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Clevina — The Life Before
Published: 2012-02-10 10:13:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 833; Favourites: 20; Downloads: 9
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Description Big courtyard with
Garments of silk,
Paper fans,
Bracelets of jade,
Young girls with their
Thick black braids,
Old ladies with
Bound feet and canes.

Revolutions come
And when they go
They leave behind ashes
And pasts aglow.
The life before
Only grandma knows
But what happens
After she goes?
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Comments: 31

Avallynh [2012-04-25 14:39:00 +0000 UTC]

my first impression of the poem is that of a fleeting, fade breath of the old Orient. as such, your imagery is well integrated, centrifugal to that theme -- personally, i did do a bit of a double-take to the first stanza wondering if there was something about cherry blossoms that i had missed, just because it seemed to belong to that mosaic so much.

the rhyme is unobtrusive and does help the flow along. the only thing i'd point out is that you capitalise 'grandma', more because of her being the one holding all these images than anything else, and also that you add a semi-colon to better break that verse from the next two.

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Clevina In reply to Avallynh [2012-04-28 14:26:14 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for the comment!

Haha, cherry blossoms. They seem to be more associated with Japan, but I guess China has them too. I wasn't thinking of them though when I wrote this poem, since this was specifically about China.

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simplyfeel [2012-02-25 06:54:09 +0000 UTC]

Hope you are having a fantastic day, afternoon, or night (whenever you are reading this)!

First impressions of the early lines? I thought it was about ancient China. Am I right or wrong on that? Anyway, my first impression of the overall poem was that it is short, sweet, and beautiful.
Great imagery. It takes you there. The second stanza's imagery and the first's tie in so well together. The first stanza sets of this scene and the second stanza breaks it down. The past and the how we got to the present.
Great flow. I did notice the rhyme scheme. More of in the second stanza though. Didn't really add or take away from the poem.
I love the ending. What will happen when all reminders of the past die out or leave? What's stopping us from going back to that? How do we really learn about it? Engrossing questions to end off with.

Overall, geat job!

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Clevina In reply to simplyfeel [2012-02-25 09:18:21 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the comment! I'm glad the imagery worked hehe (I'm usually not an imagery person).

Haha the poem is actually not about ancient China. It's about the early 20th century, in the days of the Republic of China before 1949, because those were the days of my grandmother's childhood. And China experienced a lot of revolutions in the 20th century but the one I referred to is the Cultural Revolution (in which a lot of history was destroyed...sadly). But then readers can interpret poems in whatever way they want. I suppose the ancient China thing works, except...that's a realllly long time ago haha.

Oh and it's afternoon where I am right now hahaha.

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simplyfeel In reply to Clevina [2012-02-26 01:05:56 +0000 UTC]

>.< Yeah, you're right. I know there aren't any grandmothers alive from Ancient China time. Hahahah. I knew it wasn't modern China yet I wasn't sure if it was Ancient China or some time period in between. So I just went with Ancient China.

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Clevina In reply to simplyfeel [2012-02-26 03:47:50 +0000 UTC]

Lol there was a long time period between ancient China and modern China. Technically the ancient China period ended by 221 BC. After that it was the imperial era (221 BC - AD 1911). Anything after that is already considered modern China, which includes the Republic of China and then the People's Republic of China.

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Tom-MarvoloRiddle [2012-02-24 11:04:27 +0000 UTC]

Sad but beautiful.

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Clevina In reply to Tom-MarvoloRiddle [2012-02-24 13:22:41 +0000 UTC]

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ozzla [2012-02-24 10:36:44 +0000 UTC]

I especially love the second stanza and within that, these lines: "The life before / Only grandma knows / But what happens / After she goes?" To me, it gives me the sense that even though we think we know the future, we really don't when our elders experienced in the workings of the world leave us behind to follow in their footsteps.

Imagery is stronger in the first stanza than the second stanza, which to me represents ideas more than allowing the audience to visual a scene. In the first stanza it is rich with culture, and I loved how there was just enough detail to describe the physical appearances of the people! Sensory wise, "Thick black braids" was the strongest, as I could imagine the coarseness of the hair, the depth of its colour, and how it was styled.

Funily enough, I only noticed the rhyme in the second stanza, and the rhythm of the piece seemed improved there too. I believe that the rhyme contributed to this sense of rhythm and improved its flow much for me, as in the first it seemed disconnected in the description of details seemingly unrelated. Maybe I don't truly understand this poem though

All in all, I really enjoyed the reflective nature of this piece!

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Clevina In reply to ozzla [2012-02-24 13:31:59 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for your detailed comment!

You have a really interesting interpretation! You sort of stated what I had wanted to do but wasn't exactly aware of, if you get what I mean.

I don't really know how to respond to such detailed positive response to my own work, so here are more hugs for you:

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ozzla In reply to Clevina [2012-02-25 07:33:48 +0000 UTC]

yw!

I always seem to come up with interesting interpretations And I totally get what you mean, as the same thing happens with my poems too. That's why it's good for people to comment, because then you realise an aspect of what you're trying to convey.

Aww, I'm glad that you found my critique helpful! I love that when there are no words left to say, hugs will always remain

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g-lewis [2012-02-24 01:55:21 +0000 UTC]

Kind of tragic. But satisfying. I like the silk, the jade, and the black braids. I think the word "paper" is fun to say. Very vivid in just a few words. I noticed and enjoyed the rhyme. It felt natural to me, not forced. Actually, I noticed it while I was reading the next line and thought "Oh, that was nice." Great piece.

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Clevina In reply to g-lewis [2012-02-24 13:22:22 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.
(and about the paper. Now that I think about it...it is pretty fun to say haha. )

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g-lewis In reply to Clevina [2012-02-24 20:15:32 +0000 UTC]

Aye, as is "penitent." But only if you say it like Sean Connery.

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Clevina In reply to g-lewis [2012-02-25 09:20:33 +0000 UTC]

Your entire comment was lost on me.

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Forta-Verity-Amity [2012-02-21 01:35:01 +0000 UTC]

I like the rhythm of it, even though it's a bit slow to pick up at the beginning.
Also, it's thrown off by the last two lines... Not sure what to suggest for it, though.

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Clevina In reply to Forta-Verity-Amity [2012-02-21 10:01:38 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the feedback and the fave!
Could you explain a little bit more about the last two lines though? I don't quite get what you mean by "thrown off".

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Forta-Verity-Amity In reply to Clevina [2012-02-21 14:03:40 +0000 UTC]

Well, it flows nicely from here: "Revolutions come/And when they go/They leave behind ashes/And pasts aglow./The life before/Only grandma knows"

But the rhythm formed in those lines is lost when we get to the last two:
"But what happens/After she goes?"

Actually, now that I analyze it further, the rhythm's only affected by the last line... I think it's the word 'After' that makes it rhythmically different, but I don't know why. :C


Sorry I can't be of more help.

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Clevina In reply to Forta-Verity-Amity [2012-02-21 15:19:27 +0000 UTC]

Hmm I see what you mean...yeah it sounds alright to me because I'm used to it and I read it a certain way that makes it fine. But thanks for pointing that out!

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Forta-Verity-Amity In reply to Clevina [2012-02-21 18:25:42 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome!

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0hgravity [2012-02-20 21:29:42 +0000 UTC]

I like the subtlety of the rhyming. In the first stanza you did an excellent job of capturing the big elements of the past in the words giving them a legendary, universal quality to them. The second stanza really brings it home with this idea that these objects have a familiarity to us all but without the story they are just objects.
Well done!

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Clevina In reply to 0hgravity [2012-02-21 10:02:30 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! (also for the fave)

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0hgravity In reply to Clevina [2012-02-21 15:59:02 +0000 UTC]

welcome!

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monstroooo [2012-02-20 12:36:13 +0000 UTC]

Congratulations! You've been featured in our Weekly Roundup !

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Clevina In reply to monstroooo [2012-02-20 14:42:18 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much!

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monstroooo In reply to Clevina [2012-02-20 16:35:59 +0000 UTC]

You're very welcome

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disrhythmic [2012-02-17 06:53:23 +0000 UTC]

I agree with ~sleyf . It's so powerful for something so small. Nicely done.

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Clevina In reply to disrhythmic [2012-02-17 09:48:08 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

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Sleyf [2012-02-16 11:09:21 +0000 UTC]

I love it, not only because of it's succinctness but with the images you manage to bring up in the first half, you didn't even need to add too much description to conjure them. It also has a great "message" (if i can say that without sounding cheesy) but it's true, those days and the knowledge about them are slowly vanishing with the older generations.

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Clevina In reply to Sleyf [2012-02-16 14:04:42 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! I'm glad you like it.
(And thanks also for the fave. )

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Sleyf In reply to Clevina [2012-02-18 10:16:19 +0000 UTC]

that's alright!

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