HOME | DD
bite06me β Perfect Sin
Published: 2004-02-19 07:48:10 +0000 UTC; Views: 423; Favourites: 9; Downloads: 93
Redirect to original
Description
She's huddled in the corner,There's blood all over the floor.
Her sleeves are soaking red,
and eyes welling up with tears.
Only hoping she's locked the door.
She's popping pills 'til midnight-
that's when she's out the window.
Running off to more secret delights
When warned this could be harmful-
her only thought, with a shrug,Β Β is "so?"
Carrying razors in her pocket,
for quick releases in the bathroom stall,
Always wearing those long sleeves...
But all the questions are squashed-
With glares while she's slipping through the hall.
Dried blood on her school books,
Empty pill bottles under her bed.
She always thought of the best lies- escapes-
So no one worried about what was going on-
What was going on inside her head.
Each night was filled with partying,
Each night was filled with pain.
The game was getting nowhere fast-
but she didn't feel the need to stop
No one ever saw her complain.
The nights were crying, bleeding- screams,
Wicked thoughts brew deep with in-
too many pills, a bottle of 'V'
The everything had led her-
Led her to that perfect sin.
Related content
Comments: 28
I know what you mean about the subject being overdone, but i don't think it matters cos everyone views it differently. Great work
π: 0 β©: 0
Since I lack time, hereβs my half-asses critique for you.
This get repetitive very fast. I suggest you become more original as you go into more stanzas, you use the same descriptions over again, which really takes away from what your trying to say.
Your rhymes, though predictable, are somewhat consistent, but you break from this in the second stanza. Your rhyme scheme hits bump there, you may want to fix that.
"So no one worried about what was going on-
What was going on inside her head."
There is no need to repeat "going on" in the next line, try to find another avenue for that line. I'd suggest taking it out entirely, but that would make your stanzas un even.
Your flow is off in all sorts of places, particularly in the fourth stanza.
Your goal may have been to make the message clear, but I can already see what the entire poem is about in the first stanza, which makes this boring. I suggest you experiment more with word use, so you can be more clever with revealing your message. Try to avoid clichΓ©s as well. I commend you on using " red" instead of "crimson" though.
Your stanzas are even, as I've said, which makes this much more readable. Your grammar is decent as well. I think that if you work on this more it could be so much better.
π: 0 β©: 0
its all blood razors and pills OH NO!
π: 0 β©: 0
I just really like those, no way to explain it.
π: 0 β©: 0
absolutley beatiful... i love how you wrote this.
π: 0 β©: 0
just beautiful....it speaks volumes...to me at least.
π: 0 β©: 1
thank you
see this is the poem i would have liked to be on the front page instead.
i really dont like ADdicted To Blood as much, not at all....
π: 0 β©: 1
I see, I think they're both just awesome, but on the plus side, youll get more traffic and then people can read this, as well as all your other great poems.
π: 0 β©: 0
HOLY SHIT!!! this is beautiful!!!! totally beautiful...would you mind if i put this in that poetry notebook too that i asked you about also??
π: 0 β©: 2
err... dont mean to be rude or jump to conclusions- but this notebook petry thing, will i be credited, or will it say you wrote it... heh i've had problems with people saying they wrote my poetry in the past... dont mean to be rude i feel like a jackass just asking... x_x
π: 0 β©: 1
oh...don't worry!! you will get the credit for it don't worry!!!!!! so, is that okay???
π: 0 β©: 1
haha yes yes,
im sorry for asking, eee i feel like a jack ass
use use use it! i feel honored!
π: 0 β©: 1
awesome!! thanks...dont' feel like a jackass...it's a legitamate question!! so, i'll use the Perfect Sin and Wrecked I and II..thanks holly
π: 0 β©: 1
again, no problem- anytime
im quite honored
π: 0 β©: 0
if you wish, you may use it
π: 0 β©: 0
i liked this one alot... i can picture what you write which does wonders with my imagination and i love that
keep up the great work
π: 0 β©: 1
very well written - intense imagery and emotion -
π: 0 β©: 1
π: 0 β©: 1
ah why thank you
as my thirst for cutting flows on in
i do believe it's time to explore my [even] darker side.
cuz tho i can be dark with my poetry... hmm i would like to write about cutting a little more often
i know... its a way over done topic
but im in control here, and hey its not overdone if its what you are living, eh?
So yes yes,
im gald you enjoyed
π: 0 β©: 0
