HOME | DD
WordOfChen — Undying
Published: 2013-02-06 17:03:43 +0000 UTC; Views: 4253; Favourites: 190; Downloads: 90
Redirect to original
Description
Undying:How many days do you spend now, putting me down?
The coffin call for a dead man waiting around
"He's just an underground laughing stock, never to rise"
But on the seventh day I'm coming back; these are my ties!
The kind of promise that you made with the devil inside
You try to take away my soul, but I take it in stride
I ain't a doll that is crushed by the weight of his pride
I am the real and the raw of the things you denied!
You're playing snake games, selling oil, pass it off strong
You're just a pot head, weed dead, smoking your bong.
You try to look away, play and hide; apathy's best
But I'm the kind of bad boy you don't put to the test!
-Chen Yuan Wen, 7th February 2013
Related content
Comments: 56
Cap, you need my hand here.
Yes.,I could sense a rhythm like a rap too but I learned to overlook that and get on with real academic moves. Your premier skill and I have seen this with another poet, is that you play with rhyme patterns. Here, you start with couplets [stanza 1] and hen your second stanza is all the same rhyme. The succeeding lines are emphatic,I assume, since they are italicized, and they add a real tense mood. Furthermore, you are back with the original couplets, which is a rounding sensation. The content, about deals with Satan? and revival of the dead should be classed as horror but that is immaterial. Altogether, you done it well.
If you like my critiques, send an invitation to join.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I don't really like this. It comes off as a rap, which gives it a nice thudding rhythm, but the actual "creativity" lacks. I don't see the message, I don't see an image, and I certainly don't see much effort. The only thing it has, in my mind, is that rap style and rhythm. Put this to a beat and this would be a good track on a rap album.
But as I read this over, as I'm writing this critique, it seems disjointed in a lot of places. You go from death and resurrection to satanic ritual and voodoo (the doll), and from drugs to children's games. I look at this and wonder where your meaning is, if there is one.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Perhaps there's no need for a meaning at all, who said, poetry had to have any sense? :3
Personally this is just my way of writing out, since DA shuffled my works and I just felt like doing some rap to fill in the void.
The real meaning of the work is contained in the title 'Undying'. If you read each individual piece it may not make much sense, but read the whole thing together and you'll see that that the rapper is at first talking about how he's put down, then he moves on to explain that no matter what the other person does (ref: the devil's deal) he won't go down. Finally he denounces his opponent as a snake oil salesman and references his true nature (as an apathetic pot head which was the person I based the model off) and we finish off there with a call out.
Hope this helps
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I always dig for meaning, even if it's writing for writing's sake, because there's still a reason for something to come out a certain way.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Well I explained the meaning xD
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
This is absolutely beautiful! And the rhythm? Amazing. I was practically rapping in my head to this.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you for enjoying it ^^ It was indeed a rap and I hope to do more in future :3
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Well, I look forward to them.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Thanks for enjoying it ^^
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
i really like this. a lot. thank you, i have no words.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You're welcome ^^ Glad you enjoyed it :3
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
No words to express this poem's awesomeness, Perfect
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Aye, well I'm glad ye liked it ^^
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Shuffle means t' shift yer work back behind a less popular piece for no reason. It's happened before but now I'm sorta just meh about it xD
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
O: okay thanks for the info 
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Thank ye kindly ^^
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Nice job, Captain.
But what do you mean by, "shuffled" your deviations?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Shuffled means t' put yer piece behind a less popular piece without warning or reason. It happens occasionally to me xD
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Thank ye fer enjoyin' it ^^
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Aye, and ye know that :3
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
It's really good, but I wish you would just choose a number of syllables per line. some have twelve, some have eleven, and most have thirteen; that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it was kind of distracting to me... I don't know, I'm just overly sensitive to stuff like that.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Sorry, that's something I'd never do xD Cause that just ain't me style
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
well it's good you have your own style
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
And then do wot? xD
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Fight, be better than before you were knocked down.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Thank ye ^^
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I really like this one. It inspires me to make something!
Well done, good sir. Well done.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Aww yer welcome. I hope it turns out well ^^
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
A great shotglass rap poem. I can see someone saying this in a rap battle. Wonderful job, keep up the excellent work!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Actually this is just a rap, shot glass rap would be about 8 lines and its pretty tough t' do those xD
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
When I read one of your poems meant to be a sort of rap, I always read it in the voice of Mike from Linkin Park. XD
Anyways, another great poem!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Bwahaha thank ye kindly fer that ^^
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
XD you're very we3lcome! (:
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
You know, Chen... when I'm having a pretty crummy day, I can always count on one of your poems to help cheer me up. Thank you for writing this.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Egads lad, why are ye havin' a crummy day? xD
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Because I got two epically great stories in my head (A MLP fan-fic and a fantasy novel) and I just can't get myself to sit and write.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Hmmm, ye'll have t' just pull yerself together and DO IT then :3
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Ok. If I do get something down, you mind readin' it, chen?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Send as a note and ye should be addressin' me as Captain. Crew's got to follow the rules o' ettiquette you know >3<
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
| Next =>