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Description
Kinda just a quick sketch about the things I'm feeling about my (pretty sure, like, 150% sure anyway) diagnosis. It's...kinda hard coming to terms with this syndrome and that it can't ever be stopped, but I kinda had a feeling this was it. So many things about my body and life are making a lot more sense now. It definitely has to be PCOS; not much else really does this to the ovaries and other things are already getting ruled out....*sigh* plus my deepened voice and other kinda male-like features...the instability and extremity in moods. I'm going to have to change so god damn much in my life just to be able to manage this shit better. I'll be on one hormonal medicine soon (and have to take months to make sure it's helping) and probably some other ones after that (for the insulin resistance), and if worse comes to worse well my ovaries might have to come out - both of em. c: Next I'm being sent to a gynecologist and therapist...

One can't help but wonder....just how much of myself is only the disease? How much of myself is my actual attraction, sex drive, and personality? Sigh (I am totally having an identity crisis because of this). I just have to ask if I never had it...would I be a completely different person? Lived a different life, have different beliefs? I can't help but think, I wouldn't be the same. Ever since my first period...I knew something wasn't right...it was devastatingly painful, and have been ever since...I knew I wasn't like the other girls and I wasn't growing like them, nor really behaving like them...I essentially was really, a sex-hormone amalgamation freak. I truly am a monster...on the inside, and it makes me act out in terrible ways with almost no real control over my emotions...hence the werewolf in the picture. Because sometimes, it really does feel like being one... just how much of myself is...really me? Or is all of me always has just been, a walking disease?

So...what my body is doing, and what it will do until my final breath, or ovaries are taken and I get thrown into menopause...it's a horrible, negative feedback loop between 3 organs. The pituitary gland, the pancreas, and ovaries, are all fucking with each other...which is why it is called a syndrome rather than a disease. It's a more complicated series of biological events that definitely makes you feel diseased...I knew I wasn't normal. So the pituitary gland is constantly bombarding my ovaries with a certain hormone, and not enough of the other, bombarding it constantly. So the eggs more than likely don't mature, and so can't leave, and they turn into fluid filled sacs. The body in attempt to heal this, tries to then give those sacs testosterone to hopefully push them out...but by then, it's too late, and they are turned to fluid and anchored down. So each new follicle and cyst that gets stuck causes even more T in my system. How does the pancreas come in? Well, these hormones being wrong also makes you resistant to your own insulin...which is why I always had blood sugar crashes and problems as a teenager and couldn't eat right. So insulin resistance, and hormonal imbalance, causes a lot of stress on the brain and body (obviously) and stress hormones will ALSO turn to testosterone in my body...so not eating right, and environmental factors causing stress, also increases T in me to compensate and probably give me more strength to push through...thus making it worse. I also think that hormone does affect the insulin in you too and that might be why the pancreas also contributes to this shitty loop, idk there's tons of videos on it and it's very complicated...not all women have the same symptoms either, same sex drive, same androgenized features either. You'll be either 0 sex drive...or over 9000, and I got the latter.

I thought I'd always be happy to part with my uterus but, my uterus is unaffected...it's my fucking gonads! One of the worst things that can be removed from you...it makes me so sad. I've been grieving over my life and body for a while now and I keep randomly crying...I just knew it. 1 in fucking 10 women, 1 in 10...and there isn't much that can really be done about this. Everything says it's incurable, only manageable, and only you and medicine can help make it more bearable to live in your body. So I probably never had to worry about being pregnant...my eggs don't mature and they fester inside me, and turn to testosterone conduits, and boy does it make me feel like absolute ass. Maybe even why subconsciously I have that oviposition fetish...maybe because my eggs are broken, and most of them can't ripen. I think I'll always have a tinge of sadness there now when I see eggs or see this spring time...my flower is withered, and always has been...and might have to be plucked.

I also am working on some other things just...very very slowly. I have to kind of...rework my entire life...and even my relationship has been in the gutter for a while now and I'm trying my best to be able to move on...everything is just so painful right now, so please forgive me if I'm even slower than before...I really have a lot to work on in my real life, and want a better real life other than just being alone and doing art all the time...nature will mostly heal me.

I think I am also going to find black pearls to wear...to sort of represent my struggle. They appear like a black pearl necklace on the ultrasounds...

*******************************************************************

So yeah I guess..I apologize for my craziness...I really couldn't help it, probably ever...and I have to do so much for my body and mind now. That previous pic still holds true though...I have indeed left the FANDOM (Fnaf) and it's cold hard merciless grip on me, but I actually love standing alone...probably should have always. I have always been a freak that should care not for the attention of other humans...I don't need their judgement anyway...everything I always do ever, was to fulfil my dreams and attempt to conquer a messed up body, mind, and past... please know I barely had control over my temper and horniness, and I regret it each and every time the werewolf does come out...hormonal problems affected my life much worse than I ever really thought possible.

And I'm not so obsessed as I used to be but...I may still draw anything that's really on my heart and I think I got one singular thing I want to do...FOR ME. No one else...honestly, it was ALL for me...I just wanted to share it because I thought that would be in my favor and draw kinky folks to me...it just...scared everyone off instead. Anyway Imma just, do things for me and not care about much. Even if that makes me a "hypocrite", idc anymore.

Description
Kinda just a quick sketch about the things I'm feeling about my (pretty sure, like, 150% sure anyway) diagnosis. It's...kinda hard coming to terms with this syndrome and that it can't ever be stopped, but I kinda had a feeling this was it. So many things about my body and life are making a lot more sense now. It definitely has to be PCOS; not much else really does this to the ovaries and other things are already getting ruled out....*sigh* plus my deepened voice and other kinda male-like features...the instability and extremity in moods. I'm going to have to change so god damn much in my life just to be able to manage this shit better. I'll be on one hormonal medicine soon (and have to take months to make sure it's helping) and probably some other ones after that (for the insulin resistance), and if worse comes to worse well my ovaries might have to come out - both of em. c: Next I'm being sent to a gynecologist and therapist...

One can't help but wonder....just how much of myself is only the disease? How much of myself is my actual attraction, sex drive, and personality? Sigh (I am totally having an identity crisis because of this). I just have to ask if I never had it...would I be a completely different person? Lived a different life, have different beliefs? I can't help but think, I wouldn't be the same. Ever since my first period...I knew something wasn't right...it was devastatingly painful, and have been ever since...I knew I wasn't like the other girls and I wasn't growing like them, nor really behaving like them...I essentially was really, a sex-hormone amalgamation freak. I truly am a monster...on the inside, and it makes me act out in terrible ways with almost no real control over my emotions...hence the werewolf in the picture. Because sometimes, it really does feel like being one... just how much of myself is...really me? Or is all of me always has just been, a walking disease?

So...what my body is doing, and what it will do until my final breath, or ovaries are taken and I get thrown into menopause...it's a horrible, negative feedback loop between 3 organs. The pituitary gland, the pancreas, and ovaries, are all fucking with each other...which is why it is called a syndrome rather than a disease. It's a more complicated series of biological events that definitely makes you feel diseased...I knew I wasn't normal. So the pituitary gland is constantly bombarding my ovaries with a certain hormone, and not enough of the other, bombarding it constantly. So the eggs more than likely don't mature, and so can't leave, and they turn into fluid filled sacs. The body in attempt to heal this, tries to then give those sacs testosterone to hopefully push them out...but by then, it's too late, and they are turned to fluid and anchored down. So each new follicle and cyst that gets stuck causes even more T in my system. How does the pancreas come in? Well, these hormones being wrong also makes you resistant to your own insulin...which is why I always had blood sugar crashes and problems as a teenager and couldn't eat right. So insulin resistance, and hormonal imbalance, causes a lot of stress on the brain and body (obviously) and stress hormones will ALSO turn to testosterone in my body...so not eating right, and environmental factors causing stress, also increases T in me to compensate and probably give me more strength to push through...thus making it worse. I also think that hormone does affect the insulin in you too and that might be why the pancreas also contributes to this shitty loop, idk there's tons of videos on it and it's very complicated...not all women have the same symptoms either, same sex drive, same androgenized features either. You'll be either 0 sex drive...or over 9000, and I got the latter.

I thought I'd always be happy to part with my uterus but, my uterus is unaffected...it's my fucking gonads! One of the worst things that can be removed from you...it makes me so sad. I've been grieving over my life and body for a while now and I keep randomly crying...I just knew it. 1 in fucking 10 women, 1 in 10...and there isn't much that can really be done about this. Everything says it's incurable, only manageable, and only you and medicine can help make it more bearable to live in your body. So I probably never had to worry about being pregnant...my eggs don't mature and they fester inside me, and turn to testosterone conduits, and boy does it make me feel like absolute ass. Maybe even why subconsciously I have that oviposition fetish...maybe because my eggs are broken, and most of them can't ripen. I think I'll always have a tinge of sadness there now when I see eggs or see this spring time...my flower is withered, and always has been...and might have to be plucked.

I also am working on some other things just...very very slowly. I have to kind of...rework my entire life...and even my relationship has been in the gutter for a while now and I'm trying my best to be able to move on...everything is just so painful right now, so please forgive me if I'm even slower than before...I really have a lot to work on in my real life, and want a better real life other than just being alone and doing art all the time...nature will mostly heal me.

I think I am also going to find black pearls to wear...to sort of represent my struggle. They appear like a black pearl necklace on the ultrasounds...

*******************************************************************

So yeah I guess..I apologize for my craziness...I really couldn't help it, probably ever...and I have to do so much for my body and mind now. That previous pic still holds true though...I have indeed left the FANDOM (Fnaf) and it's cold hard merciless grip on me, but I actually love standing alone...probably should have always. I have always been a freak that should care not for the attention of other humans...I don't need their judgement anyway...everything I always do ever, was to fulfil my dreams and attempt to conquer a messed up body, mind, and past... please know I barely had control over my temper and horniness, and I regret it each and every time the werewolf does come out...hormonal problems affected my life much worse than I ever really thought possible.

And I'm not so obsessed as I used to be but...I may still draw anything that's really on my heart and I think I got one singular thing I want to do...FOR ME. No one else...honestly, it was ALL for me...I just wanted to share it because I thought that would be in my favor and draw kinky folks to me...it just...scared everyone off instead. Anyway Imma just, do things for me and not care about much. Even if that makes me a "hypocrite", idc anymore.