Β still fixed downwards, seeing the polished train-rails glitter, a small pond where the water from the rain had gathered into a small puddle. She looked to the right, the train was near, she could already feel its vibration.

Her body jerked as if struck by lightning, when she felt a bony hand on her shoulder. She whirled around. It was a an old man. He was small, his face looking like a wrinkled cloth wrapped around a skull. Thick eyeglasses made his ancient eyes bigger then they were. His head was covered by thin remains of white hair. He opened his mouth, some teeth were missing. "Excuse me Miss, what time is it?"

She felt the shockwave as the train rushed past her back, the wind pushed her half a step back from the border of the platform. She looked at the clock on the ceiling, but as she opened her lips the words were stuck in her throat. She had not spoken anything for nearly a week. She coughed and said "7:58" in a low voice.

"Thank you ... my eyes are not so good anymore, i can barely make out the clock-hands ... 7:58 ... then there is still more then enough time left" he answered with a smile, and entered the train with the other people.

The doors closed, and shortly afterwards the train set into motion again. She was still standing at the platform, looking at the ground, but into opposite direction to the rails. After remaing there unmoved for some minutes she took a step away from the border. Then another. And another. Each one faster then the one before. She was running down an out of order escalator and was leaving the station. She had no umbrella, no coat. Raindrops flowed down her face, mixing with warm tears.
Related content
Comments: 27

dungeonguy59 [2018-12-29 17:45:34 +0000 UTC]

An interesting short story to read through and ponder over. it sorted or reminded me of some photos I shot on a grungy winter day several years ago:Β 

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

ragnaice [2012-10-12 18:07:39 +0000 UTC]

This is great. There is so much story in there in spite of the shortness of it. It's wonderful how you made something so, erm - what's the word? Poignant? - out of something so mundane as asking someone for the time

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

xlntwtch [2012-09-18 08:48:50 +0000 UTC]

Congratulations on the DLD. This is a great story and I'll be happy to follow that link asap. Thank you.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

DailyLitDeviations [2012-09-18 03:55:42 +0000 UTC]

Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by ing the News Article.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

Leah-the-Red [2012-07-13 22:58:15 +0000 UTC]

I just have to respond to the title....





ADVENTURE TIME!!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

witch1978 In reply to Leah-the-Red [2012-07-14 10:49:58 +0000 UTC]

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

Gyr633 [2012-05-24 19:42:41 +0000 UTC]

To reply to the comment you left me, I think I would gladly illustrate this writing, if you were to perhaps work this into a longer story, or even just make into a script. I this story is about a girl who is depressed and wants to kill herself, and she is saddened by the couple kissing and holding hands because of something that happened between her and a loved one. I think that for whatever reason, the girl broke up with her beloved, because they had a fight. If you wanted to turn this into a comic with me, I think it would be really interesting to illustrate how she got to this point, and have a narrative from the girls point of view, and then perhaps she finds her beloved, and jumps in his arms, with some sort of narrative lesson at the end.

I feel like this would be a great chance to work with another writer, and great practice on realism and perspective in comics, without making a huge commitment (i.e. an ongoing comicbook series which would be well over 20 pages, while I think this would end up being around 4-8 pages.)

Thank you very much for your concideration. Please get back to me as soon as you can.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

witch1978 In reply to Gyr633 [2012-05-26 22:18:07 +0000 UTC]

Thanks, have written you a short note about the idea with some changes and script ideas. Your Ideas are good, and might be a very solid base for a new story (some changes did not fit so well, to the original idea/intention of this story)

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

Gyr633 In reply to witch1978 [2012-05-26 23:02:40 +0000 UTC]

alright thanks

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

RipplingEmbers [2012-05-20 06:35:50 +0000 UTC]

Hmm, I quite liked this story. I'll admit I found it a bit hard to understand exactly what was going on, especially why she was in the station, which to me would have been important to know. However, reading other's comments, I can see why you did not explain that, writing instead only about what was happening to her at that moment. It is definitely a powerful story, and makes more sense once I read it a second time, but, in my opinion, I think giving a little more explanation would have been helpful. Not a lot, but maybe just a line or two placed at the proper place could have cleared things up a bit without overdoing it. Either way, though, very nicely written. ^_^

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

witch1978 In reply to RipplingEmbers [2012-05-24 16:15:29 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for the comment

The "why she was at the station" should only become more and more clear as the story progresses (when was the moment you realized for yourself that she wanted to jump in front of the train? For some it may be very obvious from the beginning, for others only short before the old man grab her) ... if it would be revealed from the beginning it would somehow destroy the suprise ... but maybe I should notice that in the description which is rather short compared to the usual essay I write on my other stories

The story is currently made into a short comic, which captures the uncertanty of the story in my opinon very well [link]

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

RipplingEmbers In reply to witch1978 [2012-05-24 23:33:39 +0000 UTC]

So was she there specifically for the one reason of killing herself? I got the impression that she was waiting to go away on the train, but felt a desire to die instead, and then, once the man stopped her, she ran away, back to home, deciding not to leave (on one way or another...) But then, in my mind, the only reason to be at a train station would be to get on a train, or of that sort, not to die, so maybe I just didn't understand it because of that... *shrugs*

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

witch1978 In reply to RipplingEmbers [2012-05-28 09:54:45 +0000 UTC]

Yep, at least that was what I wanted to express/hint, even though not so direct in the beginning. I think latest when she stepped over the warning line her intentions should be clear to (almost) everyone

Wonder who I could make this more clear without relieing to the sledgehammer

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

Tom-MarvoloRiddle [2012-02-29 19:40:54 +0000 UTC]

Beautiful story, it moved me so much

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

witch1978 In reply to Tom-MarvoloRiddle [2012-03-07 13:00:59 +0000 UTC]

Thanks, was there anything specific that moved you?

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

Tom-MarvoloRiddle In reply to witch1978 [2012-03-07 13:29:33 +0000 UTC]

That apparently irrelevant things can have relevant meaning

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

Laylana [2012-02-25 05:36:25 +0000 UTC]

This is really great!
Because you do not point her out as a kind of heroine (who cannot carry the burden of her life anymore) through describing her emotions so universally but not impersonally, it could raise the love to -all- people dealing with thoughts of suiciding. I think, that gives your story a real depth and makes it so emotionally touchable for me while to feel it.
The kind of unwitting wisdom of the old man, however, fitting so perfectly to her situation, likewise impresses the significance of her decision (and of all decisions like that)...

In short words: That's a really gorgeous work and I really love how you captured her perceptions, feelings and behaviour - it just works so much authentical!
And it works like a really well-transposed metaphor, so powerful and impressing!

Thank you so much for sharing!!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

witch1978 In reply to Laylana [2012-02-26 09:04:58 +0000 UTC]

Thanks

I first thought about adding also the complete "Why", but that would become too long and distracting, and would also ruin the universal appeal and drag the attention from what I wanted to focus on.

Somehow my best writings (both, from feedback and my own opinion) are the ones where I just focus on a situation and the feeling it creates and don't drow in details about what has lead to it and long descriptions about how the character looks like.

Thats maybe also one reason why it makes it so easy for the reader to imagine herself in the characters place.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

Laylana In reply to witch1978 [2012-03-07 22:48:30 +0000 UTC]

Yes, I'm able to relate to what you're saying - if you would have explained everything longer, it wouldn't be as much laconic and meaningful (or at least in another way) as it is.

Maybe it is also because life's often like that - your past and all the explainings etc. are (of course) also inside you, however, at one special moment -now- you are only capable to concentrate mainly on the present and don't have your whole past all the time in mind.
So what you wrote seems to be not only a story, but very lifelike...

Anyway, you're most welcome! It is a wonderful work!!

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

bvdphoto [2012-02-19 14:51:00 +0000 UTC]

wow . Such a beautiful and touching story. I was really moved. The man really changed her perspective. I like that. Some people are good and I see you have made that show through the man.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

witch1978 In reply to bvdphoto [2012-02-20 20:35:45 +0000 UTC]

Thank you, I hoped that it has this effect and was not too obvious or intrusive ... the old men does not nessesary has to be a good person, he may never knew what he did, he was just an old men with bad eyes, the right time at the right place ...

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

bvdphoto In reply to witch1978 [2012-02-21 14:36:08 +0000 UTC]

yeah . Ilike how maybe the man may have not actually known what he did which was really powerful. I like it because it reminds me of this quote a teach once told me:

Always smile at others, because you never know what they are dealing with.

typically it just for me means, treat others nicely because that might do something for them you never knew was possible.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

QuantumInnovator [2012-02-14 14:13:39 +0000 UTC]

An excellent story that shows that the smallest actions can sometimes make the biggest difference.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

witch1978 In reply to QuantumInnovator [2012-02-20 20:24:03 +0000 UTC]

Thank you, even though the decision was still hers in the end.

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0

ScreamingExplosion [2012-01-28 17:49:49 +0000 UTC]

This is a really beautiful story!
It almost made me cry in the end..
Whatever you did a really nice job (:

--
Anything can be Art, anything can be self-expression. Now take your weapon and run with it!!" ~Frank Iero

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

witch1978 In reply to ScreamingExplosion [2012-01-29 21:25:39 +0000 UTC]

Thanks, i hope it was not too sad ... at least the ending has a bit of hope and is not totally unhappy

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 1

ScreamingExplosion In reply to witch1978 [2012-02-01 13:52:04 +0000 UTC]

Yeah, the end makes this interesting difference xD

--
Anything can be Art, anything can be self-expression. Now take your weapon and run with it! ~Frank Iero

πŸ‘: 0 ⏩: 0