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enigma-theory — Desirous Avowal
Published: 2010-01-02 04:46:05 +0000 UTC; Views: 1538; Favourites: 28; Downloads: 15
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Description
Savouring the breath of each word whispered from your lips,I am left in desperate need to have the essence of your being beside me.
So tell me dearest to my heart,
Tell me that you love me..
Tell me my sweet serenity,
And tell me true,
That you need me as I do you.
For these confessions of the heart,
Stripping me of all sanity,
Weakening me with each blow,
Provide the strength in me,
To be all I want to be.
These silent suffocations,
That leave me gasping; beckoning,
Send a scorching blaze of heat through my body,
Burning the fire of my desire,
To be all you want me to be.
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Comments: 18
LOL no improvements suggested.
Very suggestive metaphors *grins slyly*
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thanks! uh oh sly grin, what will come of this?!
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Splendidly articulated piece albeit the tempo did stagger.
Never the less a delectable piece to savor for full appreciation. Bravo.
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u should take a look at some of my other pieces, im sure iv improved since this one, since its an old one of mine.. id love some feedback from u
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A pretty, emotive piece.
The puncutation seems a little muddled and throws off the flow slightly. The commas after every line where there isn't a full stop aren't all needed. Where your thoughts in seperate lines follow on from one another like a sentence, With the commas to break them up they read as choppy when for the feel of the piece it should be very smooth and flowing.
The only other thing I found is that the second line is a bit wordy. I like how you've set that small stanza apart from the others and it works quite well it is just a bit of a mouthful. There are a word or two in there that could easily be cut out to ease the reading.
Otherwise a nicely written poem
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thanks for the critique, i appreciate u taking the time to analyse my work.. i understand what u mean about the commas, i'll re- think the positioning as soon as i get a chance to.. but what words did u have in mind to remove from the second sentence? coz even though its long, i kind of deliberately had to have all the words present there.. just want to see what ur opinion on it is 
and thank u for the compliment i appreciate it
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Well I'd perhaps change it to something like...
'Leaves me desperately desiring the essence of your being beside me.'
Not massively shorter but slightly less wordy while essentially saying the same thing if you see what I mean
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i totally see what u mean, but for some reason the repetition of the word "me" makes it clash for some reason.. perhaps when i get some sleep (which would be a miracle 
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notice i repeated "for some reason" completely making myself look like a moron
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