MeanyKitty [2010-09-02 01:42:56 +0000 UTC]

beautiful...

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

babbunannu [2009-02-16 07:48:26 +0000 UTC]

Bunches ^.^
Awesomeness !!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Crimson-N-Cream [2007-07-18 22:11:30 +0000 UTC]

My jaw dropped. Remarkable. Love it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

ErialosaText [2007-06-27 20:16:59 +0000 UTC]

I love it, very visual. Intense. It's wonderful.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

FlareOfHell [2007-05-30 21:54:44 +0000 UTC]

woow i really really liked it i thnk it's somehow passionate and perfectly describes lust and desire...i find it deep and yet somehow violent...perfectly describes my vision of desire anyway...duno how to explain it!added it to my favs immediately and i just started using my account 2day

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

ClaudiaCasanova [2007-05-26 16:23:32 +0000 UTC]

wow, this was really beautifully written

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

ThornyEnglishRose [2007-01-20 21:56:07 +0000 UTC]

Ooh, sadistic. I like it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

monochrome-comfort [2006-12-21 13:58:34 +0000 UTC]

Utterly...wonderful.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Destiny032 [2006-10-19 05:45:49 +0000 UTC]

Oh my... It is simply fabulous.

^.^

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

kinkyfever [2006-10-17 08:55:50 +0000 UTC]

My god. I think you've reinspired my desire to work on my story Psycho Karosuel. THANK YOU!!!!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Jellygraph [2006-10-16 18:02:40 +0000 UTC]

Steal away the softness from my eyes.
I want your fingerprints on my thighs,
The rainbows you leave there
When I taste your blood on my lips.

Like this beginning. Interesting about the rainbows, but it's not physically conceivable (at least, i can't think of how fingerprints make rainbows), so the symbolism falls a little flat.

Cruel savior-
Make me beg.
I would cut this. Just seems a little...dramatic.

Starve me-
Feed me the emptiness I crave,
Please- kiss me with your teeth.
Fill my head with your throat-sounds,
Primal
To chase away the void.

I would keep: Kiss me with your teeth (though you can reword this, because it comes off a little strange as-is), fill my head with your primal / throat-sounds to chase away the void. I don't think the "primal" on its own line accomplishes anything. If you enjamb in such a way that a word gets its own line and everything around it is lengthy, it draws way too much attention. You can accomplish what you want by just placing the word at the end of the line--that's an emphasis in itself.

I cannot stand your gentle hands.
Unstained,
They stroke so tenderly,
And though I ache for you
To score with pointed fingertips
The smooth skin of my hips,
You do not.
I don't like this section. Not sure why--it could just be the near-cliches of "gentle hands", "stroking tenderly", "smooth skin". I like the idea of "scoring with pointed fingertips." That's the only thing that really does it for me in this section, though. Too many adjectives/adverbs that don't create images, I think.

Bruise away my bitter deeds
Like I long of you.
Tarnish me
Sweet prince,
Rid me of damned innocence,
Flay me with my longing
So hollow-
My raspy yes is barbed within my throat.

Loooove the "raspy yes" line. Don't love the others. I would try, however, "A raspy yes barbs / within my throat." More active, less passive.


Red welts on ivory skin,
Black oceans of bliss
Your name, carved deep enough to scar.
These things I want-
For you to make me nothing,
Free me from myself,
Blind me so that I may see you,
Choke me so that I may breathe.

I don't like these because they are mostly abstractions--"black oceans of bliss", "nothing", "myself". Nothing much that's tangible, like you did with the barbs. At least that's something imagistic, that we can clearly conceptualize--the feeling of something catching in your throat, like barbs. It's visceral. But "black oceans of bliss", etc, don't give us any real feeling or idea. Bliss is an abstraction, and because you're not showing it, it's a very vague thing you offer.

U n s a v e m e.
I realize this is your title, so you probably like it, but I'm going to say I don't. Again, a bit abstract, vague. Too wide a concept to end it, I feel.

The parts I liked most from this poem were the ones grounded in physical things--the body parts, the physical feelings, and even though you're expressing something emotional, it doesn't have to be a concept that hangs sort of unconnected to anything else--you can connect metaphors and ideas and symbolism to *grounded* things, so that the reader can actually visualize and attach to something. It's the case of "show, don't tell." Telling is saying "bliss", "savior", "emptiness", "void." But tell us what this means to you. Conceptualize it in a way that makes the concept new.

Don't know if you were looking for advanced critique, but that's what I tend to give. I think this poem has some very good moments, and if you cut down the abstractions, the parts that are vague, and add more of the nice descriptions (like the raspy yes line), this can be great. It's an interesting concept.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

TwelveStep [2006-10-12 05:49:07 +0000 UTC]

Amazing flow, vivid imagery. Fantastic job.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

showmetheway [2006-10-06 20:15:44 +0000 UTC]

absolutly georges. i love this to death.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Iscariot-Priest [2006-10-04 17:21:06 +0000 UTC]

Nice. Congrats on making the popular list!

You're the only other poet I've ever seen on the popular list other than TangleWeb. Sorry for the late responce.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

annienafees [2006-09-29 00:21:39 +0000 UTC]

that pretty much says it all...

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

ChinchillaDragoon [2006-09-28 02:08:47 +0000 UTC]

I particularly enjoy this piece. I found the flow smooth and the context unique. The notion that a woman would secretly wish to be fulfilled completely through dark intentions is something hardly ubiquitous in today's society. Most individuals are under the impression that women are weak and can only handle the tender lovers; thus, to have the antithesis so beautifully written out is quite a nice change in pace.

In short, I really like this piece because it's something different yet well written. Great job! :3

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

JadedFlame [2006-09-26 02:52:46 +0000 UTC]

i mean wow! my writing looks like absolute crap compared to this.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

JadedFlame [2006-09-26 02:43:01 +0000 UTC]

absolutely amazing and bloody brilliant. i think the flow makes the piece extraordinary in every way.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

musashi2476 [2006-09-26 02:07:22 +0000 UTC]

I am humbled by the presence of a true poet. This is an extraordinarily sensual piece. Major props on this one!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

saradotcom [2006-09-25 20:53:50 +0000 UTC]

This is fabulous. I love the flow of it.
Verey nice.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

LadyKagura [2006-09-25 20:50:15 +0000 UTC]

Damn. That was rather erotic. Emotive. Lots of good e words. Way to go. <3

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

rasiqra [2006-09-25 20:45:46 +0000 UTC]

just incredible. a definite !

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

excele01 [2006-09-25 20:45:20 +0000 UTC]

That's uh, very erotic imagery there, especially the first stanza. and i like vampires too..

This is the first piece of writing that I've faved btw, probably the only one for a very long while.

awesome job.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

DragiceRyudo [2006-09-25 20:40:00 +0000 UTC]

I agree with your original assessment. The flow is lacking a bit. It is good, standing alone, in the third portion of the piece. The last two flow together nicely, and the third would only need another more definate line that flowed with 'You do not', and it would fit with the rest. To be quite honest I actually almost couldn't get past the first two, because I really couldn't find any flow at all. Aside once I got past that, It has wonderful imagery, as well as a nice amount of budding emotion leading to the end where it blooms. It was a nice piece.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

XTheScientistX [2006-09-25 20:28:03 +0000 UTC]

This is so powerful and wow!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

LoveShotEyes [2006-09-25 20:16:07 +0000 UTC]

I really liked that it was powerful and poetic in equal measures.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

mercurius11 [2006-09-25 19:52:15 +0000 UTC]

Fantastic writing, so emotive and strong.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

VictorCarbon [2006-09-25 19:42:16 +0000 UTC]

There's a lot in here that could probably use some work.

I usually stay in hiding but this caught my eye so I had to comment.

The flow is pretty damn good, showing you've got a grasp on how to make words move smoothly across paper.

But lots of the imagery in here is tired and worn. The cutting, the bleeding the everything that has to do with this ongoing theme of love-hate reationships embodied by self-mutilation are over-used, especially here.

I'm not saying it's bad to over-use things, just gets tiring to read sometimes.

Another positive here is that, at first glance I didn't catch my previous critique until a few seconds of reading it. Plus the flow of the poem kept me reading until the end.

You also have some interesting ways of saying worn things, which also gives you points in my book.

Anyhoo, just thought I'd drop by and let you know what I think.

If you're anything like me, one decent critique with positives and negatives is far better than 2873462834682 messages saying "it's beautiful I loved it and you and the world!"

Have a good one.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1