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zphoenixdownz — beauty is disastrous 2.0
Published: 2004-10-29 09:45:11 +0000 UTC; Views: 607; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 27
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Description
3.i am a skin city
bursting nuclear into
a million specks
that could be
a million stars
or could be
inhaled
in a breath
2.
the casual
"fuck me"
eyes kill
launching missiles
with a key card smile
and the gentle push
of a forlock button
1.
take these
blank
glaring
paper words
fold them into
origami birds
pull the tails
and make them flap their wings
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Comments: 18
I missed this first time round as I'm sure I would have commented before. Really like this - got to be a fav.
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glad you caught it on the second time round
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Parts 3 and 1 are really excellent. I don't know if it's the crude "fuck me" or what in part 2, but it didn't appeal to me as much as the other two. Nr 1 and 3 are very beautiful, nr 2 is not so much... maybe it's good, maybe we should accept that beauty isn't all, and therefore that "fuck me" is very integral, but yet... it's so very much there, too present in the poem, taking all the attention of that part.
Meh I'm rambling. It's a very good poem, and I loved the ending in any case.
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I enjoyed the motif of a permeable skin, or a see-through sort of world, where the things we perceive are not so self-evident as to be understood completely.
The overt sexuality illustrated in the poem and the correlation with a holocaust, or nuclear apocalypse is a nice additive, even if the language can tend towards crass and bypass eloquence. The nature of the words is not so much my concern as the format, which i did enjoy (reading backwards, of course: 1, 2, 3). The progression towards destruction, or in this case 'orgasm' (that's my read), is well-stated, and the order hints at one of two things:
1. the act of - permitting that the endeavour was succesful
2. the thought of - which would explain the order in which you formatted it, the vision of sexuality is more permanent and sustainable than the act of, which in turn would correlate with the motif of unsustainable substances.
This is a vast improvement over the first draft, and anyone who says otherwise clearly has a different opinion...
What we see in this world is barely enough to get us through.
- Keegan
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you can have my skin city all you want...
oh wait you're married. sorry.
lol
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good
it's always nice to have you on board
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a countdown to simplicity
3. general
2. personal
1. epochal
launching missiles
with a key card smile
and the gentle push
of a forlock button
creative as hell. and perfectly illustrated, too.
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yeah - I can't think of a worse feeling than having a great fucking line but not being able to think of anything else to accompany it. when that happens i generally write it down and save it for a rainy day.
absolutely no problem, man.
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glad you liked it
as you can tell from the first version, a lot of people really liked the first (third) stanza.
it took me quite some time to write the other parts unintentionally for this piece
but sometimes the best poems are scrapbook, you know?
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This is great. 'Nuff said. Well, the second part of #2 is a little crass, but it's nothing a bit of tweakage could take care of.
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thank you very much for the fav
i'm glad you liked it
i guess i'm a little curious as to what is crass... the "fuck me," or the forlock bit?
when you say "the second part of #2" i'm lost
because the stanzas are numbered backwards
and i don't know how you're looking at the poem
i'm slightly confused in my madness from another person's perspective... lol
although i guess i can see how one might interpret the entire second stanza as being more elaborately and graphically sexual than i may have intended. perhaps i should alter the quotation for a gentler effect?
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the firsr stanza flows amazingly well. the rest of the poem, though very well written, seems a little clumsy when compared to it. the other stanzas have great imagery and flow very nicely, but that first one is great. i especially like the imagery of the beginning and how starkly it contrasts with the imagery of the last stanza. nice work.
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compare it to the original and
let me know what you think
about the differences
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hello, sorry for the delayed response. well you had asked for me to check out the original for beauty is disasterous and here is where i am at on the subject. i am mostly shocked at how differently i read the two. the second one packs more of a visual punch and really left me thinking but that was due to the fact that you gave no description and at the time i didn't read the original.so having read the original i now have a better understanding of the subject matter based off of the description of the orginal. overall i i like the re-write better, except for the numbering. i felt that after reading the orginal the numbering gave it a colder feel than the first one, which what i liked about the first one was the tenderness of it. well i have no idea if this does anything for you.i see you've post some stuff in the last couple of weeks or so. i'll be back for those, but right now i'm off to bed. take care.
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Not too bad. These are very good they are consistent and have good imagesry and thought. Nice work.
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thank you for reading
and thanks for the comment
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